A Summer of Driving

The day we drove Lauren to enter a program for eating disorders at Walden Behavioral Health felt dark and heavy. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I was profoundly heavy in heart by what I knew my daughter would have to face. Sadly, this was a day that began a journey through the unknown that got progressively darker with each new turn and insight of what was going on. It is what I call “A Summer of Driving”. For each day was marked by hours of driving back and forth to MA, treatments, visits and day trips for Lala.

The second day at the program Lauren had a huge melt down as a group of clients and their families were walking from one building to the next for family session. Referring back to that day, a close friend of Laurens who gave her the nickname “Pineapple” said “As I watched what happened, I thought, nope this one isn’t going to make it.” She did in fact make it, completing the program by reaching all weight and eating goals ahead of schedule. It helped her, and us, a lot. At the same time LaLa built several relationships with very special people that encouraged and helped her quite a bit over the next twelve plus months. For me, it was a day that I realized my baby girl was fighting something that was way beyond her and I was not going to be able to “fix” this. As I watched her with a crushing sense of complete powerlessness I whispered “God, please help us.”

Almost two years later I learned one of the reasons why Lauren had that melt down that day. Lauren battled with anxiety in many ways and forms. In fact, it was because of her anxiety being completely out of control that she told us she felt she should enter a program for eating disorders. Later we learned that for Lauren this may have been a choice of the lesser of two evils as she may have done this to hide her heroin addiction from us. I can’t imagine the struggle of soul she must have had. “How do I, a Pastors daughter, tell my parents I am addicted to heroin.”

One of the hardest  areas of her anxiety was a deep-seated fear that her mom or I would die. I am not sure where this came from, although, Lauren did lose her grandfather – she was very close to him – at a young age. When he passed she asked Nereida if she could sleep with one of his t-shirts, it was a Yankees shirt, sorry. What this meant in Laurens present was that when she went to any residential (live in treatment) programs  her anxiety went through the roof. Regretfully, we never knew that until we received her medical records after she passed (no easy task by the way).

That one piece of information would have changed so much for us. With that piece of information we could have gotten Lauren care in a way, and place that would have  more effectively addressed all the issues relating to her mental health and addiction. One important thing to remember about the treatment of your loved one is that all forms of treatment: 12 Step, Residential, IOP, Counselor, Psychologist, Pastoral work, but they don’t work for everybody.

If I could speak to every individual impacted by addiction, I would SCREAM, “Don’t keep the things that will either help you or hurt you from those that really love you” … TRUST US!

Lauren once wrote this in a post on FB: “Many people with an addiction , including myself, have said at least once (for myself, I said this hundreds of times) “I don’t want to do this anymore” and may very well be tired of and disgusted of doing the drug but physically and mentally cannot stop. Repeating this cycle of saying “I’m going to stop using” and the very next day or even hours later doing that drug.” When that happens, when you are desperately wishing you could stop, please, tells us what hurts, tell us what hinders your recovery, tell us how we could help more. We are the ones that really care, We are the ones that really love you … LET US HELP … TRUST US!

At many of the programs we were told that there would be “family” sessions. Times when we would learn and understand about how we could be an asset in our loved ones recovery. Of course, there were times during her treatment when “LaLa” got mad at us and removed permission for us to know about her medical issues, but that was rare and short lived. Most times we had the ability to “know” what was happening to our little girl. At many programs these family sessions are large informational gatherings where all families of residents would learn details and facts about recovery, addiction, and how it affects our loved one. They are helpful, but not enough. To every program coordinator I would say “TELL US SPECIFICALLY WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW TO HELP OUR LOVED ONE.” We don’t know the right questions to ask, we are confused and fearful of doing something wrong. “Be honest with us and tell us when you can’t help.” Lauren was evaluated for each treatment program she attended. Many times, her weight was a concern, LaLa was very petite from the day she was born. In this evaluation phase no one ever said “We don’t feel we are a good fit for your daughter. “We would recommend taking this approach or working with this group.” For our family this usually ended in heartbreak and disappointment, and I believe, for LaLa discouragement.

To families standing with their loved one to overcome an addiction or mental health disorder I would say:

• Consider having an independent assessment (learn more here) of your loved one’s addiction and care done with a Recovery Coach, qualified Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Drug and Alcohol counselor or your Doctor if they feel qualified to do so.
• Listen carefully to what your loved one is really saying about what is working and effective. Not an easy task, I know, since our loved ones can sometimes be resistant to treatment.

Lastly, “Never, Never, Never quit”. Please keep letting them “see” YOU LOVE THEM!

A word about this months photos

One of the things we want to do is bring the beauty of art into the sometimes-ugly world of addiction and mental health. This month I am using images from Belgian Photographer Leonard Misonne. He is one of my favorites from a group of photographers called the Pictorialists. These were men and women who where determined to show the world that photography was a true art form. He often used processes of his day like oil, Fresson, and gum-bichromate to achieve the mystical beauty of his art. He was commonly referred to as the photographer of Light and Atmosphere.