Junkies are people too

Very few things could break a parents heart more than seeing your child in pain while others look on with indifference.

One of the things that bothered Lauren the most was when people would discover she was addicted to heroin and instantly make assumptions about her. As her dad it was particularly painful when ER staff would figure out that the pain she was experiencing was due to an opioid withdrawal (a heart breaking and very painful experience when unassisted medically) and everything would change. I am sure there must be certain protocol that is followed when treating someone that is a known or suspected drug user in an ER. What I am talking about was different, it was more like a complete ebbing away of compassion. It hurt, but for Lauren that hurt went much deeper than just the excruciating physical pain. It fueled the extreme sense of guilt, shame and worthlessness that addiction engenders.

Lauren once asked me to watch a video called “Everything you know about addiction is wrong.” She explained that this guy (Johan Hari) had a different perspective on addiction that recognized addicts as people, centered around respect, love and connection. I must admit, I was a bit bothered by the title, certainly I knew about addiction. As I watched I did so with a very weary and suspicious eye. Watch the 15 minute video for yourself here TEDtalk, particularly with the thoughts I just mentioned in mind.

After watching the video I was intrigued and read the book he wrote. I knew Lauren had read it, which honestly got my attention and I wanted to understand what was so interesting to her in this book. The book is called “Chasing the Scream”, I particularly love the subtitle: “The opposite of addiction is connection”. That one statement can shift your understanding of how you can best help your loved ones. A huge part of addiction has to do with disconnection. Disconnection from our identity, we no longer know who or what we are. Disconnection from the natural mechanisms in our brain that enable us to experience joy in life. And disconnection from the meaningful “connections” that are our anchors.

“We shouldn’t underestimate how desperate a chronically lonely person is to escape the prison of solitude.” Gabor Mate

I must caution you that this book is graphic about where drugs can take people. You may not agree with all that is said. In some places you may ask as I did: “Dear God, is it possible that this has really happened in our country, in this day?” What I do know is that it will broaden your understanding of addiction and make you ask: “Is there a better way to help people stuck in addiction”. Is there a better way for me to help my child, or my wife, or a deeply loved friend?

One of the last conversations I had with Lauren was about this book. I was driving her to meet her friends for dinner. Nereida and I were apprehensive, but we felt she had to start making the right choices in her life and we had to let her know that we wanted to trust her. I thanked her for asking me to read the book. I told her that there where a few things I was still weighing in my heart but wanted her to know it did expand my understanding of addiction, and challenged many of the things I believed, it helped me. In that conversation, I also encouraged her about how well she was doing and how that a year or so down the road all of this would be behind her and she would be back on track. In a handful of weeks she was planning to start classes for radiology at an excellent cooperative program offered by St Vincent’s College and Housatonic. She was excited and quite thrilled that it was going to save us a lot of money for her college. Lauren was always very frugal. I didn’t feel bad about that either. I also felt it was a good transition for her toward a career that didn’t antagonize her anxiety or addiction.

From Lauren and this book I learned:

• People battling addiction are deeply hurting and trapped.

Yes I know they made a really bad choice. I have made more than one in my life, some of which could have had devastating impact in my life if things had gone ever so slightly different. Lauren said this to one of her friends less than a month before she died.

“i’ve been addicted to heroin since i was 18 and it truly is something that takes over your entire life. bc doing pills i still had motivation to stay in school and do things i loved but heroin ? i stopped caring about pretty much anything except getting high.” LaLa

• When somebody we love is fighting addiction, they already feel worthless, most if not all their actions SCREAM it to them every day.

Nereida and I often told Lauren “What hurts us the most is that you lie to us.” She tried so hard not to lie. My eyes where opened one day when she told me: “Dad, I don’t lie to you because I want to hurt you, I lie to you because I am sick and tired of hurting my family.” They have plenty of guilt, what they need to know from us is that we will love them no matter what. Imagine what life feels like when all the love you feel is based on performance?

• Many of the things we are doing personally and publicly are not helping people with addiction.

Einstein said: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.” We did this a lot, we did not know there where other options. Thankfully, we are seeing subtle changes in the approaches to mental health and addiction in all sectors including the prison system, and treatment. Look for “evidence-based treatments”. You must be cautious here because “evidence based” is a buzz word used by many programs today ( A future post will present several evidence based treatments). Here is a link to a site that describes a variety of treatments, most of which are evidence based .

Something very strong and powerful has a vise grip on your loved one. It is important to be sure that all you are saying, and doing is moving them toward the things that must happen for recovery – victory – to take place. In a book called “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts” it says this:

“The addicts childish behaviors and immature emotional patterns virtually invite people around them to take on the role of stern parent. It’s not a genuine invitation, and anyone who accepts it, no matter how well intentioned, will soon find themselves “resisted”. No relationship can survive in a healthy form when either partner puts himself or herself in a position of being opposed and resented.”

While no one should condone or encourage a loved ones addiction. You can focus on being the one to work hard at staying in relationship with them. Not always easy because it can make some decisions very complicated. Well worth it though because the chances are without your relationship your loved one may lose the only positive influence they have in their lives.