What is wrong with her?

Fear is a very powerful thing. At its best it triggers our God designed safety and survival instincts. The fight or flight reaction. I experienced this the other night while walking our dog, “Lola”. She was acting a little weird, and then out of nowhere a large dear came busting out of the woods toward us. Within the split second needed to process what was happening I could feel a huge change in my body and adrenaline as I shifted into hyper-aware mode. It didn’t help that recently there have been reports of bear in our neighborhood.

At its worst fear is an impenetrable veil of obscurity that stops us cold. It robs us of all that is best and most beneficial, and sadly, can block us from getting the help we really need.

About four months before we discovered that Lauren was addicted to heroin we faced a situation that made me ask “What is the matter with her?” 

In the year that I knew of Laurens addiction I had the heart wrenching misfortune of watching her go through unassisted opioid withdrawal three times. It is not pretty, it is physically and psychologically excruciating. The first time this happened we did not even know it was opioid withdrawal.

The belief that Lauren was experiencing the effects of long periods of restricting her eating and anxiety was informing our decisions. The little I understood about anorexia was that restricting food causes profound changes in our brain. Have you ever experienced how cloudy your thinking gets when you’re really hungry, that’s just a small sampling of the long-term effect? Then over time, the organs of the body begin to shut down and the risk of a heart attack goes dramatically up. Of course, I was fearful.

Until this time we had been working with Lauren to get her diet on track. Lauren has always been very petite; her entire life was spent at the sub tenth percentile of the growth scales. As a baby she also suffered from re-flux. She never out grew it as most children do. I remember the time I wept with my wife and Lauren at one of her Doctors offices. It was the first time Laurens weigh in was over 100 pounds. The tears were tears of joy. I expressed to “LaLa” how proud I was of her and how I appreciated her hard work. It was very hard for her. Just imagine the strength it takes to keep doing what your body and mind are telling you is disdainful. We were working with a Doctor out of New Haven, Kaity R. Hutchinson, Psy.D.. She is trained in a treatment approach called the Maudsley Treatment – click the link to learn more about the approach and her. It has proven to be very effective especially for younger people struggling with eating disorders. Lauren was just outside the recommended age, but she agreed to try, and it worked. Its success is based on heavy involvement and accountability with the family in the well-being of the individual. Ironically, it was originally created as a treatment for people suffering from addiction. Later, Lauren shared with me that she may not have been over 100 lbs as she would load up on water and use other tricks anorexics often use at weigh in. She was very sorry about that. I let her know I was proud of her for being honest and because I knew she was trying hard.  I still believe she was over 100 lbs as her way in that day was 111 lbs.

In those early days, one of the things that truly frustrated us was when we would repeatedly take Lauren for a battery of tests to be sure she was physically well. Each time, her results would be fine. Her response  would be, “See, I told you I am fine, there is nothing wrong with me. You guys are crazy!” It didn’t help matters for us, but the truth is there was something wrong.

One weekend Lauren had extreme pain in her lower back and abdomen. Over the next few weeks this experience brought us from ER to ER at several hospitals and included a barrage of visits to several specialists. All to no avail. It left us dismayed and afraid. “What was wrong with her?” “Why couldn’t anyone help us?” “What was happening to my daughter?” We did not know – Doctors did not know, or at least the ones that did know could not tell us (this is a result of the HIPAA laws, they are necessary but can make things hard).

When I ask the question, what was wrong with her now, I realize the answer is complicated. There was a lot of pain in her life. There often is in addiction. The anxiety and anorexia magnified that pain. She was weighed down with guilt and shame like most drug addicts are. And I think she was afraid?

• Afraid of telling her mom, her brother and me that she was addicted to heroin. It was so far off the radar of who we were as a family. It was off the radar of who Lauren was.
• Afraid of attempting to live, even one day, without heroin. I know how that feels. I still remember returning home to Connecticut after going to Florida for a few weeks to get away from the temptations in my immediate environment. I had just surrendered my life to trying to follow and live for Christ. I was hoping to figure out how I was going to overcome a long term addiction. That day I was overwhelmed with fear that I couldn’t make it without “coke”. Lauren often asked me “Why can’t God just take my addiction away like He did for you dad?” We spent a good amount of time praying and talking about that. God did do amazing things in the last year of Lauren’s life in the middle of all the chaos that surrounded our lives.
• Afraid of letting go of what she had known for 5 years. So often what we know, while painful, is better than the uncertainty ahead of us. One of the defining principles of an addiction is that the behavior results in negative consequences in the long term yet the individual doesn’t give up the behavior despite those negative consequences. To the unaddicted mind this is absolute absurdity, to the addicted mind it makes complete sense.

Fear is a very powerful thing. In our case it may have been a very significant factor in losing our daughter. Our desperate desire is that we can help others avoid that pain.

Don’t be afraid!

If you love someone with an addiction or eating disorder it’s easy to “rest” in the knowledge of experts. I doubted my own instincts when the system kept telling me my daughter was fine. It made me question: “Were we wrong?” My daughter was tested several times regarding her physical well-being and nothing could be found. It was just too soon for the evidence of anorexia to show up in her body and blood work. After learning of Laurens addiction I struggled with whether I was enabling Lauren by some of the choices I made. The fear of that was debilitating. That’s what “We Chose Love” is about. Everyone that loves someone with an addiction disorder must make the choices that work for them. I have heard and thought “They need to hit rock bottom.” My daughter was non-responsive five times in the last year of her life and thankfully revived. The sixth time we were too late. How far down is rock bottom? Here are two articles about how things in recovery treatment are improving. I wish these things were happening while my sweet girl was alive. It might have changed the outcome of the experience I mention above. ER treats Opioid Addiction On Demand and Some trade tough love for empathy . We must show our loved ones that although we may not be pleased with their actions, and yes there are consequences of our actions, we are not abandoning them, no matter what. Isn’t that what God does for us?

If you are struggling with addiction, or a mental health issue. 

PLEASE: Don’t be afraid!

I am in no way minimizing or discounting your fear, it is real, and it is powerful, but it is not insurmountable.

The strength it takes to face and overcome your fear is substantial, but it may be less than what lies ahead for you and those that love you if you don’t speak up. The people that really love you want to help, let them.  Don’t keep it a secret, the cost of your silence may be more than you and those that love you are willing to pay.

Ben Afflick said this in March 2017, after completing his third residential treatment.

“I want to live life to the fullest and be the best father I can be. I want my kids to know there is no shame in getting help when you need it, and to be a source of strength for anyone out there who needs help but is afraid to take the first step.”

PLEASE: don’t stop trying!

In the months leading up to Lauren going to treatment for anorexia in Massachusetts  I came across a documentary called “Thin”. It is about eating disorders and their treatment. It was eye opening, and heart breaking as a Dad of a beautiful girl fighting anorexia. It is very graphic and truthful regarding anorexia and other eating disorders. It is not easy to watch but if you have a loved one facing an eating disorder I strongly recommend you watch it. It’s an hour and a half long.

Thanks for listening to our story!