She’s All Better Now

I remember with startling clarity the feeling of relief that would slowly flow over me when Lauren went to a residential treatment program. It provided an array of feelings and thoughts.

The momentary restbite from the constant chaos, turmoil and relentless demand of loving someone with a SUD or Mental Health issue was welcomed but I often felt guilty about feeling that. When a loved one suffers from a mental health or addiction disorder it consumes every part of every one that loves them, but still we should love them. They desperately need that, but the concerned loved one MUST take care of themselves too.

It was a huge comfort knowing Lauren was safe. I knew for the moment, nothing was going to happen to her, at least physically. We had not known that LaLa had a great fear that her mom or I would die when she was away from us. You can read more about that in “A Summer of Driving” and how being away from us radically increased Laurens anxiety. There was great assurance in knowing she was okay. In the last twelve months of her life Lauren overdosed six times. Of course we feared that Lauren could die, not just from an overdose but from her severely limited calorie intake, unexpected heart failure is common for anorexics. In some way though that thought drifts into the recesses of your mind, no one wants to think of that, why would you?

The biggest mistake I would make when Lauren went to residential treatment was to lull myself into thinking it was all over, she would come out all fixed, our lives would get back to “normal”. This was our normal.

This always set me up for heartbreak, and I am sure as an aside put a lot of pressure on Lauren. Twenty eight days is a great start, but it is not going to solve the problem. In a residential program 28 days, 60 days, 90 days or longer, your loved one will be given much of the information and tools they need to overcome their addiction. That’s all, whether that happens or not is determined by how much of what they experience gets applied in their day to day routine and ability to exercise new coping skills until they become ingrained. You can help with that.

Overcoming an addiction or learning to thrive with a Mental Health issue is a long-term process. I remember how proud I was of Lauren one night when she returned from an IOP session. She was excited about what she had learned, and how that would affect her over the next several years. nAlthough she understood it would take two to three years for her brain to “catch up”, I saw hope in her words that night.

She shared with me that because she started drug use early, mid to late teens, in some areas it limited the development and maturity of her brain. I often saw that in LaLa. She would bounce between what I referred to as “Little Girl” Lauren to someone who could be extremely confrontational and what we thought at the time was just disrespect. In many ways she was very naïve about life and people. In these “little girl” moments she usually wanted us to hold her. Perhaps to protect here from the pain that she tried so hard to face alone. This was surprising to me considering the dark world of heroin addiction she regularly operated in. Looking back, I realize that much of what we viewed as disrespect and rudeness was inappropriate ways Lauren responded to overwhelming anxiety.  One thing we practiced as we began to see how much Laurens anxiety impacted her actions was to allow her to take a break from whatever we were dealing with, so she could process. All we asked was that she would respectfully let us know she needed some time. She could take as much time as necessary, as long as we reconnected and talk about whatever the issue at hand was. This practice helped Lauren a lot, and it gave us a deeper level of understanding of who our precious girl was.

The other day at lunch with someone, I mentioned that seeing younger girls with their mom or dad really reminds me of Lauren. They wondered if that was because of so much of the upheaval that took place in the last years of her life. I am not sure, all I know I miss my daughter.

In his book, “Terry” George McGovern said this “Alcoholics and Drug addicts are hard the live with, but they are much harder to live without. It’s true!

Often people ask “can you help someone that does not want help?” Actually, two separate studies of the Community Reinforcement and Family Training model says you can!

CRAFT was designed to help families/individuals to encourage loved ones with a SUD toward treatment. In each of these studies CRAFT was over 70% effective in getting family members battling addiction to enter treatment after being implemented by family members over a 12 month period. To learn more about C.R.A.F.T. read “My Loved One is Addicted … NOW WHAT?”

OASIS, an opiod awareness committee I am on in Oxford, CT  is hosting a workshop that will teach you the basics of the CRAFT approach and give you the chance ti practice.

The workshop is spread over 3 days (total of 10 hours). Saturday October 13th 9AM to 2PM – Monday October 22nd 6PM to 8:30PM – Monday November 5th 6PM to 8:30PM in Oxford CT.

The workshop is open to both Oxford and Non Oxford residents.

For more information OR to register PLEASE, DON’T WAIT email vinny@wechoselove.com or call 203-278-1583 ask for Vinny