I’m sorry honey

I am sorry honey, there is nothing I can do.

This week’s image is from one of my favorite pictorialist photographers. His name is Henry Peach Robinson and he was a strong proponent of composite photography, long before there was Photoshop. In his imagery he attempted to realize moments of timeless significance The image above is actually a composite of seventeen images. It was created in 1858.

I first encountered “Fading Away”, the name of the image, when we did not know Lauren was battling an addiction as well as Mental Health issues. During all the confusion and turmoil that surrounded our lives this image spoke to me.

As I looked at it I saw in the father what I myself was feeling. My daughter was indeed fading away, and I did not know how to help her. In the angle of his head, the position of his hand, looking away as if to hope for some answer out somewhere on the horizon I could feel this dads sense of powerlessness.

I remember an occasion when Lauren first entered treatment at Walden. It was within the first several days. She was struggling, and afraid. She asked me if I could work out getting her in one of the treatment centers for anorexia here in Connecticut. There are several in our state, this one was called The Center for Discovery. She begged me to get her somewhere close. Now, I understand, that this was because of her fear of her mom or I dying while she was away from us. You can read more about that in the “Summer of Driving”. I did everything I could, called every contact I had, talk to every center in our area, but Laurens BMI was too low, It was between 12 and 13, and none of the residential level treatment centers would consider her with a BMI of less than 18. At Laurens level she needed to be in Partial Hospitalization. Talking to her on the phone while driving home, I felt a level of emptiness that has only been surpassed by her loss. I knew in my heart staying at Walden was the right thing for her, but telling her there was nothing I could do was crushing to me. I pulled over and we cried together on the phone, and she promised to do her best. I hung up the phone feeling powerless.

Recently I had the chance to work with a family through as a Recovery Coach, you can learn more about what a Recovery Coach does in “My Loved One is Addicted, NOW WHAT”? Their loved one is showing signs of extensive drug use and it is likely heroin. The loved one does not acknowledge any problem or even use. They are legal age and on their own. The involvement of the people I was meeting with was somewhat limited. They wanted me to give them an immediate solution that just did not exist. When someone we love is battling an addiction it is often a very long process to recovery even when they are willing to get treatment. That reality is magnified all the more when they are not motivated to get help. The only times I have seen immediate change is when God supernaturally steps in, as He did for me. Or when, for reasons we simply don’t understand, an addict has epiphany moment and just stops. In the past, the later was not completely unheard of, but tends to happen around the late 30’s to mid 40’s. Today with the wide spread use of fentanyl and car fentanyl it is far too dangerous to take this kind of chance over the ten or more years it can take before it happens.

This family’s plan was first, express to their loved one that they could see that something was hurting, and they wanted to help in any way they could.

Second, to be very intentional to on a regular basis to connect with their loved for no other purpose than to spend time with them. No mention of drugs, problems, none of that. Just be with the person they love.

Often people struggling with mental health or addiction will isolate themselves. It is very important that they make repeated connections with family and friends to “relearn” the joy and satisfaction that can come from life lived well and in community with others.

Lauren shared with a gal she connected with who worked in the last detox LaLa went to. She really connected with this person and told her that the previous Christmas was the first time in many years that she celebrated the Holiday without being high. As she spoke to the girl I could see joy in her face and a sparkle in her eye over how good that felt. I recently looked at images of her from that Christmas you can see what I am talking about in her face. She would be very upset with me letting you see her hair like that. That’s what the brain radically altered by monstrous rushes of dopamine needs to experience over and over and over in order to relearn that life “IS” fulfilling by itself.

A plan assures that you do not feel powerless but instead feel in a measure of control at least in what you are doing. A plan also assures you that you are taking action.

One of the best tools for families to influence a loved one that is not yet ready to enter treatment is CRAFT.

CRAFT was designed to help families/individuals to encourage loved ones with a SUD toward treatment. In each of these studies CRAFT was over 70% effective in getting family members battling addiction to enter treatment after being implemented by family members over a 12 month period. To learn more about C.R.A.F.T. read “My Loved One is Addicted … NOW WHAT?”

OASIS, an opiod awareness committee I am on in Oxford, CT  is hosting a workshop that will teach you the basics of the CRAFT approach and give you the chance ti practice.

The workshop is spread over 3 days (total of 10 hours). Saturday October 13th 9AM to 2PM – Monday October 22nd 6PM to 8:30PM – Monday November 5th 6PM to 8:30PM in Oxford CT.

The workshop is open to both Oxford and Non Oxford residents.

For more information OR to register PLEASE, DON’T WAIT email vinny@wechoselove.com or call 203-278-1583 ask for Vinny