These people are trying to help us
October 26, 2018
This past week I had the opportunity to speak at a very special event. It was the Arnold Markle Symposium at the Henry Lee Institute of Forensic Science at the University of New Haven in CT. It was a gathering with all of the many branches of law enforcement represented. The theme this year was the investigation of drug related deaths. I was truly honored to speak at such an important and distinguished event. It was extremely eye opening and informative. I was especially impressed with the level of importance the symposium placed on the families of many of the victims of overdose.
In Laurens last year with us she was unfortunately arrested twice. The first time is a day I still remember very clearly. It was Saturday, we were winding down from an average day, the sun was setting. We were all anticipating Lauren being home from work soon. She was running late which was not unusual because she always loved to do extra things like close the store with the goal of becoming a “key holder” or manager. Around 6:30 or so Evan walked into our kitchen with a very stark look on his face, he looked confused and afraid. Lauren had been arrested for a DUI and wanted him to pick her up. At first anger welled up in me, then the same thing I saw in my son, fear. What on earth was going on. This was so far off our radar. We were tea-totalers. We had warned our children about the dangers of a family history of addiction. I have been free from a cocaine addiction for over thirty years, I told my kids it was in us, so they had to be cautious. And now I am driving to pick my daughter up from the police station. What is going on?
Upon arrival I did not know what to do or say. Lauren was released from her cell and met us in the lobby. I was stoic, frozen I suppose, Lauren was very emotional. To this day I still regret my reaction in that foyer. I don’t know what the right one was, but I feel it wasn’t that. In the car I muttered that I could not speak yet because I felt what I might say would be defensive and wouldn’t help matters. We rode home in silence.
At this point we were still not aware of LaLa’s addiction. I felt that this was yet another symptom of Laurens anorexia. Not because of the DUI, although it is common that people fighting anorexia do abuse alcohol and drugs. My feeling was driven more by her reaction to getting the DUI. Laurens anxiety went ballistic. She could hardly function. I read a quote the other day about anxiety.
“Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it’s the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear.”
We talked about the fact that this could be a result of her anorexia. The screams of her anxiety were so loud she asked me to decide what treatment she should go to. We chose for her to go into treatment at Walden Behavioral Health in Waltham, Mass. It was the right choice based on what we knew then. Lauren made great strides regarding her eating habits and connected with some very special people who became an important part of her life. I believe they encouraged her, helped her and brought her happiness in the last year of her life.
In aviation when a plane “stalls” it means the wings lose the lift that keeps the plane in the air. The result is a severe (depending on the plane) nose forward and to the left or right drop. If we let the plane gain some airspeed, level the wings and slowly pull up everything will be fine. If not handled correctly the plane will enter into a spin, far more difficult to get out of. In fact, some planes once into a spin can not pull out.
This DUI was the stall that led us into a completely uncontrollable spin.
The second arrest was a possession charge. It happened eight or nine months later on a day I was in surgery. Nereida felt she wanted to give me a few days to recover before she had to share the heart-breaking news. I think it was the right thing to do.
When she finally did tell me … I felt hope drain from my body.
I was deeply afraid for where my daughter was heading. I am not sure why but more than anything else I feared that she would end up in prison, and now the possibility of that was becoming very real as the weeks spiraled out of control.
For us as a family it was heart breaking, I could see the emotional trauma all this was causing in Lauren, and at the same time I was dismayed. She was living out many things that were the opposite of who we were, and what we dreamed for her.
One of the things I mentioned at the symposium, was that through the entire process of these cases, and Laurens first overdose, all the people we dealt with were compassionate, sensitive, and caring.
After her first over dose, when I went to get the police report, several of the Police officers that responded to the scene expressed to me that they wanted me to let “LaLa” know that she was a very fortunate girl and they wanted her to get better.
When the Bond Clerk sat with us to finalize the paper work for the possession charge and help Lauren choose the treatments to fulfill the requirements of her case. The women, Martha, asked if she could speak directly with Lauren, then with great empathy and compassion told Lauren she had so much of life ahead of her. She reminded her that she could do this and overcome her addiction. She also told Lauren that many of the people she meets have no one to help them but it was obvious “LaLa” had the love and support of her family. Nereida and I watched in awe, eyes filled with tears.
In dealing with the courts and others we found that they cared about us and our daughter. It was very encouraging, and truthfully something our family never expected.
If your loved one has been arrested I know it is frightening, but please keep these things in mind.
- These people are trying to help you and your loved one. They realize that if things keep going this way, sadly, it might come to this person ending up in prison, but that isn’t going to be an effective long-term solution.
- It is usually best to have an attorney if you can afford one. They understand the many details and nuances of these cases.
- Encourage your loved one, but don’t try to hinder the normal consequences of their actions.
This weeks featured image is by a very creative artist named Hipsto Toresk, you can find his work on Pinterest
So touching, so deep & so real. I was able to relate to so much due to my situation. Opened my eyes for red flags for others. Thanks for sharing. Appreciate your out-pouring. Love to all.