I won’t let go

As Our family is heading into the Holiday season I have been a little caught off guard by my expectation. For us, Christmas was always a time of great fun and plenty of celebration. As a child growing up my dad would always take the time between Christmas and New Year’s off. It was one of the few times throughout the year we would get to enjoy having him home during the day, and many evenings since he worked in sales. As our children grew Nereida and I tried to make Christmas an equally fun time for our family. I think we were successful most years. At least we never heard any complaints from the kids.

What caught me off guard was that, this year, I just don’t seem to be looking forward to Christmas like I have so many times before. I suppose it’s understandable considering what we are facing as a family.

About one-month after Lauren passed away, everything in life seemed to slow down to a crawl. Many things that seemed important before, simply were not now. In trying to describe the feeling to some one I attempted to help them visualize the experience with a word picture. I said, “Think of yourself neck deep in mud, every movement, every progression forward is labored and slow because you are constantly pushing through the heavy mud.”

It’s very different now. Last Christmas, I think two things happened. First, we were emotionally, still in deep shock, and Second, we were very focused on getting through Christmas the way we knew Lauren wanted us to.

The other night I sat at my favorite spot in our dining room. Not far away, my son and a couple of friends were at the counter making some fantastic Pumpkin Muffins. One of his friends was sifting sugar through one of those big plate size sifters. The other was preparing the dough. That counter was a very special place for me. Many nights Lauren and I would be in that same spot making her favorite pastry, French Macrons (We always preferred the Martha Stewart Recipe). I would do everything LaLa wanted. If, she promised to sift the flour and the sugar … twice … yikes, it was hard work. A secondary requirement was that she let me eat at least five of those  Macrons, she always let me have more. They were great times for us, we laughed often. On rare occasions, Laurens anxiety or withdrawal would be too much to handle and a mis-made batch of macrons would send her into a meltdown. I finally added a third stipulation, we would only make them if we promised to not focus on how things came out, only on being together and having fun. With that criteria things went smoother and the experience became very meaningful for both of us

I must confess, seeing my son and his friends there laughing and having fun manifested a deep sadness in my heart.  Two weeks before Lauren passed away, she texted me, and asked me if I would help her make some Glutton Free macrons when I got home. We had never made these before. It is very important to have lots of time and activity with a loved one facing addiction away from anything connected to recovery. They need to  “relearn” and experience the fulfillment and joy of life outside of drugs. All of the natural joy life brings has been hijacked by the incredible dopamine blasts drug use brings.

“The functions of dopamine are too many to count. Dopamine is an extremely famous neurotransmitter working in your brain. Whenever you want to learn anything about neuroscience, dopamine always comes into the discussion. This chemical is one of the central power-drivers for all the work of your brain. Without dopamine, you would be quite un-human, since it’s the key force behind most of our actions and interpersonal relationships.”

On the way home I picked up the few things we needed but by the time I got home, LaLa was not feeling well. She asked me if I minded doing the macrons some other night, I said of course not, but sadly we never got the chance to bake them.

What I have learned in the short and minimal experience I have with losing someone that you deeply love, is that grieving, and healing are a process, it takes time, and lots of it.

When I get the chance to speak to students I always bring a large “pink” notebook and often wear a pink shirt. I start my talk by mentioning that they must be wondering why a relatively large man, is wearing a pink shirt, and carrying a pink notebook. I explain that pink was Lauren’s favorite color and point out that “When you lose someone that close to you, you do everything you can to try to keep them here, but you, can’t, they are gone.” Once I have said that, I have their attention.

It’s true, you do try to hold on to them, or at least I do, you don’t want to let them go.

In some ways its dangerous. You can end up clinging to what “was” at the expense of what “is”. That can also happen when you are walking with someone you love through a mental health or addiction issue. Especially if you have a spouse, or other children. The demands that the mental health or addiction put on the family can overshadow everything else. Time, people, resources and yes, even holidays.

As I watched my son and his friends, I realized a couple of important things:

• You must move forward, but the truth is you don’t want to let go.
• By making “new” memories you are not betraying the precious moments you shared with your loved one.
• You are not in any way diminishing your love for them by moving forward. In fact, it is because of your deep love for them that grieving and healing are a long process.

Seeing my son and his friends enjoying that moment together I realized a “new” memory was being formed, and it was okay. Knowing LaLa as I do, I know she would be happy about that. I think she would say “It’s okay dad, I am safe now.”

On Wednesday November 14^th 2019 7PM to 9PM we will be hosting a one night event by Griefshare called “Surviving the Holidays”.

Here is a brief video about the program

The location is at New Life Church 300 Elizabeth St. Derby CT 06418. If you would like to attend please email nereida@newlifect.com or call 203-734-8544. The cost is only ten dollars.

Or check out the Griefshare website to find a location near you