Why can’t we be friends

Several weeks before Lauren passed away, maybe a little longer, she started to reach out to a few girls that were old time friends. These were friends she had in high school. None were connected to the issues that had overshadowed Laurens life in the last five years. Her interaction with them revealed a great hope of getting together and spending time with them. Lauren and one of these gals had made plans to spend time together only a week or so before she died, but it never happened. I see it as an effort for Lauren to find a friend. Some texts from the last two days of her life also revealed efforts to buy drugs. At this point in her recovery, she was at one of the trigger milestones people suffering with addiction face, thirty days, three months, six months etc. That’s why you will see people lapse after fairly significant periods of time being drug free. Lauren shared things with these girls that revealed her desire to change and get well. At the same time, she was really fighting the urge to use again, I wish she had told us.

These girls encouraged and supported LaLa every way they could. I think the interaction brought her real joy and I know it meant a lot to the two girls involved.

Recently, I read of an incredibly interesting detail in the life of King David. It was an account of incredible events in his nation, Israel’s history. It was in one of the history books of the Bible, First Chronicles.  David was one of Israel’s greatest Kings. In chapter twenty-seven, verse thirty four we find the culmination of a very long and detailed account of how organized, accomplished and gifted David was. It’s incredible as chapters twenty-three to twenty-seven reveal the huge organizational chart of all that David oversaw in the religious, municipal, administrative, military and financial sectors. As you read through the details of these chapters you are not only overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of what he did, but also by the qualities and abilities he demonstrated. I was equally impressed by the skills of the people he led and their accomplishments. David was obviously a talented and determined leader, a leader of leaders. Then, in one little sentence, in the second to last verse of chapter twenty-seven it mentions something that just doesn’t measure up to this magnificent record of accomplishment. It mentions a guy named “Hushai” and it simply says he was “the Kings friend”. In the few other places he is mentioned in scripture he is also referred to as David’s friend. Some of Hushai’s actions would indicate that he was a friend. This idea really struck me in contrast to all that had just been described. “His friend”, could that really be important in light of all that had been revealed. It made me realize, wow, even one of the greatest Kings that ever lived, needed a friend. Don’t we all?

Early on we began to understand that our LaLa was facing some overwhelming mental health issues. Struggling through the reality that these issues affected all of us, not just Lauren, I read something that I simply did not expect to matter. It said that the best thing that we can do to support and help someone close to us that is facing a mental health issue was to just be their friend. To just spend time with them, go to a movie, take them out for coffee, or just sit with them, anything. It went on to say that this simple act could be life changing for that person.

Trying to help my daughter overcome her addiction by navigating a very confusing system was frustrating at best and at times heartbreaking. Trying to deal with caring for her mental health issues was a labyrinth that was mind numbing and impossible.

Back in the seventies, the care and treatment of people with mental illness was intentionally shifted from an institutionalized system, to a community issue. If you would like to understand more about that read the book “Insane Consequense”, written by DJ Jaffe one of the leading authorities on the subject. Some of these changes were very positive as some of these institutions had spiraled down into very ugly places, many clients were sadly mistreated and left to live in conditions that could only be described as sub-human. On the flip side many of the changes created more problems:

In a book called “Resurrecting the Person: Friendship and the Care of People With Mental Health Problems”, John Swinton says …

“… the reality reveals countless sad, lonely, isolated individuals for whom deinstitutionalization has been a movement away from varying degrees of security and friendship to nothing.”

Lauren needed a friend, it didn’t matter if the friend was someone familiar with the struggles she faced as long as they were in successful recovery, or someone totally disconnected from anything she experienced, just a friend!

We all have the unique and powerful opportunity to be a friend to people around us. People who in some ways may be different than us, but like King David, want a friend.

Another thing Swinton said is

“Christ-centered friendship demands that the church become a community that is deeply committed to those who in some senses are, “the least like us.” It demands that we sit with the poor, commune with the marginalized, and sojourn with those whom society despises.”

In my opinion no organization is better equipped to do this than the church. The church is still one of the first places people will turn to for help.

For me its not always easy to be a friend to people who are the “least like us”. Not because of the people, not because I don’t care, it’s because I’m too busy (or at least I say so) and I often don’t know what to say or do. If I’m honest I guess I’m afraid of what I don’t always understand.

Someone needs us to be a friend. The funny thing is that one act of kindness might just end up on a hit list of meaningful accomplishments in someones life.

If you have a loved one or person close by that lives with a mental health issue, be their friend, it’s what they need more than anything else.

Some things I know will be a help to me in the future are:

• Realize this person doesn’t need me to fix or change anything, I can’t. They just need me to be there.
• Understand that the beautiful person they are is often hidden by the pain they face.
• Stay open to learning something: first, about other people, and second, about me.

By the way, let’s not forget the great advice Clarence the angel from the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”  gave us…

“No man is a failure who has friends” – Clarence

The photo for todays post is by Leonard Misonne – Country Women Stopping to Converse on a Village Road in Belgium