Some Decisions Are Really Hard

As a recovery coach I work with a few families to help them navigate the rough road of loving someone with an addiction. Lately, a couple of families I’ve encountered have had to make some very hard decisions regarding their loved ones. It’s not easy.

One of the things that C.R.A.F.T., (to learn more about C.R.A.F.T. read “I’m Sorry Honey”)or any plan that seeks to motivate those we care about to get the help they need, is that we must be ready to let them experience natural consequences of their actions. Last week I ran across a very interesting article. There are some parts in the article I do not agree with, well, at least not where I m now. What I do like is that it encourages families to move at their own pace in making the choices that best impact their loved one’s recovery and highlights the importance of letting them feel the natural results of their actions. You can read the article here, I do want to let you know it is not talking about tough love. We should be very tough on fighting our loved one’s addiction, but they must know that we love them. Here is a white paper sited in the article that demonstrates that interventions are not effective, perhaps on TV, not in real life. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure in some cases it has worked, but I am fearful there are far too many more times where tough love did not work. I have never heard of anyone that said, “I disengaged from my loved one and they died, it was the right choice.”

Although, Lauren had used heroin for 5 years we did not find out about her using until the last year of her life. She had not been stealing from us, there was no money seeping out of her accounts. In that last year we had experienced a maddening cycle of overdoses, treatment, hospitals, withdrawal and all the other baggage addiction brings.

As things continued to spiral out of control, and the consequences of her addiction magnified within the legal system and relating to her health, we really stood on three choices regarding Lauren and her future. You can read about those in “Why We Chose Love.”

One of the things we expressed to Lauren was that although we would never throw her out of our house, there might come a time where she, because of our restrictions on drug use, might choose to leave. I told her that was not what we wanted but if she made that choice we would do what we could to help her recovery.

I am not quite sure why, but what I feared most for Lauren was that she would end up in a “Sober House” or prison. Some Sober Houses are helpful places providing important services. Far too many prey on the weaknesses of the addicted and they are often taken advantage of and abused. Regarding going to prison, I felt she just would not survive. Death by overdose is always a possibility when your loved one battles severe addiction, but I suppose I did not fear it because I didn’t want to think about the possibility.

On June 29^th 2017 I was returning home from a conference on the West Coast. As we were entering the van that would bring us home from the airport I received a text from Lauren saying that she wanted to go visit a Sober House in the New Haven area. As I read that text my stomach twisted into a knot and my heart sank deeper than I thought it could. Fear gripped every part of me! Mind racing, I frantically tried to think of the words that would fix everything. I simply texted back “That was not what mom and I are asking you to do, but if that is what you want we can go look on Monday.” When I arrived home that night many hours later, I was emotionally empty and physically drained. Lauren wanted to get into a discussion about the Sober house but I was too tired and my mind was still racing. That night I did not sleep. I tossed, turned, and lay awake most, if not all, of the night. The next morning I got out of bed knowing that I had no choice but to let Lauren go to the Sober House if that was what she wanted.

To this day I am not sure why but Lauren told me that morning she did not want to go to that facility and might look for another.

That was probably the hardest decision I ever had to make. It went against everything I felt within me and stood face to face against my greatest fear, but if she decided to go into the Sober House, I had decided I would let her go. I decided to trust God.

As parents or loved ones of people fighting an addiction, we will have to make these hard decisions, they are not easy, they bring us face to face with our greatest fears, question everything we think we know, and push us to the end of what we believe we can bear. Choosing Love does not mean we pretend everything is okay, it means we let our loved one know that we will always do all we can to move them toward being well, and understanding that sometimes that means we will really have to trust God.

This is the last post before Thanksgiving. I have many things to be thankful for: A supportive and encouraging wife, an awesome son – Lauren’s twin, the privilege to be a Pastor of a great church and a God who has promised to be with me in every up, every down, every heartbreak and every moment of my life.

I spent some time trying to think of what I can be thankful for relating to Lauren. There are many moments and things I can be thankful for. One happened the winter before Lauren passed away. Evan was home from college on winter break. We had planned to stop by Jordan’s furniture the next day to hang out at their ropes arcade. It is a really cool place with plenty of rope slides, and climbing activities for those that love that stuff, and can lift themselves, ha ha. LaLa could climb like a spider since she was a baby. Rock walls where candy for her. The night before I had heard Lauren and Evan talking about some new Lego set that had just come out. I knew Lauren loved spending time with her brother and the fine motor skills needed to piece it all together helped quiet the constant drone of her anxiety and addiction. The next morning a snow storm was due to hit us. Expected coverage was 4 to 6 inches. When I got up I was able to sneak out before anyone was awake and pick up the kit at our local Target. The store was empty, but I happened on to a customer service rep. that did not take the first clerks no for an answer. She knew she had seen one in the store and went out of her way to find it. She eventually did. Later that day, in the middle of the snow storm, we drove over to Jordan’s Furniture. It was a real adventure for us. We all cheered Lauren on as she covered every inch of the course several times.

I am Thankful for that day, it was filled with lots of laughter and smiles. It had several moments of me being able to watch my kids hang out and enjoy one another. Lauren was happy. It was a great day.

Happy Thanksgiving!