The one thing I would do differently

The other day I noticed a state police vehicle, ambulance, and two cars on the side of the highway. As I got closer it was evident there had been a serious accident. Seeing the car with the level of damage I saw made me wonder why there wasn’t more traffic on both sides of the highway. No slowing down or rubber necking. People just moving on with their lives in the shadow of tragedy. Maybe I was just seeing the last remnants of the activity that normally surrounds accidents like this. Maybe this accident only involved the one wrecked car I saw and was contained to the area on the shoulder, and as a result it wasn’t affecting the traffic.

For me this felt like what happens to a person and family that loses someone they love very much. For the rest of the world life moves on, as it should. Yet the family is still damaged and broken by the tragedy. In some regards they are now frozen in time.

Extreme grief sometimes seems like a never-ending series of transitions. Starting with shock and one day, we hope, ending with the ability to now live in a permanently altered but temporary world. In our families loss, because of our Faith and the actions we saw unfold in Laurens life, especially the last month of her life, we know we will one day be reunited with her in heaven.

When that loss involves a senseless death like an overdose one thing you often ask is “Did I do everything I could?” I don’t have the answer. Of course, there are things that I may have done differently, but I do know I did everything I could with the knowledge and resources I had at the time. Since losing LaLa I have learned many things relating to addiction and mental health that I really wish I knew before, but I did not.

Faced with the shock that Lauren was addicted to heroin, the biggest thing I would do differently is to put together a team of people that could give us an unbiased assessment of the best approaches to Laurens treatment. We did this relating to the treatment of Laurens anorexia upon her completing a residential program. Lauren was not responding well to the IOP eating disorder program she was in. Her mom and I felt her progress was at risk so we designed our own team to effectively treat Lauren as she faced anorexia. The team included a nutritionist, medical doctor, Psychologist and Psychiatrist. It worked, what derailed us was discovering that Lauren had been fighting a four-year struggle with heroin. That changed everything for us.

Struck with the numbing shock of LaLa’s addiction we honestly had no idea what to do, so we did the only thing we thought would help, put her in a residential program. It wasn’t effective for her. Please don’t misunderstand: we learned things that helped us. I believe they helped Lauren too, but it wasn’t lasting. To make things worse, our fear and limited understanding caused us to sometimes do the same things over and over. The tragedy was, it wasted lots of precious time, and unimaginable amounts of money. Some say that every experience in recovery and treatment is a step closer toward winning the battle. I don’t necessarily disagree with that, I just feel it’s important to win the battle as soon and as effectively as possible.

Faced with the same circumstance today, the biggest thing I would do differently is not react too quickly. I would design a team of specialists to evaluate Laurens situation so we could then plan the most effective care for her. I would want to have conversations with a Medical Doctor who could evaluate her current physical condition, a Psychiatrist that could assess her mental health as well as a licensed Addiction Counselor or Recovery Coach both of whom could bring a diverse understanding of the most current and effective treatment options available. If your Pastor is comfortable counseling in addiction and mental health they can also be an incredible help. When faced with an addiction or mental health issue the first place more than fifty percent of people turn is their Pastor. Two other components I would put in place would be: first, a medically assisted detox (I saw Lauren detox on her own, it is heart wrenching), and second, to involve our family in working with someone trained in teaching and coaching families and individuals in the C.R.A.F.T. model to support families in crisis. There is no other approach that has been proven more effective in helping the loved ones of those suffering with addiction stay well and motivate their loved ones to enter or continue treatment.

True, this would take time, but it would be time and resources well spent. It is very important that your loved ones level of risk is carefully and consistently monitored. For example, in Lauren’s life there was an occasion when Lauren had overdosed at work on a Wednesday, and then in our home the next day. In this case the highest level of treatment was required for her safety. Be aware that no matter what drug your loved one is using there are risks because many drugs are now laced with fentanyl or one of its many, powerful derivatives (carafentanyl an analogue of fentanyl is 10,000 times more potent than morphine). Fentanyl shows up in most Heroin, bootleg Xanax, bootleg Oxycodone (today many dealers own commercial pill presses that produce fake pills medical experts would have difficulty spotting). There have even been cases of fentanyl laced marijuana. Fentanyl kills, and anyone that would cut drugs with it is aware of the risks. They should be prosecuted harshly.

Some might ask: “Well, don’t the different programs and treatment centers do evaluations?” Yes they do. The problem is they are not extensive enough. The other reality is that there are huge amounts of money at stake. Recovery is a business. By that I do not mean that the people involved don’t want to help, or are not sincere, but as a business the bottom line must be considered. Lauren was evaluated at every type of program she was in. No one ever said “We are sorry, based on Laurens history we believe we are not a good fit for her and recommend this.” Two residential programs accepted Lauren and two weeks into treatment released her from the program. You can not imagine how disheartening this was to LaLa and us as a family, it was painful. In addition, a standard policy in the industry is that if a program releases your loved one for any reason, including not being able to provide adequate level care, you are responsible for the full amount of treatment. Thankfully one of the residential programs Lauren attended never sought the remaining balance. The other did forgive the balance owed after a lengthy and frustrating communication process, we were thankful, but it was more stress and pain in the middle of trying to save LaLa’s life.

Putting together an assessment like this can help you answer some very important questions. What is the level of my loved ones addiction? Are there co-occurring problems that must be addressed at the same time? Is our family getting the help we need to be well? Is there anything happening that could be making my loved one’s recovery harder? In lots of ways it would also put you in a place where you are ahead of your loved ones addiction, not constantly reacting to the current crisis.

This week I read a poem that I hope will set the tone of Christmas with those you love.

If I knew it was the last time, I’d see you fall asleep

I ‘d tuck you in more tightly, and pray your soul to keep.

If I knew it was the last time, I‘d see you out the door,

I ‘d hug and kiss you one more time, and call you back for more.

If I knew it was the last time I’d get to share your day,

I know that I’d make certain, it didn’t slip away.

We assume we’ll have tomorrow, to correct an oversight,

that we’ll always have another chance, to make everything all right.

There will always be another day to say that “I love you”,

There will always be another chance to ask “What I can do?”

But just in case I might be wrong , and today is all I get,

I’ want to say that I love you, So that you will not forget.

Tomorrow is not promised… that we’ll see another night,

Today could be my last chance to love and hold you tight.

Instead of waiting for tomorrow, show your love somehow

For if tomorrow never comes, you’ll wish you’d done it now

That you didn’t take the extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss

Instead you were too busy for the one that you now miss. .

Hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,

Tell them that you love them, and why you hold them dear.

Say “I’m sorry. Please forgive me, You’re the best, and It’s OK”

So if tomorrow never comes, you’ll not regret today.

The gifts and fun of Christmas are great and must be enjoyed, but remember the most powerful gift we can give to someone is to tell them “I Love You”.