Out of the Darkness

Last week was my 63^rd birthday. A few friends stopped by our house. We enjoyed some laughs, memories, and an awesome Italian cake from Del Prete’s in Bridgeport, CT. It was a Cassata Cake – rum cake with cannoli filing – Yum!

As we were eating the cake one of my friends, Pooch, asked: “Does this cake have rum in it?” I answered: “Yes, but you know its been cooked and so the alcohol is out of it.” To my surprise, since that evening, I have learned that it is not true, the alcohol is present in rum cake. He answered: “I know, I just don’t want to play with my head.” That answer really caught my attention. It helps me understand why he has been sober for so many years. He is committed, fully, every day, to his recovery. He also stated, “I don’t want to kick the dog.” I like that.

It wasn’t always that way. When he began his journey toward recovery Pooch’s drinking was matched by his drug use. He had done so many drugs and drank so much alcohol that he had suffered brain damage, as well as many of the other issues connected to alcohol. His anxiety reached epic proportions, and on several occasions he was taken to the hospital for severe panic attacks. He was prescribed Valium but in a short time he was snorting those on a regular basis while drinking heavily. In Pooch’s own words “I could not stop drinking.” If that wasn’t enough, he was also suicidal.

That’s exactly what addiction does, it plays with your head. One of the things that eventually happens to a person facing addiction is they are convinced they cannot exist without the drugs or alcohol. That, like my misconception about rum cake, is simply not true. The only way to break free from poor thinking is to make the decision to stop believing the lie. That doesn’t mean it will be easy. I am certain that in his early days Pooch could not have said what he said at my dinner table. Pooch told me about a counselor at Guenster Rehabilitation in Bridgeport, CT. Guenster is no longer open. Each day a counselor would ask him “What level are you at from 1 to 10,  with your anxiety?” Although he tried to think otherwise, each day my friend had to answer “10”.  After two weeks the counselor told my friend: “Then you better start learning to live at a 10.” My friend wanted to hit him, but said it was at that point that he realized he had to stop blaming everyone for his problems and start learning to live with what he got. We must play the cards we were dealt whether it is fair or not. Victor Frankl says it this way, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Pooch says he still struggles with anxiety, thankfully not anywhere near the degree at which he experienced it before. His advice is that addiction is not just about meetings. It is a spiritual, mental, and physical fight. All areas must be addressed. He is grateful for the many people around him that did not give up on him, especially his wife. He says he prayed all the time, it helped a lot. Although he confessed that for a while it was hard work to quiet the scream of addiction enough so he could pray. He also benefited from using “Reality Therapy”. Reality therapy is a client-centered form of cognitive behavioral therapy (one of the most effective evidenced based therapies used in addiction treatments today) that focuses on improving present relationships and circumstances, while avoiding discussion of past events. This approach is based on the idea that our most important need is to be loved, to feel that we belong, and that all other basic needs can be satisfied only by building strong connections with others. Pooch said he was weighed down with tremendous amounts of guilt over failing his family, “Reality Therapy” helped him with his addiction and his relationships.

Today we are realizing that there are other important elements of addiction that we haven’t been talking about as much as we used to: learned behavior and habit. Here are some great resources about the power of habit and learned behavior relating to addiction: Unbroken Brain by Maia Szalavitz, Hijacked Brains by Henrietta Robins Barns, and Addiction and Virtue by Kent Dunnington.

This week’s featured image is another by Brooke Shaden. It is called “Out of the Darkness”. In a comment on her Flickr page she writes “For anyone who needs a little help climbing out of that dark place.” Overcoming an addiction, or mental health issue often feels just like that, climbing out of a dark place.

The reason Brooke Shaden’s images are so incredible to me, is her deep commitment, determination and passion to share with us what she sees in her heart and mind. Brooke often travels to far away places at the strangest times of the night. Walking in frost covered fields in her bare feet, and even laying in partially frozen ponds or marshes to send her powerful message contrasting the struggle of darkness and light. You can see more of her images and the stories behind them here.

It’s that same kind of attitude that helps my friend, Pooch, stay diligent in his recovery, and it’s why he will celebrate his 30^th year of sobriety in April.

You may be facing an addiction today. Your mind may say you can’t live without this. Don’t believe that lie. Look at the many people around you, like Pooch, who are making choices every day to get well. Pooch also said “It got easier the more I practiced what they taught me.” The same can be true for you!

It won’t be easy, it won’t happen overnight, but there is one very insightful word in Brooke’s comment on her image: “climb”.  It starts with just one decision that only you can make. It can be small, maybe for you it is a call to a rehab to learn about your options, or entering into detox or making yourself accountable to someone that loves you. The point is you have to make the decision, YOU CAN DO IT!