Somewhere Over the Rainbow

The other day, as I sat in a bank parking lot waiting for my son to make a deposit, a question popped into my mind, “What is this going to feel like twenty years from now?”

This week was Evan and Lauren’s birthday. Like most parents I remember so vividly the day they were born . With only two birthdays behind us since our daughter’s death we are trying to find the balance among honoring our daughter’s life, navigating the deep loss and expressing in healthy ways the incredible love we have for her with living the lives we still have, with the people we still love. Everything changed for us as a result of the hole in our hearts which was once filled by our daughter. God is not displeased when the loss of someone we love greatly alters our world, He knows we are human, but I do think He expects us to keep fully living the life He has given us.

We had a great day celebrating Evan’s birthday. We want to be sure we are not allowing our lives and relationships to be overshadowed by the memory and loss of Lauren. I believe Lauren would understand that. She loved Evan and us very much!

In a, now, very old TV series called “ER”, one of the first long running hospital series, two favorite episodes were about one of the lead characters, Mark Green, coming to the end of his life as a result of a brain tumor. Although I had seen them many years ago, I watched Season Eight episodes Twenty and Twenty-one with Lauren before we entered the whirlwind of discovering all she was facing. She liked “ER” because she wanted to be a doctor. I think she may have watched the complete series. I liked these episodes because in them Mark was able to come to terms with his daughter as she was struggling through her teen years. As Lauren and I watched them together I did not know how much my own daughter was hurting. The episodes resonate with me at a deeper level now because our family, especially Lauren, experienced tremendous healing, in the last year of her life. In the closing scene of episode Twenty-One, Rachel (Mark Greens daughter) asks the limo driver to pull the car over as the family is returning home from her father’s funeral. She had noticed some balloons tied to a sign. She grabs a balloon and releases it into the sky as the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” plays. Louis Armstrong is the original singer, but this version is by Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole. You can watch the scene with the song here. If you have children or are in the second half of your life game, you better have tissues. Although, I watched that episode for the first time, in 2002, it has stayed embedded in my heart.

For the past two years, Nereida and I have visited Laurens graveside on her birthday. We always bring flowers and this year we brought a balloon as well. We were quite a sight as we ascended the very steep, ice-covered, hillside that Lauren is buried on. I also had a makeshift walking stick. As we got to the headstone, we could see that others had visited too. Although she could not always see it, Lauren (LaLa) was very much loved by many people. As we stood there we cried, we prayed, we wondered “Why?” and eventually we let the balloon go. In our minds it was a picture of our love rising to her in heaven. Holding each other tightly we watched the balloon rise and rise, high into the snowy sky, farther than we could see while the icy snow fell on our faces. Somehow as that balloon rose so did our hearts. Then we had to make the precarious descent down the extremely icy hillside, Nereida went most of the way strategically sliding on her rear end. We smiled as we pictured Lauren laughing, as she often did, whenever we were skiing and I would wipe out! She got a lot of enjoyment out of that!

The same day, that I was at the bank, a friend of mine asked if I had seen the movie “Beautiful Boy”, I told him I hadn’t, but I had read about eighty-five percent of the book in the middle of all that happened with Lauren. When I had read it, I was honestly afraid to get to the end, so I never finished it. I now know the outcome for Nic (the addicted son) and his family was exactly what we all hope will be the outcome when we hear heartbreaking stories like theirs. My friend mentioned that, for him and his wife, the movie was very eye-opening, informative and extremely moving. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to better understand addiction and its impact on the family. Sadly, not all the stories end that way.

After experiencing two birthdays with our daughter in Heaven. We found out that the second year, while very different, is in some ways harder. I think in twenty years, I will still be missing and loving my little girl. For me a part of the struggle is knowing there will be many moments we just won’t enjoy with Lauren in this life. In twenty more years of life I hope I will be able to say I used the days God gave me well and loved the people He allowed into my life.

One thing’s certain: My heart will still be filled with great hope, that one day, somewhere way over the rainbow, in a place that balloon just could never go, I will get to hold my daughter again!

If you are a dad with a daughter, take three and a half minutes to watch this video: Father and Daughter

This week’s featured image is another by Brooke Shaden