An Opportunity I Missed
March 22, 2019
Lauren had a favorite nickname, “LaLa”. It is the name she preferred that people call her by, her closest friends always did.
I most always referred to Lauren by her given name. In my mind I was worried that her desire to focus on nicknames was an attempt on her part to be someone she was not. I wanted her to be comfortable with who she was so she would learn to accept the person God designed her to be. My motive was right, but I am not sure my actions sent the message I hoped she would receive.
I remember while Lauren was at a local IOP, an Intense Outpatient Program is treatment that is at least three times a week for about four hours each day, it is like being in a residential treatment except you do not sleep there. An issue had come up about Lauren insisting on being called Lala. The program team was worried that the use of the name might have been an attempt by Lauren to mock her recovery or stay connected to her addiction. The concern was that it was a reference to Lauren being in “LaLa” land. Lauren was very upset and felt she was being singled out since others in the group used their nickname. She explained to her counselor that it was a nickname given to her by her cousin, Alex. Alex passed away at the age of eleven from cancer. When he was about three, he could not pronounce Lauren, so, he gave her the name LaLa and a few times Lolli. LaLa stuck, she liked it, I imagine it made Lauren feel very special.
While I was attending one of the family nights at the IOP with Lauren, her counselor asked me about the nickname. Unfortunately, some of the information the counselor shared about where the name came from was not quite clear and the timeline of when this name was given was inaccurate. Not being able to make the connection to what happened nearly twenty years earlier and what was explained as happening recently, I said I had no idea what she was talking about or where the name came from, I was wrong, I did know where the name came from but I did not remember. At this point Lauren’s treatment team had concerns about how she was progressing in her recovery, although they did not have clear evidence. I understood why they felt this could be important, but they made the same mistake I did, they were seeing Lauren through the lens of their own fears and misconceptions. After Lauren passed away, we discovered a gift that someone who cared about Lauren gave her for Sixty days of sobriety while she was in this IOP. Lauren never opened the gift. She did save it and kept it with other items she considered important. As best I can surmise during this program Lauren had duped the system, as crazy as it sounds, it is possible. I know that Lauren was very appreciative of the gift. Perhaps she had the dream of one day reaching sixty days of sobriety and planned to open it then, but at the time she received it, she must not have felt she deserved it. I am so proud of her for her integrity and courage but my heart hurts because I know the last thing Lauren needed was more guilt weighing down on her.
When LaLa (Lauren) was being discharged from the last detox she ever attended, during the family debrief meeting just before discharge, I referred to her as Lauren. She responded by correcting me with LaLa. A little back and forth spat ensued between us, finally ending with Lauren saying, “That’s just the way he is.” In my stubbornness I thought it was Lauren being fresh – but it wasn’t – what she was really saying was “He has his reasons”. I understand that now.
I remember how broken Lauren was in that meeting and during her stay at this last detox. In “The Dangers of Being Alone” I describe, in detail, much of what Lauren must have been feeling. This demonstration of will was probably a little glimmer of effort to hold on to some shred of dignity and value. For someone deeply hurting even focusing on a name that makes them feel good is like a life preserver in the middle of a sea of pain. As her dad I would never want to miss a chance to encourage her and make her feel special, especially once our family knew the magnitude of the struggle Lauren was in. We understood how important being accepted and trusted was to her.
I am disappointed that in my fear, lack of understanding and just plain stubbornness, I missed this opportunity. I know Lauren understood and I am okay with what had happened that day in the exit meeting. You can read in “Why We Chose Love” about one of the most meaningful mementos’ I have from Lauren that demonstrates the level of healing we experienced in our relationships as a family even after this encounter in the office.
In relationship with an addicted person, either as someone who loves them, or someone who provides care for them, it’s important to avoid the trap of simply not believing or accepting anything they say. I get it, there is a lot of lying and deception when someone we love is in addiction, but there are also moments of transparency and quiet whispers for help. It’s up to us, the healthy ones, to recognize these little opportunities to add value to a life lost in pain. In the post “Junkies Are People Too” I try to bring some insight into why there is so much deception.
As the person in the relationship that is thinking more clearly, we should be in relentless pursuit of every chance to find our loved one doing something right. We should be the ones discovering every little window through which we can build dignity into the life of the addicted person, simply because they have so very little. I am not saying that this should be fake or made up. It should, of course, be a response to true progress in recovery. Nor am saying that me using the name “LaLa” would have changed the way things unfolded in our lives, but I am very certain it would have brought a little more joy into the life of my beautiful girl.
Today when I refer to Lauren, as often as not I refer to her as “LaLa”.
This weeks featured image is called “Guiding Spirit” by Brooke Shaden
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing. I can see the perspective of where you’re coming from as a parent so easily yet I also see hownin hindsight you wish you’d have embraced that name. Such conflicted feelings but God understands and I’m sure Lala understands too!!! ( my auto spellcheck switched lala to layla(?). Praying for your hearts to heal, patty