Listen to Your Kids as Early as You Can

This past week my wife and I did one of the hardest things we have ever done. We began the process of dismantling our daughters’ room. Surprisingly, the biggest and most difficult piece to take down, both physically and emotionally, was LaLa’s (Lauren) bed. In particular was a pretty string of pineapple lights that had been carefully strung across the headboard by Lauren a few years earlier. It was on that bed that we had often comforted Lauren when she was in severe pain from withdrawals. Sometimes not even knowing that it was withdrawals. It was there that we many times had long talks with her about issues she might be facing, sometimes these were a result of her drug use, sometimes helping with her anxiety, but always with the goal of trying to guide her so she could navigate the painful and complicated world of addiction and mental health. On this same bed her mom would often just hold her while Lauren cried tears of great anguish feeling overwhelmed with her constant battle. More times than I can remember I sat on the end of that bed, just watching her. At those times every emotion you can imagine raced through my heart and mind. Always wondering: “why is my daughter hurting so much, how can I help her” and many times quietly praying “God please help us we do not know what to do.”

The string of pineapples were given to Lauren by her mom. Just a little gift Nereida saw at Target around Christmas time. She hoped it would encourage LaLa (Lauren). It must have accomplished the goal because Lauren immediately put them up on her headboard. I loved seeing those lights. somehow they spoke warmth and hope into me, and into the turmoil that often consumed our lives. As I peeled the little pieces of tape and a bandaide off the bed which had been carefully put in place by Lauren to hold the string up, I sobbed, I just miss my daughter!

A few days before taking down the bed I read one of those posts on Facebook, it said “Listen to anything your child wants to tell you. If you dont listen to the small stuff now. They wont tell you the big stuff later .”

I believe that. It reminded me of a time when Lauren and Evan went to a small private school about 40 minutes from our home. It was during grades 3 to 5. Each morning we would pile into my truck, Evan in the passenger seat (at the time LaLa did not weigh enough to sit up front), Lauren would strategically position herself in the back between the two front seats. She always sat so I could see her face in the rear-view mirror and as we rode our eyes often connected. Those were some of the best moments of our lives. At the time I decided that since I had my kids locked in a box with me for forty minutes, five days a week we would do or talk about anything and everything Evan and Lauren wanted to. Occasionally we would listen to exciting books: Monster by Frank Peretti was one of our favorites, as was another book by Peretti and Ted Dekker called House , and the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. Lots of times we had long discussions about music, photography, issues they faced and even some of the crazy stories of me growing up. I feel it is part of why I enjoy the relationships I have/had with Evan and Lauren.

It may also be part of the reason LaLa was able to open-up to us about difficult things for the majority of her life, but sadly not all of them. An event that comes to mind was when she had been challenged by a teacher at school. Apparently she felt safe with the teacher, Lauren told her about the struggles she was having because she tried pot. The teacher handled it very well, she listened to Lauren, allowed her to be honest and vulnerable, prayed with her and then exercised what I feel was wisdom and didn’t bash LaLa with what she had shared. She simply accepted what Lauren shared and suggested that Lauren should consider and pray about telling us, her parents, about it. I think it was a smart call. Young people need to know that there are people (hopefully close family members, teachers, friends) around them that they can trust and confide in. It’s important we realize that before we can lead kids toward the healthiest choices for their lives, we need to know what is going on in their lives.

Lauren made the tough decision to tell me. I remember how remorseful and humble she was. She was genuinely broken. You can read more of how Nereida and I responded in the blog post “What Should I Be Looking For“.

I wish I understood what held Lauren back from sharing with us her battle with heroin addiction. Maybe she felt heroin was too big. Maybe she felt embarrassed about having used other drugs after being so open about the pot incident. Whatever the reason, although we understand and accept it, we realize it was a mistake on LaLa’s part. If she had told us sooner, we could have gotten her the right kind of help at a much earlier stage in her addiction. The sooner a person responds to the realization that they are addicted the quicker and easier their recovery will be.

Our plans are to make Lauren’s room a place where Evan, Nereida and I can work, read, reflect and pray. We feel Lauren would like that.

This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden called “In the Beginning”

As a side note:

I have been working with a group in Shelton called the Progressive Institute. They are a treatment facility that integrates medical technology and evidence-based treatment approaches. We are working together to develop a four-week pilot recovery group that is Christian based for the individual and/or the family (only the third meeting is for families). The Progressive Institute will provide all the clinical aspects of the program. I will be providing the Christian component. This will be a custom designed addiction therapy group, that includes Bible based principles for both the affected individual and/or a family that needs to navigate the complicated addiction of someone they care about. To be clear this service is primarily for an individual suffering with addiction and will have one meeting for the families. If you would like to be in the pilot group, want more information or know someone that can benefit please email me at info@strategies4recovery.com or PM me at Facebook . This program is $368 if all four weeks are attended and covered by a wide variety of insurances including Connecticut state insurance. If you are attending only the family component it is $92 for the whole family. This program is a good fit for a family or individual that wants to understand how to apply practical skills with their faith to overcome addiction.