A Day I Won’t Ever Forget
April 5, 2019
One of the most important elements in recovery is a surprise to most people. In his book “Chasing the Scream” Johann Hari makes this powerful statement “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It’s connection.” Wow, that is profound but not something we readily think of.
Very soon after we discovered Lauren was addicted to heroin, you can read about how we found out about Laurens heroin addiction in “My Loved One is Addicted, Now What”, Lauren and I took a very special day trip. It was something I had wanted to do since my early twenty’s.
Before I became a Pastor, I owned a photography studio. My interest in photography started on a trip to Disney World in Florida. To give you some perspective on how long ago that was, “Space Mountain”, the well-known roller coaster at Disney, opened May 27th, 1977. I was there the week it opened. Since I was at Disney and there was so much to see, I thought it would be a good idea to buy a camera to take pictures. In those days there was a large camera store on “Main Street” inside the park. I purchased a GAF Memo 35, one of the original point and shoot cameras and my love for photography began. Shortly after returning from that trip I wanted to learn more about photography and devoured a book called “The Amateur Photographers Handbook” by Aaron Sussman. It was a very helpful book, I learned a great deal about all aspects of film photography. Part of the book had some really great images of an old monastery just outside New York City called the Cloisters. It is now part of The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
When I saw the images in the book from the Cloisters, they really resonated with me. I
was drawn to the architecture and of course, the quality of the images presented. I vowed that one day I would visit and, hopefully, produce images that where of equal beauty and quality.
As often happens, I just never got around to it. One time in 2013, Lauren and I had once planned on going there as we traveled to NYC to produce her senior picture for her high school yearbook, but getting a late start and traffic derailed our plans.
About a week after we learned of Laurens addiction, Nereida had to travel to see family and Laurens twin brother, Evan was back at college, so Lauren and I made plans to go to The Cloisters. I am very glad we did, I now have a great memory of something incredibly meaningful to me, that I was able to share with my daughter.
It was a beautiful day, and we enjoyed the time together. I must admit, it felt awkward, maybe it did for LaLa (Lauren) too. I really did not know what to say. My daughter was addicted to heroin, it was nothing I ever even imagined, and honestly, I was afraid of saying something that would not help her.
Since Laurens passing away I occasionally encounter people who probably feel the way I did that day. They know I lost my daughter, and they are not sure if they should say something or not. Most folks just don’t want to say anything that may hurt me. I understand that, what I have learned is that it doesn’t matter what they say, just the fact that they would say something helps me know they care.
On our day at the Cloisters I took lots of portraits of Lauren, we walked around the
buildings and the grounds, enjoyed lunch, and we talked a lot. In fact, that entire week we were together we talked a lot. About her fears, her addiction, how we could help her move forward, and more. During this time together I grew closer to Lauren.
While I am certainly no expert, I am becoming increasingly aware that one of the most important elements in someone’s recovery, maybe the most important, is the relationships with those around them who love them. This is a challenge because addiction makes relationships very complicated, but with hard work it is possible for us to build better relationships with those who we care about that are fighting addiction. A few tools that might help are The Twenty Minute Guide for either parents or a partner. A book by Robert F. Meyer, creator of C.R.A.F.T. (Community Reinforcement and Family Training ) called “Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening” and a very affordable online C.R.A.F.T. training course.
In the book “Chasing the Scream” Johann Hari said this as it related to his perspective on an addicted loved one, “I had been taught by our culture what you are supposed to do in situations like this. I had learned it from endless films, and from TV shows like Intervention. You confront the addict, shame him into seeing how he has gone wrong, and threaten to cut him out of your life if he won’t get help and stop using. It is the logic of the drug war, applied to your private life. I had tried that way before. It always failed.”
He also had some advice for anyone who is addicted, “If you are alone, you cannot escape addiction. If you are loved, you have a chance.” It’s true.
I hope that day, and week Lauren and I spent together strengthened her in her fight with addiction, I won’t know for sure until I see her again in heaven. What I do know is that it was as much a gift to me as I hope it was for her.
Staying in relationship with someone in addiction is hard, and sadly, sometimes impossible, but do the best you can to stay connected to them as long as you can, the alternative will only deepen their pain.
This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden
Vinnie I have read today’s entry and that is so incredibly insightful. I love reading your hinestvexpressions if how you all are processing this. And I am positively certain you are blessing and encouraging others through your strength to be vulnerable. Praying that you, nereid and Evan feel God’s loving arms wrap around you