A Way I Can Help My Loved One

The other day I saw an ad on TV, it was from www.drugfree.org . The ad was promoting the idea that every family needs to decide which approach they will use to help a loved one facing addiction. Without exception when you mention to anyone that someone you care about is battling an addiction the default response for most people is “you have to let them hit rock bottom” or “you have got to show tough love”, whatever that means. Granted I know of instances were disengagement has worked. The problem is the vast majority of times it is ineffective at best, tends to destroy relationships and removes the chance to positively influence that person. At worst, it often leads to soul crushing guilt if your loved one dies. Which is a very real possibility in the battle we are in.

People often ask me, “Is there any way I can help my loved one to recover even if they don’t want it?”

I believe there is, but it’s not easy. The other week I got the opportunity to speak at a fund raiser for a local recovery group. I shared “Four Things You Can Do to Help Someone Who Is Addicted”. As a follower of Christ, I try the best I can to apply principles from the Bible to the circumstances I face in life. I am not perfect at it, but it helps, a lot. The four things we can do come from ideas revealed in the Bible.

First, Listen to their story

I underlined “their” for a reason. Two weeks before Lauren passed away she was at our church, by her choice, as I preached a sermon for Fathers Day. The sermon related to Lauren, her brother Evan, my wife Nereida, and myself in powerful ways. The main theme of the message was that the Father, in the story, dealt with each of his sons differently because they were different and had different stories. Every person facing an addiction has a story. What they want and need, most is to be heard. Addiction often grows out of pain and that pain can come from many different places. We must be willing to listen.

Second, Share their pain

About a year before LaLa passed away I was listening to a collection of messages that Rick Warren shared after his son committed suicide. The series is called “How to Get Through What You Are Going Through”, it was the first time he and his wife Kay had spoken since the tragedy. In a message called “When Your World Collapses” he shared an incredibly powerful verse from the story of Job. Job was a man who suffered unspeakable loss in his life, there is a whole book about him in scripture. In the section Job 2:12-13 it tells of his friends coming to encourage and support him in his deep loss. It says this “Then they saw him from a distance…they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.  Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.  No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.” WOW, for seven nights they just sat with him, letting him know they were there for him. Job knew these friends were willing to share his pain.

Third, Stay their friend

In the story, Job begins to share with his friends (this btw is where we want to get with our hurting loved one) and says something incredibly powerful: “A despairing (afflicted, one who needs help) man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty.” Job 6:14. That verse says that everybody needs at least one friend who will hang onto them when they might be saying, “I don’t even know if I believe in God right now.”, or their actions are hurting everyone around them. That person can be you.

Fourth, determine to go the whole journey

I often think about how devastating it must have been to be a follower of Jesus the night of his death. The disappointment and confusion must have been overwhelming. In many ways his disciples must not have understood what had just happened, they must have thought it was over. It wasn’t. In the book of Luke in the Bible, it mentions an encounter between Jesus and two of His followers after His crucifixion. They were heading home, to a place called Emmaus, maybe in their hearts they gave up and were going back to what they knew before. Then, out of nowhere Jesus appears to them. The story says they couldn’t tell who he was but that the conversation centered around the events of Jesus death. One thing that stands out to me in the story is that Jesus went the all the way home with them, it was seven miles, and he finished the journey. Interestingly, once at their destination, it says “And their eyes were opened, and they recognized him. And he vanished from their sight.” Luke 24:31. Our loved one needs to know we are not going anywhere. It does not mean we enable them; it means we don’t give up.

Anyone struggling with an addiction needs to remember their part too. One evening Lauren returned from her IOP (Intense Outpatient Program). She was sitting in her favorite place at our island in the kitchen. You can read about her favorite spot in “I Won’t Let Go”. She was eating, which was always good to see. Lauren was explaining to us all she had learned that night. It was about how when a person starts drugs early in life it has a tremendous impact on the brains frontal lobe. It’s the part of our brain that helps us make decisions and choices. She seemed very positive and focused on the fact that although she might have impacted the growth of that part of her brain, she would get better. It could take as much as three years but her brain would catch up. I was so encouraged to see that she had been learning and was excited about it.

If you are fighting for health against addiction, please remember there are people around you that care about you. There easy to see, they are doing the four things I just talked about, they have your best interests at heart. They may be “seeing” things different than you. Help yourself and take the time to listen and at least consider they might be right. What they are suggesting may be helpful in getting you where you want to be. You can trust them.

You can read more about alternatives to disengaging approaches to help your loved one in “A Day I Won’t Ever Forget”.

This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden, my favorite photographer, I believe it is called “Your Voice Needs to Be Heard”