A New Perspective on an Old Problem

Last weekend I attended a training for clinicians in an approach called “The invitation to Change Approach” click the link to visit an interesting page about the approach for the families and friends of addicted loved ones. It was an experience that certainly aligned with what we feel at We Chose Love. It reminded me that our family did some things very well in trying to help our daughter Lauren win the battle of mental health and addiction. It also made me aware of things we just did not know before Lala (Lauren) passed away. I believe they would have helped, so I want as many families that are loving someone in addiction to know; there is another way.

There are some underlying ideas about recovery and addiction that most people believe to be true and sometimes are, but not often. What the principles I was learning does is help parents and others see there might be another perspective that may bring more effective results. In actuality, a lot of evidence shows that it does. One of the ways we did this at the training I went to was a powerful exercise. In the exercise, we were asked to think of something that made us extremely happy. It could have been a hobby; I know lots of people that feel at peace and fulfilled when they garden. It might be an event you enjoyed with your family or someone you care about. Maybe it is a relationship you have with your spouse or friend that always makes you feel your best. The only requirement was that it could not be someone we had lost to death. Initially I had a hard time choosing something in the long shadow of the loss of our daughter. I finally settled on an activity that my son, Evan, LaLa’s twin brother, or as she would often say her “A1 from day1”, enjoy doing together.  Evan and I don’t get to do this activity as much as we would like, but when we do, woodworking is an awesome time together. We have made tools, a beautiful end table from exotic woods, my favorite in the table is the purple wood. Whatever we are working on it is a great time of laughing, talking and plenty of connection. I have caught myself many times, just watching him and smiling as I do. The instructor then encouraged us to be aware of how we would feel in that moment, or even as we thought about it. As I did I felt joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment. Then she asked us to picture someone asking us to give that up. To realize you could not do that anymore. I instantly realized how hard that would be, and I instantly felt deeply saddened.

The point of the exercise was to show us, loved ones of addicts, that this is what we are asking our addicted loved ones to do. What, what on earth are you talking about? I am asking them to get well, to stop killing themselves and us, to live a “normal” life.

Yes, but the problem is that may be what we are saying, but it is not what they are hearing and feeling because the addicted person gets something from the addictive substance or action. If they didn’t they would not continue using the drug in the face of an avalanche of negative consequences.

A common and helpful definition of addiction is below:

“Addiction is a bio-psycho-social disorder which demonstrates itself in any behavior that a person enjoys or finds relief in and therefore craves in the short term. This behavior results in negative consequences in the long term, yet the individual doesn’t give up the behavior despite those negative consequences.”

As strange as it sounds, the addicted individual is getting something positive out of using the drug. That is a very hard pill for many people to swallow, but in the majority of cases it is true.

They might be masking deep pain. It may be a means to escape the crushing pressure of life or mental health. For many, as strange as it sounds, it might be the only thing that gives them the sense of joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment I spoke of when thinking of my son and I enjoying woodworking together. Could you give all that up?

As hard as this is for us to see, in some ways this can help us at least understand many of the behaviors of our loved ones. Understanding it does not mean we are condoning it.

The real power in this perspective shift is how it can influence the ways we interact with our addicted loved one, which is hugely effective in influencing them toward recovery. Evidence reveals that at least four family members are affected for every one person struggling with substance disorders. At the same time, this evidence also reveals that the most commonly cited reason for entry into treatment is the positive influence of family.

There are several components of the training that The Invitation to Change Approach uses: Motivational Interviewing (MI), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT). All of which help families influence their resistant loved ones toward recovery

For a little deeper understanding of Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT), read last weeks post “Friends and Family”.

Albert Einstein once said “If I always do what I have always done, I will always get what I always got.” That is something we need to consider when we are trying to help a loved one in addiction.

This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden called “The Perspective of Make Believe People”