A Perfect Opportunity

Evidence is showing more and more that family and important relationships can have a huge impact on our loved one’s addiction. This is something I wish we had understood more as we were trying to help our daughter overcome her battle with addiction, anxiety, and anorexia.

The Holidays present a natural opportunity for an important element in our relationship with our loved one to grow. With all the pressure, pain, and chaos that addiction generates, relationships are strained at best. Added to that is the immediacy of being constantly in a life-threatening situation which causes us to focus on the addiction and the problem our loved one has. It becomes the center of our lives and the topic of all our conversation. This is understandable but it distracts us from being able to build something vital to healthy relationship; “Emotional-Connection”.

One thing interesting about emotional connection is it does not merely apply to people who tend to be emotional. A great definition of what is meant by emotional connection comes from a book called  “The Art of Falling in Love” by Dr. Joe Beam, it is an excellent read for couples who want to grow closer together. Emotional Connection is vitally important in helping a loved one, especially a child, fight addiction, and it is not exclusive to romantic relationships. Emotional connection in this context simply means we are drawn to people that generate positive emotions within us. You can think of any relationship you want and you will discover that you like people that make you feel positive inside. Who likes to be around someone that makes them feel lousy, NOBODY! Unfortunately, because addiction is not an isolated disorder, it affects the entire family unit, there is a mountain of negative things (emotions) being generated all the time.

By its nature loving someone with an addiction involves a lot of tension. Lots of conversations about what to do and not to do. Lots of effort in trying to get someone to do what they do not want, never an easy task and we often react during these interactions in ways that don’t help us or our loved one. The posts “A New Perspective on an Old Problem” and “Friends and Family” give some details on how to do this more effectively while being sure YOU are healthy. The healthier you are the better equipped you are to help your loved one. It seems that “the addiction” becomes ALL we ever interact about with our loved one. Knowing the turmoil pain, and fear loving someone with an addiction in a drug world overrun with fentanyl, I get it, IT’S IMPORTANT. The only challenge is while important, none of that builds relationship or emotional connection, and that is important too. The post “Danger Zone” talks about how fentanyl has permanently changed the risks of drug use.

I like the way Johann Hari addressed the value of relationships towards the end of his book “Chasing the Scream”.

“The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety. It’s connection. It’s all I can offer. It’s all that will help him in the end. If you are alone, you cannot escape addiction. If you are loved, you have a chance.”

In the effort to help our loved one win the war against their addiction we must re-build relationship. Emotional connection is a powerful way we can do this.  Here are a number of articles that may be of help. Keep in mind that all of these articles talk about a marriage or romantic relationship. Select the principles that will help you build relationship with your addicted loved one.

“How to Build Emotional Connection”

“How Important is Emotional Connection in Relationships”

“Emotional Connection”

As I said most of the time when we read about emotional connection it is being talked about as it relates to marriage. Remember that relationships are relationships, and many of the principles that apply to one type of relationship, apply to all. I think one of the most overlooked tools in fighting addiction is the importance of building stronger relationships.

The holiday season provides a wonderful opportunity for that to happen, if we can do the hard work of freeing our minds for even a little while of “the addiction”, “the crisis”, and focus on being together as family, friends, and just decent human beings we can win gains in emotional connection. Let me explain it this way, If you are married or have ever cared for someone, I can guarantee one thing that never happened as part of building that relationship, and maybe, if you are lucky, falling in love. You never, not once brought up, talked about, or focused on “the relationship”. You simply did life together, you laughed, enjoyed one another, did things the other person liked, but never did you say “Let’s talk about the relationship”. And guess what, the relationship grew without you even talking about it.

We can take this principle and apply it to building relationship with our addicted loved one. When opportunities arise to do this, we must seize them. Create them if you can, because they will build emotional connection quickly.

The holidays allow for many moments like I just mentioned, to happen more naturally. To the right is one of my favorite images of Lauren and her “A1 from Day1” (a favorite nickname for her twin brother Evan). I remember this Christmas in 2015. LaLa (Lauren) made a big thing of it, she got all dressed up, got involved in decorating, and really enjoyed that Christmas. Who knows, maybe without even realizing it she was endeavoring to fight her addiction by re-connecting with the people she knew loved her most.

You can do something special you know they enjoy. Get them to enjoy time with family and friends. Take one night where you are not talking about their addiction at all, maybe play a game together. I know this is not easy. Looking back, I wish I had made Lauren do more of this, even when she resisted because she was dope sick, or hurting. It makes a big difference. The post “A New Perspective on an Old Problem” explains why this is important and just how powerful it can be.

Work every day to stay connected to your loved one as they fight addiction. Never stop trying, Connection matters!

Todays featured image is by Brooke Shaden entitled “Looking for Neverland” As I look at it it reminds me how desperate our loved ones, and all people, are for connection.