Three Ways to Balance How We Can Help Our Addicted Loved One

Several weeks back I had the opportunity to speak with middle schoolers and high schoolers in an area school. It was one of the best events of this type I had ever been to. It was extremely well organized, and the student body seemed genuinely engaged and attentive. The event was presented in partnership with several different law enforcement agencies as represented by agents at the event. It also included highlights of the film “Chasing the Dragon”. A very powerful film created by the FBI several years back. The film is graphic, painful, informative, and can sometimes feel like there is no hope, but there is hope for you or your loved one to overcome addiction and thrive in the face of mental health challenges.

Shortly after the event, I received an email by one of the organizers, explaining that several students asked if they could send our family and me a letter thanking us. I was blown away by the expression of kindness and told the person who asked that our family would be honored to hear from any of the students that wanted to write.

This week I received the letters in the mail, a wonderful gift for Christmas. Many of the students expressed how sorry they were for our loss, and appreciated us being willing to tell our story. Lots of them shared how they now could see the problem from the perspective of how drug use affected those we love and love us. Others were very grateful for having learned how powerful drugs can be and how quickly we can end up in a place we never imagined. Some thanked me for reminding them that our choices in life matter. As always happens at these events more than we would hope shared how their lives have been impacted because someone they love is addicted.

One student shared just such a sad story about someone they care about. They also asked me what had happened in me that changed my life since I had mentioned that I was 35 years drug-free. A huge part of my story centers around my faith. In a future post, I will share that story, for now I want to share three simple ideas that can be very effective in helping someone we love to win the war on addiction. These ideas come out of a series of talks at a school in California called Biola University . The links to the talks are at the end of today’s blog.

Three things I can do in helping somebody I love overcome addiction:

The first thing we can do is extend to them “Compassionate Care”.

In order for us to do this, these two things have to be present. One is by definition what compassion means. Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help the physical, mental, or emotional pains of another and themselves. It means to be willing to do what we can.

The other thing we need is to be able to come alongside an addicted person we care about is a full understanding of what defines addiction. Quite simply addiction is an extremely complicated disorder that has many elements. It is not something we can sum up in one word like “disease”, “choice,” or even “habit” because all three are parts of addiction. This week as I watched these talks I learned a great tool to help assess if and to what extent our loved one may be addicted It is called:

“The Marks of Addiction”:

1 Tolerance – does a person need increasingly more amounts of the substance to be satisfied

2 Withdrawal – do they experience withdrawal symptoms when not using the drug

3 Craving – do they have physical and psychological cravings

4 Ambivalence – do they constantly express their desire to quit and yet can’t

5 Re-Lapse under ambivalence – have they gone long periods of time not using the substance and yet started up again.

6 Obsession – is the agenda of their day driven by the need for the substance

7 Denial – are they continually deceiving others to hide their drug use. Are they deceiving themselves?

The further down the list we can assign these characteristics to our addicted loved one the more extreme their addiction. When I think of what our daughter Lauren faced, all of these applied  as she was facing a major addiction.

The second thing we can do is “Sit with them in their place of pain”. When we learn someone we love is in addiction or have gone through it for a long time, it is easy to judge and demand “Why did you do it?”, or “You shouldn’t have.” What is more helpful is to say, “I get it, I may not fully understand why you are here, but you are and it is painful, let’s work through this together.”

The third element is a “Community of Support”. This is hugely important because ALL things can be overcome in life, but they won’t be overcome alone! By a community of support, I mean a team. It takes a team to help someone overcome addiction. This team should include many players. Most importantly, at least in my opinion, are friends and family that love the individual without judgment. True we may not agree with or understand how our spouse, child, or someone else got where they are. Nor, do we necessarily condone it, but, we do let them know we are going to do all in our power to keep helping them move forward in recovery. Often this team will include a physician that is experienced in providing MAT (medically assisted treatment). This includes things like Methadone, Suboxone, Vivitrol and others. Many times the argument is centered around the question, “Isn’t that trading one drug for another?” Actually it is not, these medications are designed to lessen cravings. When properly managed, that is what lots of people don’t include, they can be a great help to a person facing addiction, with the hope of one day being off of them too. This is where a good physician comes in. This team of support will also include ongoing help from a group like 12 step programs or SMART Recovery.  Often this group will include a church community, this was a big part of my recovery or other groups. Long term it should also have someone involved who is working with the individual on the drivers that are behind the addictive habit. This could be a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist.

The rise of addiction in our world should be an indicator to us that there is something bigger happening. Often this may center around mental health, pain, trauma, or trying to cope in an increasingly complicated world. The important thing is not merely to get our loved one to stop using drugs, although that is a huge accomplishment. We also need to help them with what may have gotten them there in the first place.

The reality is that there are very few of us that do not have someone we care about fighting an addiction, it is not a hopeless situation. You and I can be a part of the healing process for that person we love so much!

This week’s featured image is by Brooke Shaden, the title is unknown