So Much Lost So Much to Gain

This Christmas I received a wonderful gift from my wife. It was digitized versions of all the tapes we had since before our children were born. The majority of these were when our children Lauren and Evan were under the age of about seven. What a joy it has been to watch them and remember so many awesome moments. They were funny, heartwarming and at the same time deeply saddening.

I could not help as I watched to look for some trace, some hint or evidence that would explain why our daughter Lauren (LaLa was her preferred name) ended up addicted to and ultimately died from a heroin overdose. As each day passes, I grow to hate that word more and more. The word heroin is derived from the Greek word hero due most likely to the feelings of power and exaltation while under the influence of the drug. While that may be true initially, the exaltation disappears quickly, and the addicted persons life becomes a gauntlet of constantly pursuing what simply can no longer be reached, the high they felt the first few times they used. My daughter LaLa in the last few weeks of her life wrote a very accurate description of addiction and what leads to it.

Here is Lala’s Post from June 19, 2017:

“this article has helped me understand others views on the topic of addiction. studies have shown that 50-60% of addiction is due to genetics. although everyone has the potential to become addicted , some people are more predisposed to becoming addicted more than those who’s family have no history of addiction. in some studies it shows that children of addicts are 8 times more likely to develop an addiction bc of their genes. that’s not to say that people without the predisposition to addiction are safe from becoming addicted , addiction can happen to anyone no matter their genetics or how they may have been raised. that also doesn’t mean that all people who are predisposed to addiction become addicted. some families with addiction in it skip generations or in my life for example skip siblings as thankfully my twin is not addicted while i am. while doing a drug is a choice , becoming addicted to it (even though there very well could be a desire to quit but not being able to do so) is why it’s called a disease. today one of the highest causes of death in people under the age of 50 is due to opiate overdoses. many people with this disease called addiction , including myself , have said at least once (for me at least i said this hundreds of times) i don’t want to do this anymore’ and may very well be tired of and disgusted of doing the drug but physically and mentally cannot stop. repeating this cycle of saying ‘i’m going to stop using’ and the very next day or even hours later doing that drug. while choosing to do drugs is a choice becoming addicted isn’t , it’s part of how the brain is hard wired. nobody does a drug for the first time and says ‘wow, one day i hope i become a drug addict.’ that’s certainly something i never wanted to happen to me but it did. my name is lala and i’m a heroin addict.

today i am 18 days sober, although i still have a very long journey ahead of me i’m taking it one day at a time. i couldn’t have gotten sober without the help of my amazing family and awesome friends who are basically family. thanks for always being there to support me no matter if it’s 3am or 1pm i know i can always count on them”

LaLa remained drug-free for another 17 days.

What happened to the beautiful little girl I watched grow up in those videos? What went wrong in her life, what could I have done differently, how might I have stopped this derailment of life? My precious angels’ life. I wish I knew, I wish I had seen in those beautiful moments parading across my phone screen, the moment, the thing that sent her spiraling out of control so I could help every person whose life has been highjacked through the perfect intersection of a great need colliding with a certain experience. To understand that statement read “Addiction is an Attempt at Self Repair That Fails”. It’s just not that simple!

Scientist have realized that there are, in fact, biological factors that make us more prone to addiction. Some might call this the addiction gene, that name will bother some people, but It does not let a person facing addiction off the hook. We never want our loved one, nor should we, to feel they are powerless over their addiction. They are not, but they do need help from the outside. I read an interesting article this week that mentions something every person that loves an individual battling addiction must know:

“Addictions are chronic relapsing psychiatric disorders characterized by the compulsive and dyscontrolled use of a drug or activity, with maladaptive and destructive outcomes. Although use of addictive agents is volitional, addiction leads to loss of volitional control.”

That is why, for example, someone goes back to using their “addictive agent” even after several months and sometimes years of being drug-free. You can read the full article here called “Genes and Addiction”.

The human being is highly adaptable, that is one of our great strengths. It is also one of our great vulnerabilities. Humans can overcome practically anything, but often we can not overcome them alone. Addiction is one of those things we can’t beat alone.

To win the fight to recovery we need to fight on five fronts:

Biologically, which means we should be eating well and exercising.

Medically, there may be medications that we should take because they can help us. Many folks struggle with the use of Suboxone, or Methadone, when administered in proper doses with supportive counseling these medications can be invaluable in helping people overcome addiction. This relates to Mental Health issues as well.

Psychologically, counseling and therapy is important, especially when on medications. In many ways, the use of the drug or the behavior in the case of Mental Health has become the default coping skill for everything in life. New coping skills must be developed and practiced. As families trying to help those we love we should be looking for treatments that use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT, which has proven to be very effective in addiction treatment. Motivational Interviewing practices, and for families a program called CRAFT. CRAFT stands for Community Reinforcement and Family Training. It was created by Dr. Robert Myer of the University of New Mexico. In two clinical studies, it has been over 70% successful in moving loved ones resistant to treatment into recovery over a twelve-month period.

Socially/Relationally, one of the things people battling mental health issues is first, many of the people who fill the roles of friends are paid to be there. Especially in regard to Mental Health issues research has shown is what folks need most is someone to be their friend, to simply spend time with them. Concerning addiction, often an individual’s social contacts are all people with addictions or recovering. It’s important that they build and rebuild relationships with people outside these circles. Interestingly, in the last months of her life, Lauren worked hard at reconnecting with friends as far back as High School that loved her and were great encouragements to her. I believe their conversations and desire to reconnect with Lauren really meant a lot to her. It is also vital and healing for loved ones in the struggle over addiction know we are standing with them, even when we do not condone their choices.

Lastly, Spiritually, addiction is an extremely complicated and ruthless disorder in today’s world of super fueled drugs thanks to synthetics like car-fentanyl, which is 10,000 times more powerful than morphine, I do not know how someone can overcome addiction without Gods help. The good news is He is willing to help! The two battles I could never face on my own are the loss of my daughter and fighting a long term cocaine addiction. I could not do either without God’s help.

Those videos of my children drive home the truth of how senseless it is to lose someone we love to addiction. For me, it is a waste of life and so much that might have been. I see in LaLa’s little face growing up in those videos the loss of so much she could have been, could have done, and could have added to our lives and it makes me angry.

We have to do more in our families and our communities to stem the tide of destruction addiction brings to our world. I hope 2020 will be a year that moves us closer to the goal.

This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden, I do not know the title