Illumination

One of the hardest questions for me to answer is why I did not see signs that would have indicated the battle my daughter was facing with addiction to heroin sooner. I wish I had a simple answer, but I do not.

What I do know is that there where many things I did not understand and as a result missed. Having been through my own battles with addiction, I am 35 years drug free, I thought I understood, but I was not well informed. The majority of what I understood was what worked for me, I did not understand the wide impact of addiction and mental health disorders and more than that the wide spectrum of approaches to helping someone we care about get to wellness.

As part of a three-week post series, Part 1 is “A Strategy for Staying Healthy”, we are speaking to the three categories that everyone falls into concerning addiction or mental health issues:

1. Addiction isn’t an issue for me so how can I support those I love and keep it that way.
2. I don’t know if addiction is an issue for the people I love, how can I identify it?
3. It is an issue for me or someone I love, how can I get help?

This week lets talk about the second group; “I don’t know if addiction is an issue for someone I love, how can I identify it?”

That is an important question, especially in light of what we talked about at the end of last weeks post “A Strategy for Staying Healthy”.

Here is some helpful guidance from www.DRUGFREE.org :

Use Your Nose. Have a real, face-to-face conversation when your son or daughter comes home after socializing with friends. If there has been drinking or smoking, the smell will be on their breath, on clothing, and in their hair.

Look Them in the Eyes. When your child gets home after going out with her friends, take a close look. Pay attention to his or her eyes. Eyes will be red and heavy-lidded, with constricted pupils if they’ve used marijuana. Pupils will be dilated, and he or she may have difficulty focusing if they’ve been drinking. In addition, red, flushed color to the face and cheeks can also be a sign of drinking.

Watch for Mood Changes. How does your teen act after a night out with friends? Are they loud and obnoxious, or laughing hysterically at nothing? Unusually clumsy to the point of stumbling into furniture and walls, tripping over their own feet and knocking things over? Sullen, withdrawn, and unusually tired and slack-eyed for the hour of night? Do they look queasy and stumble into the bathroom? These are all signs that they could have been drinking, using marijuana or other drugs.

Monitor Driving and the Car. Your teen’s car and driving habits can offer clues as well. Is driving more reckless when he or she’s coming home after being with friends? Are there new, unexplained dents? If you’re suspicious, examine the inside of the car too. Does it smell like smoke or alcohol fumes? Are there any bottles, pipes, bongs, or other drug paraphernalia rolling around on the floor or hidden in the glove box? If you find evidence of drug use, be sure to prepare for the conversation ahead.

Keep an eye out for deceit or secretiveness. Are their weekend plans starting to sound fishy? Are they being vague about where they’re going? Can they describe the movie they supposedly just saw? They say parents will be at the party they’re attending, but can’t give you a phone number and come home acting intoxicated? They get in way past curfew or estimated time with an endless string of excuses? When excuses fail, do they respond to your inquiries and concern by telling you that it’s none of your business? If these ring true, something is wrong and it’s time to take action.

While these ideas seem directed to parents most of the principles would work with anyone we care about who might be starting to use drugs or alcohol.

Two other things to keep in mind are, First, do not think “it will work itself out”. A little known truth within in the treatment world is the fact that many people who are misusing drugs and some that may be addicted often stop on their own. Unfortunately, in todays drug environment of fentanyl and carfentanyl  (100 times more powerful than morphine and 10,000 times more powerful than morphine respectively) people are dying all around us (read “All Together Now” for information on the current stats), waiting things out can be very risky and dangerous. Second, do not think, “this can’t happen to us.”  Due to my own background with addiction and it’s prevalence in my family I began very early teaching my children that drugs and alcohol weren’t good for our family. Evan and Lauren were also raised in a very positive and encouraging environment at school and at church. As a family, we are very close and love each other deeply. My daughter being addicted to heroin was one of the last things I was thinking about. You can read the shocking story of how Lauren ended up addicted to heroin and how our family learned of her battles in “The Summer of Driving”

This leads me to another thought to understand and keep in mind. Addiction happens for lots of reasons! Some of those reasons are tied to mental health and a response to the great stresses/trauma of life. Others are far less mysterious but equally complicated: “I want to fit in, I want to feel good, be accepted, or disengage from pain.”

People decide to use drugs, or any other addictive behavior because they get something from it. Noticing the struggles your child may be facing or seeing skills that need strengthening may be indicators of possible reasons they may be drawing toward using drugs.

The best thing you can do is to keep working hard at building a relationship with your loved one. People are open to those that respect them, value their feelings, and thoughts. One of the lures of addiction to drugs is the reality that the individual feels good when using or doing whatever behavior they are addicted to. If they didn’t they would not continue doing it. The earlier in the process we can show them that there are, healthy, alternative behaviors, actions, and experiences to compete with what a drug may give them, the bigger our chances of success. We are an important part of figuring that out.

“Your loved one is affecting his brain chemistry with substances; you can affect his brain chemistry with the way you interact.” Foote, Jeffrey; Wilkens, Carrie; Kosanke, Nicole; Higgs, Stephanie. Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change (p. 47). Scribner. Kindle Edition.

This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden called “Before I Wake”. It reminds me of the importance of helping those around us open their eyes to the gift they are to the world around them, realize that drugs are never a solution or pathway to wholeness and illuminate the path to recovery.