Keys to Helping Your Loved One Toward Recovery

For the past three weeks we have looked at three categories one of which every person falls into relating to addiction. Those three categories are:

• Addiction isn’t an issue for me so how can I support those I love and keep it that way.
• I don’t know if addiction is an issue for the people I love, how can I identify it?
• It is an issue for me or someone I love; how can I get help?

This week we wrap up this series by looking at how we can help someone we care about, or ourselves, that may be fighting addiction.

One of the things that overwhelmed us as we learned that Lauren had a severe addiction to heroin was that we didn’t really know how best to help her. Having struggled with my own addiction many years before, I knew what worked for me, but the treatment of addiction is never one size fits all. In addition, the shock of LaLa (Lauren) struggling with addiction, the way we discovered Lauren was addicted to heroin, she was left for dead on a bench outside a Dunkin Donuts (you can read the story of that day in “ Second Chance“), created a great sense of urgency for us. More accurately, it was desperation driven by fear. So, like many families we immediately had her enter a 28-day residential treatment program. Please do not misunderstand me, many residential treatment programs are excellent, some are not. Either way, a 28-day 60-day, or even 90-day program by itself is just not enough. There must always be a follow-up plan!

The important thing is First, to be sure your loved one is in the highest level of care that will keep them safe, in many instances that means alive.

Second, be sure the treatment they are receiving is working for them.

One of the greatest heartbreaks I experienced after LaLa’s passing, there were and still are many, related to her care. After receiving, not easily, Laurens medical records I discovered in her history that she had a deep-rooted fear her mom or myself would die while she was away from us. It is possible that this may have been connected to Lauren losing her grandpa at a very young age, it impacted her greatly. Because of this overwhelming fear when Lauren was away from us in residential treatments of any kind (before we realized Lauren had an addiction she was in a residential program for anorexia) her anxiety spun out of control, greatly complicating her treatment. What saddened me was that no one ever said anything about that to us. It was recorded early in her treatment, yet we never knew, no one said anything. Knowing that information would have changed many of the decisions we made regarding LaLa’s treatment.

This leads me to another important element to remember when helping our loved one overcome addiction. Be sure to involve your loved one in their treatment options. I am not sure how effectively I did this with Lauren. And sometimes the level of our loved one’s safety may require us taking severe actions to keep them alive. Being involved in his or her treatment is important because they know what works. Often our loved one does not believe they need help, so this may not apply. Below I recommend several books that can help you be effective even when that is the situation.

The three things I wish I understood better when I learned of Laurens addiction are:

I wish I understood the importance of finding the most effective form of treatment for Lauren earlier.

The sooner our loved one begins effectively overcoming their addiction the better their continued success. We did what everyone said was the best thing to do. Understanding what I know now I realize a residential program may not have been best for Lauren at that time. There is always a measure of risk involved in this which has to be constantly balanced with the safety of our loved one. A controlled treatment environment (this may include prison), may not be the best or even comfortable our loved one is alive.

I wish I had understood the stages of change:

1. Precontemplation/ Not Thinking about Change In this stage, the idea of changing a behavior is not on the table. The problem has not yet been defined and, though there may be some minimal awareness of the drawbacks of the behavior, there is no intention to change. Why is having no intention of changing considered a part of change? Because the very beginnings of ambivalence can emerge in this stage and ambivalence is an important element in the change process. How you respond to someone in this stage of change can influence where they go from here. Most important, at this stage, a head-on, straightforward discussion about the need to change is going to fall on deaf or muffled ears. Persuading or arguing in this stage will tend to provoke defensiveness. Not arguing for change doesn’t mean idly standing by. Remember, you can help even if your loved one doesn’t think he wants to change.
2. Contemplation/ Getting Ready, In this stage, a person recognizes the negative impacts of her behavior, while typically also feeling pronounced ambivalence about taking any action. As she adds up the positive and negative consequences of the behavior day to day, she may be aware that there is a problem and feel equally overwhelmed by the prospect of doing something about it. It can be helpful to people in this stage to feel supported in examining the costs and benefits of change, openly and without the need to defend either side.
3. Preparation/ Readiness, At this stage, a person is preparing to make imminent changes based on her evaluation of the impact of the behavior in her life. She may not yet have fully determined how to accomplish these changes, or exactly what her goals are going to be, but she is considering a plan of action. In the preparation stage, someone may, for example, plan to join a support group but may not have decided which group is right for her. It can be useful as a helper to the person in this stage to identify possible other ways of coping and behaving and to encourage positive expectations. For the person looking for a support group, you might do some research on local options.
4. Action, When a person reaches this stage, she is ready to undertake change and begin to do things differently. Action takes time, effort, and strategy. It is important in the Action stage to have a sense that you are on a path you feel good about. Helpers can facilitate this stage by acknowledging the effort and actively supporting their loved one’s efforts. You might offer to make dinner if it makes it easier for her to get to a support group after work, and make a point of communicating that you feel good about this new path too.
5. Maintenance, In the maintenance stage, a person works to prevent a return to old behaviors and continue the gains of the action phase. Dedication, effort, time, and energy are still required. During this period, you can help troubleshoot when obstacles come up and work with her to reassess the costs and benefits of change as she goes. For long-term maintenance of any new behavior, the benefits must outweigh the costs. In other words, the person doing the changing must begin to like her new life at least as much as her old one. Foote, Jeffrey; Wilkens, Carrie; Kosanke, Nicole; Higgs, Stephanie. Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change (p. 72). Scribner. Kindle Edition.

Understanding these stages of change helps us to understand the actions and behaviors that may be happening. This, in turn, keeps us calm and levelheaded which only benefits our relationships with our loved one.

I wish I knew that how I was communicating with Lauren had a great impact on her recovery.

The people around an addicted person and “How” they interact with their loved one has a huge influence on their recovery and treatment. Two excellent resources for this are “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change” by Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkens, and Nicole Kosanke. It is a necessary read for anyone loving someone fighting addiction. Another book I highly recommend is “Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening” by Dr. Robert Meyer. The tools in this book are effective for alcohol or drug addiction.

If you want to get a broad understanding of the variety of treatment a very informative book is “Inside Rehab” written by Anne Fletcher. You can also read these four posts:

“If Anything Can Work This Might”                                      “Starving for Knowledge”

“Inside the Brain of Your Addicted Loved One”                  “An Unexpected Solution”

This weeks featured image is called “Turnkey Symphony” by Brooke Shaden. There are several keys that will help our loved ones unlock the journey to wellness and recovery. You and I play a huge part in that happening