Never Hold Back in Love
February 21, 2020
Yesterday was our daughter Lauren’s 25th Birthday. This is the 3rd birthday we have celebrated with her in heaven. That last sentence is something that brings all of us: my wife, Evan and myself, lots of comfort and encouragement. I deeply long for the day that I will see LaLa (Lauren) again when I do my plan is to whisper in her ear “I missed you so much LaLa”. LaLa was Lauren’s favorite nick-name and I wish I used it as often as I could have while she was here with us. I had what I felt were good reasons, but honestly, they just don’t matter now, it simply made her happy to hear that name and I wish I had taken advantage of more chances to make life happier for her. Although 2 years, 7 months and 24 days have passed since Lauren died in the place she was most loved, our home, the past month has not been the easiest for us. Holidays, her pending birthday and the mere fact that each day is different as you try to navigate the loss of someone you love deeply. Part of that might also be that this birthday is a milestone, 25 years. I am happy we are able to enjoy this big day in our son, LaLa’s twin brother’s life. We are super proud of him and who he is as a young man. And, I know we would have felt the same about Lauren.
Another part of my feeling this way is that my wife took a very important step in our healing.
She completely redecorated LaLa’s room. One night as she was putting the finishing touches on the room we looked and realized nothing was the same anymore. At the same time, we were sure that Lauren would have been very pleased with the changes, we were very happy about that, and as sometimes happens we then held each other very tightly as we cried. We know that yet another, important, chapter in our journey in a changed world has closed. It is necessary and it was very hard! When we think even to this day, of the loss of our daughter Lauren, disbelief is still the most common response. Everything within me would do anything I could to have my daughter back, except one, that would pull her back to the pain and suffering she experienced due to anxiety, anorexia, and addiction. Shortly after Lauren died on July 6th, 2017 I read a book written by George McGovern, the title is “Terry”. It is the story of his daughter Terry’s long struggle with alcoholism that ended with her death on a cold winter night face in the ground, alone. Senator McGovern says two things in that book that are important, powerful and sobering. The first has to do with decisions he and his wife made regarding their interaction with Terry.
“Eleanor and I took off for the University of Innsbruck, Austria, where I was a guest lecturer for the next six weeks. Terry returned to Madison with her daughters. We had very little contact with her during the summer and early fall. Indeed, we had decided—with the encouragement of a counselor—that it might be best for both Terry and for us not to be deeply involved for a time. There has not been a day since Terry’s death that I have not anguished over our decision. I regret every phone call not made, every letter not written, every missed opportunity to be with her and to share her pain.” McGovern, George. Terry:: My Daughter’s Life-and-Death Struggle with Alcoholism (p. 9). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
The other quote is so true: “Alcoholics and Drug addicts are hard to live with, but they are much harder to live without.”
Perhaps you are battling an addiction now. Don’t be so hard on the people around you that are trying to love you. They care, but they simply do not know how to handle watching you in pain. Keep in mind too, that if they lose you it will be devastating. Or, maybe you are at your wit’s end trying to help your loved one get well. It’s frustrating, painful, thankless, and complicated, but be grateful they are still there. This means you have one more chance to let them know that in spite of the chaos, pain, and constant upheaval, you love them, and you want to help. That’s why I wish I had called Lauren “LaLa” one more time.
This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden called “Retention”. It is an image she created about ten years ago as she started her meteoric rise to an iconic presence in the Art photography world. In her post about the image, she explains how she struggled with being held back in some of the decisions she made in creating and sharing the image with the world. While retention can be a very good thing in our lives in love we should never hold back in expressing that to someone we care about. Tomorrow we may not get the chance.
You all remain in my prayers. Our journey is & always will be difficult. It’s such a feeling of detachment on so many levels. But I’ll always remember your sermon about “when we’ve done all we can do to stand…….STAND”!!!!! Blessings & love to you all.