What If This Happens?

When you stand at the end of a long battle with addiction or mental health that did not gain the outcome you hoped for there are two questions that loom large:

Why, simply trying to answer why did this happen? It’s a question that really can’t be answered in this life.

What If, this is one that crosses our minds often. What if I had done this, stopped that, made a decision differently? Would the outcome have been different? Maybe, but just as likely, maybe not?

It is an important question to ask when we love someone who is fighting an addiction, or if we are that someone.

To the right (or below) is an image of my daughter, LaLa’s, headstone. Setting that headstone was one of the hardest things I have ever done, rubbing my hand across her name made it real for me. “It had to be real, it was etched in stone”, is what I thought. Sometimes when I have the chance to speak in schools I use this image to remind all of us that we should ask the question, “What If This Happens”?

It’s a valid question, especially in the current atmosphere of fentanyl and car fentanyl-laced drugs. If we are caught up in addiction of any kind, we need to ask, “What will happen to those who love me.” I already know what you are saying: “That won’t happen to me.” I can remember hearing those exact words whispered in my ear by one of the people I loved the most in this life, my daughter Lauren.

It was a morning where during my time of preparation for the day I was overwhelmed with a deep sense that I might lose my daughter. It was crushing. As I walked upstairs to place a little note I would slip under her door every morning, I decided to check to see if she was awake. She was and invited me in. As I sat on the end of her bed I began to explain the heaviness of my heart. Soon I was speaking through tears and sobs as I said: “How will we live without you?” Moved by this Lauren sat up and hugged me tightly, it was a moment of deep connection for her and I. We held each other for a long time, both of us crying. Eventually, she whispered into my ear, “That won’t happen to me dad.” I wish with every ounce of my being that she had been able to keep that promise, and I know she tried hard to keep it, but we did lose her on July 6^th 2017.

If you are trapped in addiction you must ask “What if this happens”, how will those I love face it. The answer is not easy, they love you.

If you are trying to help someone you care about you must ask “What if this happens” often. Especially on those days when you feel you can’t go on. You’re at your wit’s end. You are facing yet one more disappointment, or you have expressed how much you love them and you know ultimately they are going to have to own the outcomes of their choices.

That is one of the challenges of helping someone with addiction from a place of respect and love, sometimes we must let them feel the outcomes of their choices. That may mean we set boundaries or reach a place where the circumstance changes. It might mean they go to prison, it might mean they move out, it might mean lots of things. But we help them know that although these events happen, we love them. Honestly, they may not believe that at the moment. You can read about how this played out in our family’s story in “Some Decisions Are Really Hard to Make”.

Can I encourage you today, whether you are still in the fight to overcome addiction, or you love someone who is, please don’t stop, please keep fighting, remember: “What If This Happens”

This week’s featured image is by Brooke Shaden, called “Protector”. Often this part of what we need to do when trying to help someone we love overcome addiction.