A Hard Fall

A few days after my daughter Lauren passed away I started reading a book entitled Terry: My Daughters Life-Long Struggle With Alcoholism . It is George McGovern’s passionate memoir of his daughter’s life as seen through the lens of her anguished and accusatory diaries, interviews with her friends and doctors, sifts through the sordid police and medical records, it’s very powerful. I was looking for answers and I was looking for hope in the darkest hour of my life. I wanted to know, “Why did my daughter hurt so much?”

Several things in the book gripped me. One was a very powerful quote, I have used a few times on this blog:

“Alcoholics and Drug addicts are hard to live with, but they are much harder to live without.”

On the first day I read that quote it drove deep into my heart, simply because it is profoundly true!

Addicts and alcoholics are hard to live with, very hard. The other day I was trying to imagine what the hardest part was. Was it the constant uncertainty? Was it the expectation of what the next “crisis” would be? Was it fear? Was it hoping that a great moment together would, out of nowhere, explode into yet another painful fight? It could be lots of things, I guess it depends on the day, but today the hardest thing I remember was the feeling I got the moment I learned that LaLa (my daughters’ favorite nickname) had a lapse. The best word I could use to explain this feeling is “disheartened”. The word means “having lost determination or confidence; dispirited.” You can read the blog post “Disheartened” to get a real-world definition of this word through the eyes of someone loving and addict or alcoholic.

It wasn’t solely about the fact that Lauren used again, that was hard, but it went much deeper than that. Part of it may have been the extreme elation we (my wife, myself and my son) felt every time she went into treatment or was doing well. In those moments there was always a feeling of “She is all fixed now”, entertaining that idea too much sets you up for a fall, a very hard fall.  Read “She’s All Better Now” to get a full perspective of what this feels like. I think the biggest part of it was knowing that she must have been deeply hurting to go back to something that caused her so much conflict.

There was an occasion when LaLa overdosed on a Wednesday at work, and the next day, Thursday, in our home. It was heartbreaking to say the least. In the ambulance at our home, she said over and over to the EMT’s “Please help me, I don’t want to do this anymore.” Why do they do it you may ask: “A New Perspective on an Old Problem” might give a little deeper insight.

One of the hardest things for Lauren was that she lost her job. She loved working, it was an anchor to normalcy and significance in her life. The outcome of these two events landed Lauren in the last detox and treatment program she would ever be in. The whole story is in “The Dangers of Being Alone”.

Like often happened with Lauren she was asked to leave this program early. When she got home she wanted desperately to work at a clothing store she had been working at off and on for several years. We couldn’t let her, that store was in the heart of her stomping crowd, we were fearful of what it might trigger for her and the level of temptation she would face. It was so hard for my wife and I because I knew working was a big positive for Lauren.

Lauren’s anorexia was always an issue when she entered any residential treatment program. The facilities would tell us they would evaluate her and determine if she was a fit for them. They always said Lauren could enter, as long as she reached certain weight goals each week. At the very first residential treatment for addiction Lauren ever went to she had a rough start, but she did eventually hit her stride and gained weight. Nevertheless, she was released early because she had been sick for a while and the staff felt her physical health was a concern. Lauren begged them to let her stay, she felt she was not ready to leave. I offered to sign a release of liability. I even mentioned the fact that she had gained the weight they wanted. In the end, nothing we said changed the decision. Lauren was asked to leave the addiction treatment facility with less than 12 days to complete.

On November 17, 2016, I picked up Lauren, brokenhearted, as I had been before, and would be again. I tried my best not to let her see that. I told Lauren how proud I was of her for trying hard. I encouraged her to build on the progress she had made. On that day, she was more than 25 days drug-free. After 25 days, much of the physical element of addiction has diminished. The body does not need the drug anymore, but the cravings are still screaming in the addict’s mind. They can go on for several years.

Lauren attended a Narcotics Anonymous meeting the night we got home. Eventually, I learned she bought heroin at that meeting. I wasn’t angry, I was deeply saddened by what could be causing so much pain in my daughter’s life.

That’s what made it so hard. My baby girl was hurting and I could not seem to figure out what would help her.

Of course, the question sometimes crosses my mind, Why Lauren? Then I am reminded of so much that I have seen others go through, families of addicts who have been fighting serious addiction for decades. The turmoil and constant upheaval in their lives is nothing short of excruciatingly painful. Homelessness, arrests, prison, and constant crisis that never seems to end marks their lives. I am grateful that LaLa and our family did not have to endure much of that. I am not sure how I would have responded to it if we had. At the same time I am often confronted with just how much I miss my daughter, repeating Senator McGovern’s words:

“Alcoholics and Drug addicts are hard to live with, but they are much harder to live without.”

Our family does have a very deep assurance and hope that Lauren (LaLa) is safe, you can read about it in “Why We Know Lauren is Safe?” Celebrate the victories your loved one in addiction achieves and continue to love them during the falls. They still need you!