Blue Sky Days

There are so many fond memories I have of our family and of course Lauren.

LaLa ( a nickname Lauren got from a cousin who could not pronounce her name) and her brother Evan always loved playing on the hill in front of our house. Lauren would usually have on her favorite denim blue baseball cap, a variety of shirts and rusty orange parachute paints, she lived in those. Often when I walk our dog Lola, a name given to her by Lauren when she decided she wanted a lap dog. She said, Dad, I want a dog I can hold in my lap. I replied, “honey, we have our dog, a beautiful soft haired wheaten terrier named Mr. Trump all because of the hair, if you want another dog you will have to save for it sweetheart,” she did! When I stand on that street in the eye of my mind I see Lauren and Evan as they spent hours upon hours riding in Evans go-cart, I smile.

About a year before we discovered Lauren was addicted to heroin, she returned home from a school she had worked extremely hard to attend. She often accomplished what she set her mind to. The school was Fashion Institute in NYC. Laurens mom and I had reservations about her going there, we felt it wasn’t the greatest environment for her but we deemed the school gets 50,000 applications a year and only accepts 2000, maybe she won’t get in, she did! In hindsight, I now believe Lauren may have left the school because of concerns about getting sucked deeper into the world of addiction in a very fearful place. Her anxiety also became completely unmanageable during that time. Upon returning home one day she asked me if I could get the go-cart running for her. With a minimal amount of effort, we did get it running for, we both were very happy. I watched her as she circled our neighborhood over and over. Each time she came by the front of our house I noticed a delightful smile beaming from her face, that was something I had not seen for a long time, it made me feel really good too. I often wonder if for just a few moments she was able to escape to a time when life was easier for her, and a lot less painful. A few days later the engine died, we tried hard but could never get it going again, I wish I had been able to do that for her, simply for the joy it brought her.

When I think of Lauren there are three stories that will always stand out to me.

The first, was when Lauren and Evan were around 5. It was a beautiful Saturday and we were on our back deck talking. Somehow the topic of bikes came up. Evan mentioned that he did not have a bike. I suggested that if he wanted one, we could certainly go check them out. Lauren had a bike, but Evan never seemed overly interested in one. He gave it some thought, and finally said “I’ll think about it dad.” A few minutes later Lauren and I walked down to ground level where the garbage pales are to throw a few things out. As we did LaLa piped up and shared how she was thinking that maybe Evan could have her bike. I was stopped cold in my tracks. I looked at Lauren with swells of pride gushing from within me as I said, “Lauren. That is so very kind of you to think of your brother that way and offer your bike, I am so proud of you.” As those words flowed over my lips I watched as a very sheepish grin drifted across LaLa’s face, looking up at me with the most innocent of eyes I had ever seen she said “Since Evan is going to have my bike dad, can we go get my new one today?” Ha ha, wise guy!

The second, was when she was in High School, it might have been her senior year. I had ridden into work with a friend. My office was right around the corner from Laurens school. She texted me and said, “Dad, I know you don’t have a car today. My car is just sitting in the parking lot. Why don’t you get a ride from Andy (my fellow worker) and you can have the car for the day in case you need it.” I replied, “Wow, what a great idea Lauren, thank you, that is nice of you.” Andy gave me a ride to get the card and when I turned the key on I saw what you see in the image below or to the left. Lauren was always very resourceful, LOL.

Some of the best memories I have of Lauren are the ones of the last several weeks of her life. Many of those revolve around what happened on Father’s Day 2017. It was a Sunday not unlike every Sunday at our house. This Sunday was Father’s Day, several weeks earlier Lauren had been mandated by the court to attend a group meeting on Sundays with one or both of her parents. Since I am a Pastor and would get out of church too late to attend the meeting so Lauren would go with her mom. When I woke up that morning I found the card shown below next to my bed.

Lauren gave me the card only 18 days before she died. In it, I believe she echoes words she could easily say to her mom or brother. I am incredibly grateful and encouraged by her card. It is a treasure I always keep near me. Today I have no idea what happened the night before or what she lied about. It’s funny when you lose someone you love deeply, a lot of the junk you thought was important fades quick. What did matter was that we, Lauren, Evan, Nereida, and me, were doing the best we could to keep our relationship working. The card helped!

After I had showered and got ready for my day, I walked into Laurens’s room, kissed her good morning, thanked her for the card, and said “Come on honey time to get ready for your program.” She replied, “No dad I want to go to church today.” Lauren had not really been attending church very much, if she did, she would often say she was sick and go to my office. I am a pastor, I wasn’t going to tell my daughter she could not go to church, besides, I felt, it sure would be nice to have my daughter in church on Father’s day. I said, “Okay sweetheart, let’s get ready for church then.” LaLa sat in the back row with her mom and brother. As I preached the message, I could not help but feel how much of this message related to my family: My son, My wife, myself, and yes my daughter. I thought, “Man, God if there was ever a message for my family this is it.” Something seemed different for Lauren, she seemed engaged and interested. From time to time I could see here leaning into her brother (he was a great source of strength for her in many ways) and saying things to him, but it was clear they were about the message, not just small talk or goofing around.

As the message was coming to an end I felt, not because of what our family was facing, I should

give people a chance to respond to what was being said by giving their lives to Christ. This is something we do in our tradition (many denominations do this in many different forms) that allows folks to respond to what God offers through the Christ, salvation. In simple terms, it means: First we “Admit” that we have sinned, we all have, it’s not possible for a human to not sin. Second, we “Believe” that God the Father sent Jesus to pay the debt of our sin. That’s what Easter is all about. Third, we “Confess” Him as Lord and Savior. That is what the verse in Romans 10:9 leads us to do “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” When we do that we are forgiven and in relationship with God, instantly.

As I did that I wondered about where my daughter was in her own relationship with God. As her dad and a Pastor, how could I not? So, I watched her as I made this offer to people in our congregation.

It is not uncommon to sometimes ask folks in our church to raise their hand in response to what I explained above. It is just an outward sign of what they have done in their hearts and minds so I can pray with them. Lauren sat quietly with head bowed, but she did not move. Understandably, my heart sank a little because I knew all my little girl was facing and wondered was she ok with You God?

As I brought that segment of the service to an end, I once again looked at Lauren. As I did, she lifted her head, looked at me, and raised her hand. When she did that tears soon streamed down my face. Knowing Lauren, and knowing that she understood what that meant, I knew she was sincere. She would never fake it, that wasn’t who she was. Her is an image of me and her from that morning.

Sometimes we do things for people we love but we do not realize how powerful they can be. Lauren did not know how much her card would mean to me 18 days later, but I am very glad she wrote it.

Do something special for someone you love this weekend. Tell them you love them, explain how much you appreciate them. Demonstrate some act of affection that reveals how much you care. It could really make some one’s day a Blue Sky Day!

This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden “Blue Sky Days”