Blindsided

“The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety. It’s connection. It’s all I can offer. It’s all that will help him in the end. If you are alone, you cannot escape addiction. If you are loved, you have a chance. For a hundred years we have been singing war songs about addicts. All along, we should have been singing love songs to them.”

The above statement is from the book “Chasing the Scream” by Johann Hari is both powerful and haunting. Haunting because it is the hardest thing to do in trying to help someone we love to overcome addiction. Powerful, because it is the single most important thing we can do in trying to help someone we love in addiction. In fact, I have come to believe that the only thing we can do for our loved ones trapped in the death spiral of addiction is build relationship, it’s “The Holy Grail”, “The Brass Ring”, “The Pot of Gold” at the end of a very dark rainbow.

Last week I presented a little insight into the value and importance of relationship. This week I would like to dig a little deeper on the subject because that matters above everything else.

The problem is it is also extremely hard to do amidst the chaos, confusion, and madness addiction brings to relationships, ALL relationships, but especially those that are trying to love someone in addiction.

This past week I heard about another family facing the struggles of addiction and disintegrating relationships. The details were heartbreaking, but sadly, common. Stuff happens, people get hurt, angry, frustrated things are said and done, that unfortunately, leave deep, deep wounds that sometimes won’t get the chance to heal. I pray that this does not happen in this case.

I remember one specific event I felt was one of the saddest days of my life. It was during yet another attempt on Laurens part at staying drug-free. I believe now, based on what I have learned since Laurens passing, that her motive in that was pure. Whatever her motive I can clearly say that going through heroin withdrawal is brutal, and when the elements of anxiety and mental health are present it becomes excruciating both physically and mentally. LaLa, Laurens’s nickname, was deep in that mode, probably for several days. She must have had an incredibly difficult night. Very early in the morning, she decided to either go get drugs or go for a ride to try to clear her head, I do not know which scenario was true, but in the moment I believed the first, today I prefer to believe the later. In the anxiousness of the moment Lauren pulled the car out of the garage before the door was completely up, you can imagine the outcome. Her doing this may have been the result of raging anxiety or it may have been that result of the reality that an addict actually begins to “feel” the dopamine trigger receptors just knowing they are going to make a connection to getting drugs. In essence, the high starts before the drugs are ever taken. Sounds crazy, but if you have been addicted you understand. I guess it’s the same feeling someone who eats to “feel” good faces when they know they are going to have their favorite snack, you folks like me, that love eating get the point.

Hearing the commotion in the garage as LaLa tried to get the car unstuck, my wife woke me up. Heading down to the garage, seeing what I saw, triggered a conversation that was heated and chaotic. Things were said and demands made on Lauren that she did follow through on. She paid for the door. What broke my heart was knowing that this was all affecting my relationship with one of the people that I loved supremely. I often referred to Lauren as “Mo Chuisle” which she was. Thankfully, LaLa and I did work toward healing in our relationship after this event, and that is the point! We must make sure we keep healing happening. It is too easy to let the passions of a moment, an event, destroy a relationship.

Its hard to love someone in addiction. Many of their actions push us away. The problem is that they are pushing away the one thing they need most, connection. We can’t allow circumstances and events let that happen.

Below are a few articles that talk about emotional connection in relationships. They focus on marriage relationships, but the principles work in all relationships.

“How to Build Emotional Connection”

“How Important is Emotional Connection in Relationships”

“Emotional Connection”

This weeks featured image is called “Blind Beginnings” by Brooke Shaden. We cannot allow ourselves to be blind to the importance of relationship in the healing of our loved ones. To do so would be the beginning of the end.