Fading

This past week was a challenging week for my wife and I. It was a time when we both missed Lauren quite a bit. That happens! As each year passes the wound of your loss begins to heal but the scar will always remain. It is interesting that for me this 3^rd year seems the hardest, that might change in the fourth. My wife feels that the 2^nd year was the hardest for her. We both believe that this happens as a result of the reality settling in hard … our beautiful daughter is gone from this world until we meet again in the next. We both long for that day!

We do our best to encourage one another during those days or weeks.

A few weeks ago I found a text Lauren had sent me. I am not sure about the date she sent it, but the night before must have been on an evening that things did not go well. Today I couldn’t really tell you what happened. Bad memories fade incredibly fast when you lose someone you love deeply. When I found the text last week I was warmed by the encouragement Lauren gave in her words. This past Tuesday I shared the text with my wife to do the same for her. I have pasted it below.

“ I’m sorry for all the times that I’ve hurt you or done something that’s caused you pain. I’m sorry for causing our family so much pain and anger if that’s even the right word. I know sometimes after fights with mom she feels like a bad parent, you and mom are both the best parents possible and I am so thankful to have you as my father. I’m sorry how I acted last night, I’m just in a really low depressing point in my life and I guess I just didn’t handle it right. I know thT sometimes it may seem like I don’t care or that I don’t appreciate all the sacrifices you and mom have made for me to have a better life and I wanted to thank you for that. and to know that I always appreciate what you do for me and Evan no matter how it may seem on the outside.” LaLa

There is no way you can know how precious those words are to me and my wife today.

I could not describe how good I felt the first time I read them. It was healing, for Lauren, and for us. The only thing I think I could give those words up for is having LaLa back well and happy. The older she got, the deeper she drifted into anxiety, anorexia, and addiction, the more her joy faded. There were lots of moments like the one in the image of Lauren, but once drugs came into the picture that all faded quickly. This image reminds me of those joyful moments. There were many. On the occasion of the image Lauren and her twin brother Evan received Bibles as they graduated Sunday School. I love her smile.

The note reminded me of things I would say to Lauren if I could, I have said them before, but it doesn’t feel like enough now.

First, I would remind her that there is nothing she could do that would change our love for her, nothing. Along with that, I would let her know we never doubted she loved us

Second, I would make sure she knew we understood that a lot of her behavior was being driven by her addiction, and her other issues. Driven by the constant SCREAM of pain feeling miserable physically and mentally yet, never even getting remotely close to “normal”. Driven by the endless nagging of the voices in her head yelling into her guilt and shame. “I screwed up again.” “I am such a loser.” “Why do I keep doing this to my family, to the people I love.” Driven by the constant rage of a mind that relentlessly refuses to be turned off. I would want her to know, we know a lot of it is not you sweetheart.

Third, I would tell her how proud I was of her when she seized a victory, no matter how small. Made a right choice especially when it was hard or took a positive move forward toward wellness and recovery.

Fourth, I would let her know whether she recovered or not, she would always matter to us. She still does.

As I already said: No matter how many times you may have said this to someone you love stuck in the downward spiral of addiction, once their light fades, you will always hope you got to say it once more.

Keep fighting for the one you love!

This weeks featured image is a portrait of Brook Shaden by photographer Sarah Allegra. It is called “Fading Girl”