Unfinished

It is always interesting to me how small things in life can stand out. Tiny events, special moments and just little snippets of life that seize your heart and your mind!

Since my daughter, Lauren, passed away three-plus years ago I often catch myself noticing parents when they are with their children, especially if it is a child that in some way reminds of LaLa. LaLa was Laurens favorite nickname. I often notice how they are engaging with one another. I wonder what they are talking about. I smile when their child does or says the same cute things my children did when they were growing up.

Many times these observed moments remind me about all the great times I have been able to enjoy with Lauren, which were many. At the same time, they hurt.

I find more times when I think of Lauren, I focus on when she was younger. That is not to say we did not have awesome times when she was older. In fact I can think of one that is explained in the post “A Day I Won’t Ever Forget“. The event I mention was right after we discovered Laurens addiction to heroin. Maybe memories drift to when Lauren was younger because the events of the last couple of years of LaLa’s life were very challenging for our family.

If I am honest, sometimes I am just angry. Angry at Lauren for ever using heroin. Angry at myself, but mostly, just angry. It happens!

On a recent evening when my wife, son, and I were hanging out in our dining room/kitchen area. For our family that part of the house seemed to become our hub of activity. Over the years we did homework there, played lots of board games, enjoyed meals and snacks, and even had some challenging discussions. On this night, Evan, our son, was playing some music and we were just enjoying light and lively conversation. Everyone was happy.  A song came on that really grabbed my attention. Not because of any special attachment to the message of the song but because of a line that stood out to me.

An artist by the name of Alec Benjamin was singing a song entitled “The Book of You and I”. One line caught my attention, “There were so many chapters that we never got to write.” When I heard that I was instantly reminded of one of the biggest reasons I grieve the loss of my little girl and, I guess why I some times feel angry. It’s the chapters I will never get to write! “Would she have become a Doctor like she always wanted to be?” Would she have found a man that deeply loved her, accepted her flaws and treated her the way every dad wants his daughter to be treated?” I hope she would have. “What would her children have looked like?” “How many times would I have been able to hold her and laugh with her over nothing?” “How would she have been as she watched her dad, her hero, grow old?” I will never know, those chapters won’t be written now.

Another line in the song  “Don’t tell me that it’s over the book of you and I.” reminds me that , thankfully, because of LaLa’s faith, the book is not finished for us, there are only several chapters missing. “Why We Know Lauren Is Safe“ tells the full story of all God did in the last weeks of Laurens life.

We are grateful for this hope, but it doesn’t erase the last line from this song that resonated with me that evening;  “I’ll forever wonder why we never got to finish the book of you and I.” When those moments hit I quietly whisper “Ahhhh Lauren, why did you ever start that stuff?” There is no answer for now.

There is one chapter I wish we had been able to write for LaLa and our family. It was an opportunity to use a non-confrontational intervention approach effective at helping our loved one who may be fighting an addiction or a mental health issue called CRAFT. I never learned about it until after LaLa died.

C.R.A.F.T. stands for Community Reinforcement and Family Training, it was developed by Dr. Robert J. Meyers. As I mentioned C.R.A.F.T. is an evidence-based, non-confrontational approach that can be used by concerned significant others (CSOs) to assure their well-being (we cannot help our loved one unless we are well first) and second, to promote help-seeking for the person we love who may be experiencing alcohol or other drug-related problems.

C.R.A.F.T. was developed by Dr. Robert Meyers based on his work with CRA (Community Reinforcement Approach), and MI (Motivational interviewing) many years ago.

Several significant studies have revealed that CRAFT is highly effective. Here are some of the facts that have been revealed: 1) Two-thirds of people using substances who had been initially resistant to treatment agreed to go to treatment. 2) Most spouses and parents participating in the studies reported being happier, less depressed, less angry, and having more family cohesion and less family conflict than prior to their CRAFT sessions, whether or not their loved one engaged in treatment.

CRAFT’s effectiveness in engaging substance users and improving family functioning is found across substance types, relationship types, and ethnicities.

CRAFT treats the problems families face as a deficit of skills rather than as a disease of codependence. These skills can be learned. Second, CRAFT recognizes that “just stopping” is not a sustainable long-term solution.

CRAFT asks you to see what makes substance use rewarding to your loved one so that you can introduce the “competition”— more constructive activities that serve the same needs— into his or her world. To this end, CRAFT might feel strange at first but it is very powerful.

A group I work with in my town called OASIS – Oxford Addictive Substance Information Services is hosting a FREE 8 Hour Introduction to CRAFT completely online. A flyer is below. The workshop/class is interactive so we recommend you have audio on, but you can turn off your video if you like for anonymity. In the workshop we will be using Dr. Meyers book Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening by Dr. Robert Meyers.  The book is included in your FREE registration. Our presenter is Rob Bibianni. The workshop/class will be held October 4^th 2020 12:30PM to 5:30PM and October 8^th 5:30PM to 8:30 PM.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO REGISTER FOR THIS FULLY REMOTE WORKSHOP PLEASE FOLLOW THIS LINK   https://tinyurl.com/oasis-craft  . Seating is limited to 20 spots, although you may have more than one person at your site.

If you know someone that can benefit from this class/workshop please forward them this information. Don’t miss any of the important chapters of your book.

This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden, I do not know the title.