Turn Back Time

A few days ago I ran across one of those Facebook memes. This one offered three choices: Traveling to another universe, going back to a point in time, and, honestly, I do not remember the last option because I had already made my choice. It would be cool to visit another universe, but honestly, I would trade anything else to go back in time, without question. To where, lots of points?

The day my kids were born would be one. The first time I heard their voice another. I would go back to the vacation we enjoyed at Busch Gardens, Williamsburg, and Washington DC when they were in 5^th grade. On that trip, I was surprised by their excitement as we headed into DC and the iconic buildings that represent America came into view. And, of course, I would go back to many moments I had with Lauren.

I wish I could go back to when the hurt started for her. Addiction, Anxiety, and Anorexia are very often responses to pain or hurt, and the many ways it is caused in people’s lives. I look and look but can’t ever seem to find the rock that can be turned over to reveal that moment when all LaLa’s pain started. As often is the case, that’s because it probably isn’t one thing but a series of, many times, smaller events, some of those I can see now.

I would definitely go back to the hand full of times that we got to go to Starbucks when she was probably not supposed to be off-campus. The smile on her face in this picture says it

all for me. I would go back to an early morning conversation during the last year of her life when she shared some of the events that she felt were significant to her becoming anorexic and ultimately addicted. She talked, I listened, her words were very inciteful. Although painful for me and more so for her, we felt very connected at that moment. I saw her sharing this as a point when Lauren was beginning to move out of the dark abyss of addiction. I sure wish I had figured out a way to move her along faster! “Addiction is an Attempt at Self Repair That Fails” talks about that.

I would go back to the many days I watched Lauren and her twin Evan playing together and laughing, especially when they were riding Evans go-cart. I would go back to the day her mom and I left her at college feeling comforted that she had chosen to go to school where her big brother was, he balanced her. That was not an easy experience for LaLa, I would love to go back and see what would have happened if I had handled the pain of that moment differently, but I can’t, and getting lost in overthinking it isn’t healthy.

A moment I always think of whenever the thought hits me of getting to do things differently is something that happened the evening before Lauren had passed away.

That night we had become suspicious that Lauren may have used, she said she had not. Lauren and I were talking about it. I reminded her that a few weeks earlier LaLa, her mom, and I talked about the fact that she, Lauren, would be the one determining how things would go in her recovery and our relationship. We reiterated, that no matter what, we loved her, and were committed to her health and well-being. We had also told her that we were going to take the things she said to us at face value, even if there was doubt. That was fearful, but Lauren I believe felt respected in it.

As Lauren walked away from our conversation, I saw the weight of guilt and shame crushing her. I could feel the heaviness of that weight in her demeanor and posture as she walked back to her room. If I could go back to that moment, I would have called her back to me, wrapped my arms around her frail body making sure to hold her as tight as I could and whisper “I Love You honey, ALWAYS”. Would it have changed the outcome, probably not, but it would have been one more chance to let LaLa know how very deeply she was loved, and I think that would have made her happy.

We can’t go back, no matter how many memes we put up, or wish we could.

We can look forward, rather we must, and if that future is touched by love, even in the face of brokenness and dysfunction, it will be brighter.

This weeks image is by Brooke Shaden, “Heavy Hands”