Broken Relationship

Within the name of this weeks post is perhaps the single most important word in the fight to influence your loved one toward overcoming a severe addiction or navigate a chronic mental health issue, “relationship”.

Whenever I think of the sad day my daughter stepped from this life to the next there are a few things that often stand out. One particular thing is something I always wish had happened, beyond, of course, her not overdosing. Gosh, how I have come to hate that word. I would not say it is a regret, but I just wish I remembered to do it, I never texted her that day. Lauren and I texted a lot throughout every day. In fact, I was one of the most frequent people she texted, I am sure her mom and brother garnered that honor too, and may well have ranked higher than me, LOL. It was not because I was upset or angry with her, my day just got away from me, that happens to all of us. Like the post “A Moment I Missed” explains I did go in and kiss her goodnight the night before she passed away. I did stop in to leave her a note I left her every morning, and I know she read that note because it was on her bed, perhaps one of the last places she sat. The post “The Best Thing I Ever Did for My Daughter” explains why I left those notes every day. On the morning I mention, I could see that LaLa had a very rough night and I did not want to wake her. Unfortunately, that happened often for Lauren, she did not sleep well. In hindsight, I just wish I had remembered in the middle of a hectic day to connect with her as I always did.

In his book “SOBER: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening” Dr. Robert Meyers recounts the story of a mom that had been working to influence her son toward recovery, and at the same time, keeping herself sane through the application of the C.R.A.F.T. approach. To learn more about C.R.A.F.T. read this post “An Unexpected Solution”. Below is an exert from the book:

“When a middle-aged mother came in for help to get her eighteen-year-old son into treatment for marijuana abuse, she sobbed as she described him. He was a typical rebellious teenager—stubborn, disobedient, and irreverent. His mother had pleaded with him for years to go to therapy but he repeatedly refused. As far as he was concerned, he did not have a problem; the only problem he saw was his mother’s nagging. After the mother learned how to map out her behavior and its impact on him (this is explained in chapter 2 in the book mentioned above), things started to change. She stopped nagging, pleading, and threatening and changed the way she responded to him to minimize the friction between them. She also learned how to “reward” him for desirable behaviors (like not being high) in a nonconfrontational manner so that their life underwent a metamorphosis from arguments and hurt feelings to relative calm and the reemergence of mutual respect. Mom found that her personal stress levels decreased dramatically—she was able to sleep again, stopped relying on antacids to keep her stomach calm, and returned to the enjoyable activities she had dropped when her son’s behavior grabbed all her energy. Most exciting for Mom, however, was when the young man showed up at our clinic for help. When we asked him why he chose to come to treatment at this time, he said, “I guess I just felt like I owed it to my mom. She has been treating me so nice I decided to give it a try.”  Emphasis my own.

This one paragraph tells us a lot about “how” we can improve the relationship with our loved one, which may encourage our loved one toward recovery. The CRAFT method described in the book “SOBER: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening”   has produced a success rate of over 70% in encouraging people resistant to receiving treatment to getting help in two major studies.

First, it lets me know I need to be “Intentional” about improving the relationship. Maybe it is through texting or leaving little notes and outward actions. The point is we must apply focus, effort, and action. Speaking of the day I mentioned above, I forgot, that is human. Intentionality helps me remember.

Another ACTION I can take comes out of the research of a well-known relational expert named Dr. John Gottman. Most of his work is in the marital relationship realm, but he does do work in addiction as well. What Dr. Gottman’s research reveals about the break-down of relationships is this: There are only three reasons relationships break down, I think you don’t like me, I think you don’t love me, OR I think you don’t respect me. That’s it! I can hear you now, “Come on, that’s it, can’t you give me more than this kumbaya, mushy, sensitivity stuff?” The statement I made above is really not about kumbaya, sensitivity, or even emotion, it is about intentionality and the ways humans respond in interaction with one another.

Think of any relationship you like that is not in the best place. Reflect on the behaviors and interactions you and the other person use in that relationship. Then ask “What do they generate in me, and maybe them?” Those feelings will most times be able to be boiled down to one of the three things I just said, and if even one of these feelings is present in any relationship, that relationship is in decline.

How can I apply this? The best way to start this is to continually ask myself “How can I respond to what is happening, or being talked about, not avoiding the issues that need to be dealt with, but showing my loved one that I like, love, and respect them. Even when I do not agree with them?”

That will take work and effort which can be challenging in environments where there is lots of tension. The other thing that often holds people back in this is the feeling that “They are not doing that with me, I don’t feel liked, loved and respected.” That may be true, but remember the story of the mother and son from Dr. Meyers book, when she started doing this she benefited a great deal, in spite of her sons negative actions. Over time her actions changed him, probably because she was changed. Just a side note, this will help your marriage a great deal too.

It is a very simple principle that applied well can produce huge improvement in relationships. This matters, because right now the relationship is probably under a heavyweight of stress. You can change that.

This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden, I do not know the title of the image but looking at it causes me to feel a sense of brokenness.