Many Days I Never Expected

When someone you love is overcoming an addiction there are lots of “Days You Never Expected!”

Some of those are negative and sadly painful, others are highly welcome,  good things that because of the norm of chaos around addiction or mental health are a welcome surprise.

I have had many of those with Lauren, as has her mom and twin brother. Unexpected joys in the middle of a crisis. I can think of the early morning that I was leaving for work and she shared how she felt she ended up addicted to heroin. It was helpful and healing for both of us. I cherish the painful day we dropped her off at her last rehab. It was not an easy day, and LaLa was doing everything she could to avoid the inevitable. As we all were saying goodbye, I was the last to hug Lauren. We held each other very tightly as we wept with great heaves of pain. It seemed like a long, long time, and to this day when I think of it I can feel the overflowing love of that moment. It’s comforting!

The last Fathers day I got to spend with Lauren was equally surprising and welcoming. The weekend did not go the best. There was strife over the regular tensions that develop in relationships with someone in addiction. Lauren, was ornery, and I probably did not react as my best self. When I awoke the next morning there was a very special card on my nightstand. You can read all about that here. As I was getting ready for church, I am a pastor, something wonderful happened. I went into Laurens room to thank her for the card and remind her that she had to get up to be at a court-mandated family program with her mom. She quickly replied, “No Dad I want to go to church”. It was a great Father’s day gift because Lauren resisted going to church, and honestly, we no longer felt it was helping to constantly fight her over it. Once at church she was different than the times before when she did come to church. She was engaged. I could see she was listening to what was being said, and to my great surprise, she did something that was a great turning point for her. That same action is what gives her brother, mom, and myself the hope that we have of being with her again. If you would like you can read the whole story take a look at  “The Reason We Know Lauren Is Safe.”

Last week I learned something I never expected that could be helpful whether you are fighting toward recovery and wellness or you are trying to support someone that is because you care.

In his book “Addiction and Virtue” Kent Dunnington highlights the long-forgotten element of addiction, habit. The book is an excellent read but not an easy one. It is well worth the effort. Here are two very helpful videos of Kent talking about the importance of understanding addiction and habit The Perilous Gift – Part 1 and The Perilous Gift – Part 2 . Habit is in many ways our brain on autopilot.

The good and powerful news is this, habits can be changed, but not automatically. I was surprised to learn that over ninety percent of our thinking is done on autopilot. Our brain is so sophisticated and powerful that it takes most of the things we do in life, driving, interacting with others, using drugs, all of it, and offloads it to the part of our brain that runs the autopilot system. This has a lot to do with an area of our brain called the amygdala, a small almond-shaped piece of our brain that runs the fight or flight response, emotions, and other systems. This short video of Dr. Lisa Penney describes in detail what I am talking about “Lisa Penney: Don’t believe everything you think | Lisa Penney | TEDxUSFSM | TED Talk”. What she describes I believe may be a contributing factor, there are others, of course, to help people overcome an addiction, and more effectively manage other issues we would like to change.

The key though is to get your brain, fully, back online. To understand this, you should watch the 12-minute video. Once we can get our brain off of autopilot we can muster the resources that will REWIRE our brain for new habits.

Dr. Penney’s suggestion is to be AWARE, aware of how your body and mind work. BREATH, the simple act of breathing is the “jump-start” that reboots the Frontal Cortex, the logic area of your brain, and BE CURIOUS, once here you can ask yourself important questions like: “Is this going to get me where I want to go?” “Is what I am thinking even true?” “Is the fallout worth it if everything goes south, as it often does?”

This one technique can give someone fighting addiction an edge over the experience everyone who has fought an addiction knows. Once you cross a certain point or line in your brain to use or buy or make the connection you actually begin to feel the effects of your drug of choice before it ever enters your system. That’s your brain on autopilot. You can disengage!

This weeks image is by Brooke Shaden, I do not know the title. You should also check out Brooke’s new book “REFLECTION: Inspiration of Self”

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