Facing the Terror

When my daughter was very little, she often experienced night terrors. Night terrors are episodes of intense screaming, crying, thrashing, or fear during sleep that happen again and again, usually in children ages 3 to 12. New cases peak at age 3 1/2. Night terrors happen during non-REM sleep, usually about 90 minutes after a child falls asleep. Also known as sleep terrors, they can be a little frightening for parents. It is often best to let them play out while being sure the child is safe. When these would happen Laurens’s mom or I would eventually just hold her as close as we could while her heart rate would come down, her body would stop trembling and her fear would quietly ebb from deep within her.

In some ways that is what we are doing when we are loving someone in addiction or a mental health crisis, “Letting things play out while doing all we possibly can to keep them safe.” And, in many ways what I mention above was what her mom, her brother, and I did, hold her as close as we could while the fear and pain ebb out from within. Sadly, we couldn’t, we ran out of time.

There are lots of reasons for that, most of them not really having anything to do with me, Evan or Nereida. Unfortunately, it is a clear reminder of just how dangerous addiction, especially in the world of fentanyl and carfentanil, and mental health issues can be. It is serious business!

Because of that we must remind people constantly that recovery and wellness is possible, and it happens all the time!

Three things to keep in mind are:

One, treatment works, in fact almost all of them work, you need to help your loved one find the method or approach that works for them. While the “Live LOUD” movement focuses on opioid addiction, the principles and practices are helpful regardless of the specific substance.

Two, understand that most of the time they are not doing this to you. It is easy to feel this way and often with good reason. Lauren (LaLa) once said to me when she was expressing her frustration with people that assume a certain perspective when they found out she was addicted to heroin. Speaking of the addicted sha said: “Dad, most of these people are not bad people they are just caught up in all this stuff.” It is true!

Three, there may be other issues: anxiety, depression, pain driving the addiction. If we can help our loved one with that it will have an impact on the addiction/coping tool. Gabor Mate says it this way “I’m not going to ask you what you were addicted to,” I often say to people, “nor when, nor for how long. Only, whatever your addictive focus, what did it offer you? What did you like about it? What, in the short term, did it give you that you craved or liked so much?” And universally, the answers are: “It helped me escape emotional pain… helped me deal with stress… gave me peace of mind… a sense of connection with others… a sense of control.” Such answers illuminate that the addiction is neither a choice nor a disease but originates in a human being’s desperate attempt to solve a problem: the problem of emotional pain, of overwhelming stress, of lost connection, of loss of control, of a deep discomfort with the self. In short, it is a forlorn attempt to solve the problem of human pain. Hence my mantra: “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.””

There is hope toward recovery and wellness. Where ever you are now, you can BEGIN AGAIN!

If you live in the Oxford, CT area there is an event to encourage those who have lost loved ones to addiction and remind those standing against addiction there is Hope.

Todays featured image is by Brooke Shaden called “Begin Again”