Leave Me Alone

One of the things those facing addiction or for that matter, a mental health issue is to isolate. There are lots of reasons why too many to mention here. Regarding addiction sometimes that isolation is driven by, not wanting to put up with the BS that gets in the way of me using my drug of choice. By the way that does not always have to be a chemical, it can be an action or behavior. We do not always think of that because, most of the time, actions and behaviors do not carry the risks of using drugs in the era of fentanyl. Of course, there are some actions and behaviors that are equally as risky.

The other reason is ironic but frankly heartbreaking. The addicted individual is getting every natural human need for connection met from the addictive object, chemical or not. So, connection with humans is literally off of their radar, they don’t need it. But the truth is they need it more than anything. What they need is a friend that will be a friend whether they mess up or not. I know even as I write that, if you are loving someone consumed in addiction, you have said the title of today’s post too. “Leave me alone”, it’s okay, it’s normal, amidst the confusion and fray of living life with someone fighting addiction or mental health we all need downtime.

A very close friend of mine who spent a large part of his life impacted by a severe heroin addiction said to me, the one time I used heroin in my life, “It is going to be a feeling like nothing else you have ever experienced”. Others have said “It was as if I was completely wrapped in a warm blanket, and I had found my best friend ever.” Fortunately, for me, my friend was wrong.

What that means is if I am the one who wants to help someone, I care about navigate a mental health issue or overcome an addiction, they are going to resist the thing they need the most.

This doesn’t mean I am enabling them, or not letting them feel the outcomes of their choices (trust me they are). It means they know that my connection to them is not based on performance. Give that some thought, imagine what you would feel like if every relationship around you was based on how you performed?

At the same time, it does not mean that you should feel guilty when you need time to disengage. You will never go the distance of helping your loved one if you do not experience moments to recover yourself.

For us, that would often happen when Lauren was in residential treatment. We knew we had 28 days where we knew she was not at risk of overdosing and could breathe ourselves. We later discovered that residential programs were not the best for LaLa, but the truth is a few times she needed to be there to stay alive. The article “Starving for Knowledge” explains why this was happening for Lauren.

These two books by Johann Hari explain why this idea of connecting matters so much

The point is the person you love needs you more they anything else they may be doing regarding recovery. At the same time, they are going to fight hard to resist the very thing that will help them the most. If you need to take a break, by all means, take it. Then get back in the fight.

Todays image is by Brooke Shaden, I do not know what the title is. I especially want to thank Brooke for the difference her work makes in our world and the chance to use her images on this site.