I Know You Want to Hide But Please Don’t
February 18, 2022
Just the other day I received one of those FaceBook memory reminders. It had Lauren’s name on it so I always open those. The image was this picture. It had been taken while we were at a pool relaxing. It was her second year in college we must have been dropping her off after a break. I do love the image, Lauren had a very good eye for photography as does my son. There are some photographers who
have very creative minds and innovate through their work. There are others who are very technical, and can “see” an image and duplicate it. The latter was me, the former is my son and daughter, I admire that in them.
Things are not what they often seem
I really meant what I said in the FaceBook share, I felt Lauren had a very creative mind and I felt she had a pretty good life. I was wrong on the second thought. That’s another heart-wrenching question that we ask when someone we love gets lost in the hurricane of addiction. “How could I have missed this?” It is most times impossible to answer but that doesn’t stop us from asking.
It is likely, based on what I now know, that Lauren was back to using heroin at the time this image was created. She was in a lot of pain and just did not know what to do. Later I learned that her hope was that college, away from all the old pulls of addiction, would be a place for a fresh start. It was for a while, “Brighter Days” tells the whole story.
Another question we should not ask
I work a lot with people who love someone in addiction and on a community-wide level to try to prevent families from ending up where we did. The other day I was planning with a young person who has successfully navigated alcoholism for 6 years. They will be speaking at one of the events my town’s LPC (Local Prevention Counsel), OASIS, will be hosting for Middle-Schoolers heading into High School. We discovered that our families knew each other several years back.
Hearing how well they were doing I was excited for this person and their family; they were happy and happy to help others. When we completed our conversation I hung up the phone, instantly a wave of emotion crushed me as, through tears, the words spilled out of my heart , “Why couldn’t that happen for Lauren”? It wasn’t out of resentment or jealousy. It was out of a deep sense of loss, my loss!
I am a person of faith. As such, I filter all that happens in my life through my faith. I do not lean toward the idea that God wanted my daughter in heaven, so she died. Lauren made some bad choices and decisions that had a very high cost, for all of us. I do believe God did some really great things to assure that Lauren would be in heaven after all this happened, and we would see her again. Even further than that I also believe that if we let Him, God can bring benefit out of even the darkest moments in our lives. That’s what my family and I are trying to do, let God squeeze some good out of this very heartbreaking, senseless experience. If that happens I will applaud it, but still, I will never say “It was good that my daughter overdosed and died”. No, it wasn’t! “Why We Know Lauren is Safe” tells all that God did in Lauren’s life.
It’s dangerous to hide
A thing that played against Lauren’s recovery success was that Lauren, like all people struggling with addiction, tried to hide. The same is true of folks facing serious mental health issues, we isolate. If I could go back and speak to Lauren I would tell her, “Please don’t hide sweetheart, we want to help, we love you. I know its risky, and you’re afraid but don’t hide” I understand why she needed to hide. I realize the pressures of the anxiety, the guilt, and shame maybe even tied to the fact that her dad was a recovered addict and a Pastor. I even understand the actual physical changes in her body and mind that made overcoming addiction a mountainous task. Something nobody ever thinks of but is even more critical when we begin using drugs young. I am not angry at her, I just wish she realized hiding was not helping her. The Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse reports that 9 out of 10 addictions begin in the teen years. They also reveal that if we can delay the start by 12 to 24 months we can dramatically minimize the risk of addiction. For parents of teens, here are two helpful articles about the impact of early drug use from the Hazelden Fundation: Part 1 Part 2 .
Don’t do it alone
This Sunday will be Laurens’s 27th birthday. We once again will celebrate it spanning two worlds. Hers, flawless, perfect with joys and pleasures I could not even fathom. My wife, my son, and I are delighted to know Lauren is not in pain now. Our world though is steeped with the dull monotonous ache of deep pain always navigating what might have been if our “Angel girl” (her mom’s favorite nickname for Lauren) was here living with us in a broken world.
When I get a few chances to speak to people facing addiction I often remind them: “We can overcome everything in life, but we will never overcome it alone.” If you are fighting addiction, mental health or, maybe both, I know you want to hide. Please don’t, it’s not helping you or those who would be heartbroken if they lost you!
This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden called “Hidden”
I read this several times. My heart breaks for you, Nereida, and Evan. I admire your honesty and courage. I KNOW you are helping more people than you can imagine by sharing your feelings and the knowledge you have gained by having to go through this most difficult circumstance in your life. I am forwarding it to Mike. Love you.