No One Reminds Me of You But Some Things Do

Not too long ago my wife and I finished a long-term marathon of the series “Blue Bloods”. We started at Season 1 Episode 1 and wrapped up with season 12 episode 20 “Silver Linings”. In the last few episodes of season 20, it is revealed that Joe, the member of the Reagan family that was killed in the line of duty, had a son he did not know about. The boy’s mother never told Joe Regan about the child. The next few episodes include storylines that tell how the Reagan family is trying to figure this news out. In the last few moments of “Sliver Linings” Erin says to her nephew Joe, “You remind me so much of your dad.”

IT’S NOT WORKING THAT WAY FOR ME

I thought of that for a few moments. Finally, I concluded that there is no one that reminds me of Lauren. I think in some regards this is appropriate, who in life could compare with a child that you were extremely close with. I am grateful that I have the same close relationship with my son Evan. On the other hand, I think the loss of my daughter Lauren has produced in me a feeling that if I get too close to someone else, I am in some way violating my deep love for LaLa. I am not, and I am working through it.

In about two weeks we will be remembering the 5-year anniversary of LaLa’s passing. I used to say “Celebrating” but there is no real celebration in it other than we know she is no longer hurting, that’s comforting. Here is the full story of why. There isn’t anyone that reminds me of Lauren and I do not think I want anyone to.

SOMETIMES HAPPY, SOMETIMES SAD

There sure are lots of things that trigger mostly fond and some painful memories of her:

Her favorite spot at our kitchen island. There were many great times of talking, laughing, and crying in that spot. Most times Lauren would be snacking on her favorite food, carrots (Car-ro-ties as she called them, Lauren loved to make up words) with salad dressing.

The spot in the driveway where I took pictures of her on her dirt bike in her riding gear. She loved trying new things. I never imagined within inches of that happy spot I would one day close the door of the van that would take her lifeless body away from us.

Every time I open my garage door my memories drift to an early morning being awakened by my wife, Lauren had backed her car out of the garage, not realizing the door was not fully open. You can imagine the

outcome. Lauren claimed she was struggling with her anxiety and wanted to go for a ride. Looking back my greatest pain is that I made it obvious I did not believe her that morning, I wish I could go back and change my response, I realize now that unintentionally I was adding to her hurt at the moment. Lauren did end up paying for all the repairs on the garage door with money she made working a photo shoot with me, and for Lauren even that day was one of happiness and excitement mixed with the pain of her relentless struggle with anxiety.

THAT WAS A DAY TO REALLY REMEMBER

One of the most predominant days that I do not have any mixed emotions about is the last Father’s day we shared together. It was a milestone day for our family. I can’t quite remember but I think Lauren asked me to take this picture with her. I am glad she did, it is the last photo I ever took with her.

That Sunday morning started in similar ways to many of our Sundays recently. I awoke to a very nice Father’s Day card. You can read the card and about that Father’s day in “Why We Chose Love”. After reading the card and getting ready for the day I knocked on Lauren’s door and reminded her that she needed to get up for a court-mandated family group. One of her parents was required to go too. Because of the overlap of our Sunday morning service time (I am a Pastor of a small New England church) my wife would go with Lauren to the group. When I said “Come on honey it’s time to get up for your group. LaLa immediately said “No dad, I want to got to church today”, it had been a long time since I heard those words from Lauren. Laurens mom and I realized we were well past gaining anything by making her go. Consquently to my ear and heart they were “sweet” words so of course, I said “Great honey.”

Lauren had come to church a few times in the last months of her life. Often when she did, she would end up getting sick, occasionally be disengaged, and hardly ever, just leave. This day was different, the message I was sharing applied to everyone in our immediate family. We all seemed to be hearing something we really needed that morning.

ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL

The sub-heading above is the name of the post that explains this moment in our lives fully. By the end of that service on Father’s day 2017 Lauren had done something very important to our family as believers and followers (as best we can and hopefully always growing) of Christ. Lala had decided to recommit her life to live the best she could following Jesus’ plan not her own.

What I did know about Lala is that she understood what that meant for her, and she would never do that just to try to appease me, her mom, or even her twin brother who she loved deeply. That just was not Lauren.

That day brought a lot of hope to our family and Lala demonstrated very real outward and inward change. Her friends noticed too, several said that she was really trying to shake off the demons of her past. I believe she was.

It is true, I have no one that reminds me of Lauren, and maybe I am not supposed to, she was that special to me as I know she was to her mom, her brother, and many friends.

I guess I just miss my daughter, especially on Fathers Day! What our family is working hard to do every day is be sure we are not neglecting what we have, while grieving what we lost: our relationships with each other, the fond although mixed emotion-packed, memories, and to life we can live now. That’s what Lala would be asking us to do.

Todays featured image is by my favorite photographer Brooke Shaden, it is entitled “The Risk of Dreaming”. There is a risk to dreaming but the alternative is far worse.