Running Away From Hope

In loving someone in addiction or a mental health crisis brings many painful moments. For those of us that care so much about the affected person, and for that person who is in the throes of the battle over an addiction or mental health issues.

There are many moments  I can think of but one, in particular, was the day after we brought LaLa to a treatment center for anorexia.

I WAS COMPLETELY CRUSHED

I stood in a parking lot as a dozen patients walked from one building to another for a family group session at Walden in Massachusetts, a residential eating disorder program. It was the first time Lauren had gone into any kind of residential treatment. I looked on in fear as my daughter ran away from us across the parking lot screaming, “I don’t belong here!” At that moment, I realized I did not understand what was happening to my daughter, and beyond that, I was powerless to stop it. I never encountered fear like that, but I had seen it in others.

THE REALM OF HUNGRY GHOSTS

That term is actually the title of a powerful and painful book by Gabor Mate. The term comes from Eastern religions to represent a being driven by intense emotional need. I believe often the emotions that impacts us the most are fear and pain. When we encounter those we very often run.

I had seen this before. What I couldn’t comprehend was that it was happening to my daughter: The first time was in an interview at a place called Renfrew. It is a highly regarded treatment facility for anorexia and co-occurring mental health issues. At the time they had an outpatient program in Stamford, CT.  The interview had not gone well. It abruptly ended when Lauren went outside for some air and ended up trying to get our car out of a very tiny parking area. In her highly anxious state, she couldn’t do it. My wife and I left the therapist and as we were entering the main lobby, a group of girls was moving from one program to another. I cannot erase the image of that group of precious souls from my mind. They all were so young. They seemed so frail. So afraid, driven by intense emotional need. One girl stood out to me.  Our eyes locked. She smiled, but I could tell it was a smile filled with uncertainty and desperation. I wept internally as I thought of her pain and the overwhelming fear that her parents, all of their parents, must have been feeling. The fear that would soon overwhelm me in that parking lot in Massachusetts.

FEAR DOESN’T DISCRIMINATE

The second time was in a place I just didn’t expect it. It was another treatment program in Fairfield, Connecticut called The Center for Discovery. I remember driving into the driveway, walking through the front door, and feeling this was a safe place. It was also an exquisite environment. The home could host 12 girls at a time in a meticulously maintained house. This landscape gives you an idea of the area it was in. As the director was giving us a tour, we met a group of girls in the state-of-the-art kitchen. They must have been getting ready to have lunch. The director had them greet us and I saw that same fear and emptiness in the faces of those precious souls. It seemed so out of place in such a welcoming environment. Fear just doesn’t discriminate and residential treatment has its own challenges that add to the battle the person may already be facing.

If you want to have a better understanding of anorexia and how it affects people there is no better documentary than “Thin” by Lauren Greenfield. I caution you, it is powerful and deeply moving. I watched it shortly before Lauren went to Walden. By the time it was finished I sat in a heap at my dining room table weeping uncontrollably for many minutes. I realized my daughter was fighting something that was enormous.

SO WE RUN

That’s why Lauren ran in that parking lot that day. She was afraid to face an unknown future. She realized the battle was overwhelming. Maybe she wasn’t sure there would be anybody there standing with her.

There always should be. We tried to be that for Lauren, support. Whenever I think of that summer of 2016 I remember it as “The Summer of Driving” because we made the almost 2.5-hour trip to Walden every Monday, Friday and for Laurens mom and Evan Wednesdays as well to support Lauren.

What LaLa, nor I didn’t expect, was the deep connection she would make with many of those “Hungry Ghosts”. You know who you are!

The best way we can help our loved ones stop running is to help them know they are not alone. If we are the ones running we need to see what Lauren did. I am running from the hope and help I need.

This week’s featured image is by Brooke Shaden entitled “Chasing Raindrops”