The Last Words I Got to Say to LaLa

WE ARE FOUR

Today marks the fourth anniversary since our family began the “We Chose Love” blog.

The blog was started on the 1-year anniversary of Lauren, our daughter, passing away on July 6^th 2017.

This past Wednesday was the 5th anniversary of Laurens passing.

Without question that was the most challenging day of my life. I left my home early in the morning having checked in on Lauren and placed a note I left her each morning at her door or on her bed. Read “The Best Thing I Ever Did for My Daughter” to understand why. She was sleeping but I could tell she hadn’t arrived at rest easily that night.

As I closed my garage door, I could not help but notice how beautiful the day was. As my day unfolded, I got focused on many of the firestorms that come up throughout any given day and did not get a chance to text Lauren. That was not usual for us, we would often text throughout the day. This day just got ahead of me, and it just didn’t happen.  Like a lot of things when you reflect on the loss of someone you love so deeply, you see things you just do not normally see in life. I wished I had talked with her that morning and asked how she was feeling. I wish I had reached out to her in a text letting her know I loved her very much and nothing would ever change that. I wish I could stop the clock at 1:45 PM so I would never get the call from my wife frantically telling me Lauren was dead at 2 PM on a gorgeous, clear blue sky July day.

By the time I got home and ran desperately up our driveway hoping to find LaLa breathing I could no longer tell if it was bright or cloudy, the world was now dark to me. As I got to the door of her room, I screamed at the EMS workers around her, “Is she alive? Is she alive? Is she alive?” She wasn’t!

Later, I realized she had read the letter I always left for her in the morning. I am glad she did. You can read it below

EVERY DAY IS DIFFERENT

I remember writing about a month after Lauren died, “Navigating the loss of someone you love deeply is like being neck-deep in thick mud. Everything slows down to a crawl.” That’s what it felt like then. Nothing moved and honestly, it did not really matter to me. I didn’t want it to move, I wanted it to go backward. Every day since that has been different. Thankfully I do believe that God, by His grace, was with me on the good and the heartbreaking days. That’s what the book of Hebrews  in verses 13:5-6 promises us “… I will never abandon you.” So we can say with confidence, “The LORD is my helper, so I will have no fear. . .” I am grateful God is always there.

Today it feels like I have a huge box that I drag behind me. It’s heavy! It has many good memories and thoughts in it. Videos and photographs that make me smile. Heartfelt notes that were written to and from LaLa. So much that allows me to see her face, and most importantly for me to hear her voice. I have a very difficult time remembering her voice, it weighs me down to feel that. There are also heavy things like guilt, wishing I did something or said something different, or having just the right word at just the right moment. Reminders of the truth, I am human, and therefore flawed. I always try to remember for myself, my wife, and my son, that Lauren loved us intensely, and she knew we loved her the same. It helps!

THE STUFF IN THE BOX KEEPS CHANGING

I remember saying to my wife at the beginning of this year that this year was the hardest for me. I suppose because it is now a reality, and the emotional shock of her loss has subsided which means I “feel” the pain more but, the promise of Hebrews will hold.

One thing that seems to come up a bit more is anger. I am angry at the fact that it happened, and it never should have. I am angry because life is sometimes painful, and many times just doesn’t make sense. In a small way, I am angry at Lauren not for the things you might think. It always shows up in an unanswered question: “Why did you ever start doing that?” Truthfully, I know the answers: pain, fear, anxiety, physiological brain change, habit, and yeah, a bit of choice. If you are a person considering a journey down the path of drug use or have started one, you should think about that question, and don’t start.

You should also remember two things my daughter said: “While doing drugs is a choice, becoming addicted is not” Even more than that “Once I started using heroin nothing else mattered anymore.” Please, please do not start using drugs, heroin, or any other drug in our fentanyl-inundated world, Please! The cost is way too high. Less than a month before Lauren died she also quoted this stat in a post on FaceBook “today one of the highest causes of death in people under the age of 50 is due to opiate overdoses.” That stat has changed, today it “IS” the number one killer of people 24 to 44.

IN LIFE YOU CAN LEARN A LOT JUST BY SHOWING UP

In the past five years, I have learned a lot about addiction.

It’s very complicated.

It can be overcome.

You will need the help of people who really care.

Your addicted loved one needs to know you care.

It gets easier the further down the road you go.

Recovery is better than whatever you think you have now.

Losing you is hard on the ones that matter. The ones that love you!

The featured image for this week is “Contained” by Brooke Shaden