You Won’t Always Be Able to Do That

I saw an interesting meme this week that got me thinking. “One of the hardest things you will ever do is grieve the loss of someone who is still alive.” Unknown

I can agree with that, it is one of the hard things to do in life. In the context I read the quote it was related to marriage. Again it’s true sometimes marriages end, people move on and we must grieve that loss, it hurts.

Me personally, I can not think of any loss I have ever had to navigate greater than the loss of my daughter Lauren. I suppose it is irrelevant to try to compare loss, we just know it hurts.

In his famous sculpture “Melancholy”, by Albert Gyorgy, portrays the void that grief leaves us with. The sculpture depicts a figure made of copper sitting on a bench slumped over, with a giant hole in the center of it. This hole represents the massive void that we all feel when we lose someone dear to us. I find it a very accurate of the grief of losing someone we love deeply. An article, “Melancholy, the emptiness that incapacitates us through grief” about the piece also reveals this “Many people feel they can relate to this piece of artwork in various ways, through grief, but also through mental illness. The void in this art can represent a multitude of emotions that we all face.”

A very sobering quote I continually reflect on is from George McGovern in the book Terry: My Daughters Life-long Struggle with Alchoholism, he said “Alcoholics and Drug addicts are hard to live with, but they are much harder to live without.”

The short article I mention above says it well “Albert Gyorgy felt intense sadness and isolation with the loss of his wife and went on to create this beautiful piece of artwork as a way to cope.”

That’s what you do, you are constantly coming up with ways to cope in a permanently changed, albeit temporary world. For our family the healthiest of these is our faith. We know that although we won’t get to see Lauren again in this world we will see her in the next. Why We Know Lauren Is Safe shares in detail what I mean. I often find a smile in remembering that for Lauren it will be less that an hour from now, for me a little bit longer. This is a play off of 1 Peter 3:8 where the Bible says “But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day.” It simply means that time is insignificant in eternity. One day Lauren, myself, LaLa’s A1 since Day1 (her favorite nickname for her twin brother) and her mom will be together forever.

The other day I happened to be speaking to a man who was in the middle of a huge life crisis. It was one of those situations where he could do certain things and he is, but the rest depended on time and even the actions/choices of others. It’s not an easy time for him or is family.

One thing he said was that his daughter, in her early 20’s, and him have drawn much closer together in the experience. As he said it I felt “WOW, I can’t do that anymore!” Not in this life anyway. The thought made me realize how very much I miss her. Thankfully I did have lots of opportunities to draw closer together, even in some very painful and challenging situations.

The saddest of those were the several times that she was in an ER for severe pain, being drug sick, or overdosing. Like all addicts, it does not take long for their names to get on the radar, not for good reasons. Some people made it a point during those times to treat my daughter at a lower level of care. Well, because this is her fault of course! Dear God, I hope everyone in the healthcare world has now educated themselves beyond that point. If you have not, perhaps a field change would be appropriate.

Often in those dark painful moments, LaLa felt very alone and isolated. At those moments I may have been upset, afraid, or discouraged but I hoped that in some small way my, her moms, or her brother staying by her side showed her “We are still here honey.” I think it did and it formed a deeper bond for all of us.

I hope the day never comes when you like myself will no longer be able to draw closer to your loved one. Do all you can now to be sure that it is still happening as often as possible because one day you will not be able to do that anymore.

Todays featured image is by Brooke Shaden, I do not know the title, it just reminds me that in life we can often get ourselves tangled up in a lot of things.