Sometimes I Just Don’t Want To
July 6, 2023
I am posting this one day earlier than normal. It has been a long time since I made a post to the blog.
Today marks the 6th year since our daughter “LaLa” passed away from a Carfentanil and Fentanyl laced Heroin overdose. It was the hard stop in this life to a long struggle for Lauren with Mental Health and Addiction, but thankfully, for us, the story is not over. You can read about that here: “Why we know LaLa is Okay”.
That day in 2017 started like many other days. As I was heading into the day I quietly opened Laurens door and placed a note I wrote her each morning to encourage her and let her know how much I loved her. They meant a lot to both of us.
Of course, I never realized that would be the last time I saw her alive, why would anyone ever think of that, but sadly, it was? Regretfully for me, for no particular reason, Lauren and I did not text during that day. We usually did every day, but the day just got away from me and as best as I could tell, as she lay asleep, she had a rough night. By somewhere between 2 and 2:30 that sunny afternoon our world went completely dark as my wife called me to tell me Lauren had passed away.
I DID NOT EXPECT THIS
Many weeks ago I was stopped cold in my tracks!
I was explaining to some friends from work that I had to head out to drop off my sister at the airport. When the words left my mouth, they came out as I need to run my “daughter” to the airport”, it got my attention! In the initial moments, I whispered “WOW, how I wish that were true.” As the seconds dripped by, I was overwhelmed with deep sadness and wept. My friends were sensitive to where I was and empathetic to my display of emotion. Why wouldn’t they be?
I TRY
It happens like that. Different days produce different waves of emotion. Sometimes it spills out. Other times I just can’t or don’t want to be strong.
Several years ago, my son played me a song that reminded him, and now me, of LaLa. I think, it also helps us navigate this world without Lauren.
The song is “Above the Clouds of Pompeii” by Bears Den, the lyrics are below.
We built our home out on the slopes
Pompeii beneath, she lay above
How she haunted our home
How she haunted our home
You were a god in my eyes
Above the clouds, above the skies
You were a god in my eyes
You were a god
You took me walking through the town
Showed me the statues underground
Said just don’t they look at peace
Sometimes I wish that was me
I was the son you always had
Tugging at your coat while you were sad
I was the son you always had
I was the son you always had
Don’t cry
Hold your head up high
She would want you to
She would want you to
Please, just don’t cry
Hold your head up high
She would want you to
She would want you to
You said stay in the car and wait
There’s just some things I have to say
Don’t you know I miss her, too
I miss her just as much as you
So my father and my son
As you end what she’s begun
You’ll lie patient by her side
With roses red come lilies white
I was too young to understand
The flowers slipping from your hands
I was too young to understand
I was too young to understand
I was too young to understand
The flowers sleeping in her hands
I was too young to understand
I was too young to understand
Don’t cry
Hold your head up high
She would want you to
She would want you to
Please, just don’t cry
Hold your head up high
She would want you to
She would want you to
And just don’t cry
Hold your head up high
She would want you to
She would want you to
Please, just don’t cry
Hold your head up high
She would want you to
She would want you to
The words in bold are words that often haunt me. I know that would be what Lauren would say to all of us. It’s what one of the memorial cards, my favorite one, from her funeral says. “Miss Me But Let Me Go”. I also know that one day I will see her and hold her again. I know that is what I am supposed to do.
Please forgive me LaLa, I know that is what you would say too, but some days I just don’t want to. Today is one of them! I Love You!
SO MUCH TO REMEMBER
One of the things I always try to do is remember my favorite moments with Lauren. There are so many.
I have so many fond memories of baking Macrons together. Watching her ride her dirt bike or the go-kart with her brother. I particularly loved her great courage and wonderful adventurous spirit.
Two stories really stand out for me: One was when she suggested to her brother that he could have her bike since he did not yet have one. A while after when we were alone I said to her: “Lauren that was so kind of you to offer Evan your bike”. Suddenly a very sheepish look came over her face and she said “Dad, since Evan will have my bike, can we go to the store today and get a new bike for me?” I still laugh every time I think of it!
The other story is more about who she was as told by her brother Evan. Evan and I had been talking and he shared how a big part of what he missed from Lauren was her ability to be totally engaged in whatever he happened to be sharing or talking about with her. He shared how although he knew she may not have cared about “what” topic or subject he was speaking about, it was overwhelmingly obvious that it mattered to her because HE MATTERED to her. He explained that no one could ever do that more effectively than LaLa. She was caring and compassionate. This was repeated over and over as girls from her High School shared over and over about how LaLa went out of her way to make them feel welcome when they were new to the school. Several people from some of her recovery programs said the same. I am very proud of her willingness and ability to do that even while facing her own serious pain.
As I mentioned above It has been a long time since I posted anything on this blog. For the time being, I am just going to post when I feel I can or need to. Not sure what that will look like moving forward.
WHAT REALLY MATTERS
The most important thing I want to say to you today is this: Whether you love someone battling an addiction or mental health issue, or you are a person facing those things, please do not give up, please keep trying while you still have the opportunity. Never stop!
Thank you to so many people who over the past six years have thought of us, prayed for and with us, and sent cards, pineapples, and wonderful stories of Lauren. It is all a part of the puzzle we call moving forward!
This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden, it is called “URGENCY”.
This made me cry,, praying for your family on this day especially 🍍🍍🙏🏻❤️ please keep my twin niece Kayla in prayers she’s going through the same and we just her twin sister Brianna from the same fentanyl 6 months ago ,, thank you for sharing your story ❤️❤️🍍🇮🇹