What You Know for Sure . . .

Mark Twain said “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. “

There is a story made famous by Stephen Covey in his epic book “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”  A man boards a quiet subway car with his children who are running around, yelling, and disrupting the other passengers. People on the train become irritated, judging the man for not controlling his kids. Finally, someone gathers the courage to confront him, saying something like, “Sir, your children are being very disruptive, can’t you control them?”.

The man’s response is revealing: He looks up with a sorrowful expression and explains that they just came from the hospital where their mother passed away a short time ago. He is clearly distraught and his children, not knowing how to process their grief, are acting out.

This story illustrates Covey’s “Seek First to Understand” principle from the 7 Habits, emphasizing that people’s outward behavior might not always reflect the true situation and that judging someone without understanding their circumstances can lead to misperceptions and unfair judgments.

There is Often Pain Behind the Behavior

Well known addiction expert, Gabor Mate suggests, “Don’t ask why the addiction, ask why the pain. To understand people’s pain, you must understand their lives.”

Mate also explains, “It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behavior.”

WOW, Good Advice! A common mistake is we do not take the time or simply do not know all the factors and details behind the actions and behaviors. It doesn’t help.

Easier Said Than Done

A movie I recently watched demonstrates how powerful this characteristic can be and how much it can damage the relationships that are most dear to us. The movie is called “The Music Never Stopped”. Based on a true story and an essay titled “The Last Hippie” by neurologist Oliver Sacks, “The Music Never Stopped” is an effectively emotional look at the power of music therapy to trigger memories lost after brain surgery or trauma. Using abundant songs from the ’60s by Bob Dylan, the Beatles and especially the Grateful Dead to bridge the generation gap between a father and son long estranged by time, the Vietnam war, and a severe medical condition.

The whole movie riffs off the fact that we tend to state our case without seeing or hearing all that is behind the actions. The impact of that can become far more severe when the person is someone we love deeply. It is an easy lesson but not so easy to do. We tend to forget there is a reason why we have two ears, two eyes, and one mouth! Our approach is often, “you’re not hearing what I am saying so let me say it louder”.

As the story unfolds you begin to see little moments of epiphanies Greg, the father, played by JK Simmons and Gabriel, the son played by Lou Taylor Pucci experience. You clearly see if they  had more of that information decades earlier they might not have ended up not seeing each other for twenty years. I wish I could say situations like this are an exception, we all know they are not, especially when addiction is present.

Please do not be too quick to think, that’s an excuse or a cop-out, I am not suggesting that beginning to understand what my loved one may be feeling, or impacted by is the only reason for addiction, Read “The Last Words I Got To Say To Lauren” to learn how complicated addiction can be. I am suggesting that seeing/hearing the heart, mind and pain of my loved one will  certainly shift me to a more effective perspective, that shift may pave the way for healing.

A Deeply Personal Point of View

There is no bigger hole or greater pain in our hearts than the loss of LaLa! Living with that, I have no capacity to imagine how dark and deep the pain would be if I did not know that Lauren died in the place on earth where she was most loved, her home. She died knowing her mom, her brother, and her dad loved her and we knew she loved us! These are the last words I ever got to say to Lauren, click the image to read it and learn more about that day in the post “The Last Words I Got To Say To Lauren.”

Please do not let another day go by without trying to understand better what may have gotten your loved one to where they are today. If you can, it may help! The post Something Went Wrong offers a glimpse into more of Laurens story and some encouragement to get started.