Why We Chose Love

Early in our experience with our daughter Lauren, we made three decisions that I believe were important, helpful and right. Decisions, that now, during our loss afford us peace.

Of course, every family must make their own choices regarding how they will face a loved one’s addiction. One thing I have learned is everyone has an opinion when someone we love suffers from addiction. The most important question is how YOU as a family will approach your loved one’s disorder.

Before we even knew that Lauren was addicted to heroin, or even struggled with anxiety and anorexia we decided, because of her deep relationship with Nereida, we would let the desire to remain a positive influence and voice in her life take precedence in our responses to her actions. Lauren was extremely close to her mom. In her own words her mom was her best friend, even during the most challenging days. Consequently, many of our choices were designed to make sure that “open door” remained open. Sometimes this was not easy, often her behavior seemed disrespectful, and downright rude. Not having the insight of what was happening in her life, we wondered what was hurting her. Many times, her response was defensive. An addicted person will often do things and respond in ways that are really defense mechanisms to mask and hide their pain and confusion. Lauren did a lot of this.

The second choice we made, was that no matter what, we were going to make sure that LaLa knew we loved her. Nothing would ever change that! Life with a person living with an addiction and mental health issue is life on a roller coaster. This was painfully revealed to me over a two-night period. One evening I had gone to bed but Nereida, Lauren and Evan where up very late, I could hear them talking. When they finally came upstairs I could hear them laughing and giggling as they did. The sound of that laughter was sweet, especially Laurens, as we did not hear her laugh that much anymore, but that night she was the real Lauren. I remember thinking, this must be a turning point, maybe it was. The next night, on the same stairway, I had to physically restrain my little girl to make her come downstairs to clean the salad she had thrown across our living room. Later, weeping, I tried to understand what was happening to us as a family. How could one night be filled with such hope and the next with such pain. The next day in conversation, and a note I left for Lauren every morning, I explained to her how much it hurt and frightened me, but that none of that changed the fact that I loved her. I am sure my wife, and son could easily recall similar moments.

The last decision we made was the toughest and came slowly. We made the decision that we could never throw Lauren out of our house. Eventually, her mom and I sat with her and shared how that nothing that would ever happen would cause us to close the door of our home to her, we just couldn’t do that. Additionally, we explained that there might come a time, when because of our expectations about drug use, “she” might decide to leave our home. We emphasized to her we did not want that, but if that was what she desired, even in that we would try to help her.

Not long ago I watched (and read) an expose about two long-term heroin users, Allie and Johnny .

I was gripped and challenged by something Johnny said towards the end of his clip. “There’s always that one person that always has hope in you, and when that last person gives up on you,” he says, before trailing off. “I don’t think that person realizes how that little bit of hope they had for you helps keep you alive.” We did our best to be that person for Lauren.

Below is an image of a Fathers Day Card Lauren gave me just two and a half weeks before she died. In it I believe she echoes words she could easily say to her mom or brother. Words that comfort us in knowing that above all, in spite of the ups and downs and even in the anger we – Nereida, Evan, myself – Loved her. We Chose Love!

In his book “Terry” George McGovern says this “I regret more than I can describe the decision Eleanor and I made under professional counsel to distance ourselves from Terry in what proved to be the last six months of her life. …..  But if I could recapture Terry’s life, I would never again distance myself from her no matter how many times I had tried and failed to help her. Better to keep trying and failing than to back away and not know what is going on. If she had died despite my best efforts and my close involvement with her life up to the end, at least she would have died with my arms around her, and she would have heard me say one more time: “I love you, Terry.” McGovern, George. Terry:: My Daughter’s Life-and-Death Struggle with Alcoholism (pp. 189-190). Random House Publishing Group. 

Lauren died with our arms around her – WE CHOSE LOVE – we hope and pray you will too!

Please be sure to check out our new area called “Stories of Hope”. There is a new post of how one family is doing in their fight to overcome addiction and mental health. If you have a similar story of someone you love and would like to encourage others please send it to us.