I never expected that

I remember the first day we visited Lauren while she was at a residential program for eating disorders in Massachusetts. It was the evening of the day of her intake. We were crammed into a small corner of the central community and communication room for people in the program.

It felt awkward and surreal. As I think about it today I still cannot put my finger on what I was feeling as I saw the deep pain of the handful of people in treatment. At best I was deeply afraid of it, because I realized that was the pain my little girl was facing. That we as a family were facing. At worst I felt we were different, we didn’t belong there – but we did.

The next morning Lauren had a melt-down as a group of residents (read more about it here) and family members were heading to a meeting in another building. She ran away from us across the parking lot screaming “I don’t belong here.” In some ways she was right, she didn’t belong there (for the moment), her addiction was totally out of control at that point, but none of us knew it. Her coming here may have been a defense mechanism on her part to avoid having to tell us about her heroin addiction. I wish she had told us, then, or one of the many times I sat with her and asked “What is hurting you honey”, but she didn’t?

She did belong there, she had a serious eating disorder and as a family this was the place we needed to be. I learned so much about myself, others and “LaLa” here.

I experienced things I never expected, surprises. One was that Lauren made connections here that where very special to her. Today in “Stories of Hope” you can read about  “A Young Man from Massachusetts”  , Danny, and how he overcame many of the demons Lauren faced. Danny, and others became very close friends with Lauren. I suppose, they could understand her and relate to her in ways that we, as much as we loved her, could not. Perhaps she was encouraged to know, she wasn’t alone, there were others that faced what she did.

Danny was the person who gave Lauren the nickname “Pineapple”. It fit, one because when she wore her hair up like the picture here of her and Danny, she looked like a pineapple, she is beautiful. Two it really represented LaLa’s heart. A pineapple symbolizes the intangible assets we so appreciate in a home: warmth, welcome, friendship and hospitality. Another young lady that attended this center shared with Laurens mom how Lauren made this frightening, difficult, and cold place a place of warmth and welcoming. That happened a lot, many girls told us how Lauren went out of her way to make them feel accepted not only at treatment centers, but at her High School too. I never expected that. One of my biggest regrets is that I let the chaos, confusion and pain that followed her anxiety, anorexia and addiction overshadow the good that was always there. It’s something I wish I had done better, forcing myself to still see the best qualities in Lauren even during the regular turmoil. Forcing ourselves to do more of the “normal” stuff people that love each other do, especially in the middle of the upheaval.

Danny must have seen that in her instantly. Perhaps that’s why he says “I knew immediately God had sent her into my life”. Danny said of Lauren “I was in such a dark place I felt like God had given up on me. LaLa made it a point to make sure that I knew God loves me & that He has such an amazing plan for me. LaLa was the type of friend who always had your back and if someone hurt me she’d always be there to side with me because she hated to see me upset or angry she made my problems her problems.” WOW, I never expected that in the midst of her darkness, Lauren would be letting the light of Christ shine into hurting hearts.

It was true, we were not alone, others were hurting like we were and getting help.

The community and love Lauren received with the residents in this 30-day program was life changing for her and us. Lauren’s mom and I are still friends with several of the great people “Pineapple” connected with at this center. We pray for them pretty much every day. I remember at that family session in the morning, another young lady handed Lauren a note. I never did learn what the note said, but I do know it inspired Lauren to stick it out, and she did. A day or two later Lauren gave me a rock she made in creative time, I keep it by my bed. Knowing Danny’s story reminds me how important this “Hope” rock was to my daughter. I also wonder, “Maybe her coming here was not just a ploy to hide her addiction. Maybe she really “hoped” being her for thirty days would give her the strength to beat heroin addiction.” Lauren was stepped down to  IOP (Intense Out Patient) two days short of the 30 days because she had exceeded her goals. We were so happy for her and proud of her hard work.

Learning what I did through this experience inspired me too. It was refreshing to know that in the middle of the hurt, pain and fear, others cared, and God was doing incredible things.

Everyday has dark clouds, every life has imperfection, but don’t let that hide the rays of hope and light that God lets shine even in darkness. Lauren was that ray of hope for many, in some places you would not normally think of. I never expected that!

There is a verse in the Bible that I have thought about many times since Lauren passed away: Psalm 139:12  “even the darkness is not dark to you;  the night is bright as the day,  for darkness is as light with you.” 

This month I am featuring the photographic work of a young man named Christian Sampson. I believe his first body of work was in honor of a close friend he had lost to mental health issues. He spent many months researching the effects of the twelve major mental health issues:

Anorexia – Schizophrenia – Bi-Polar – Addiction – Insomnia 

Depression – OCD – Autism – Panic – Terroutes – Anxiety – Paranoia

On his Facebook Collection of the images he explains “some of these are not technically classified as a “mental disorder” or “mental illness”. But I umbrellaed every image as an abnormality of the brain”. You can see the whole gallery here Christian Sampson.

I talked about these images with Lauren. I particularly did not understand the “Depression” image. Lauren looked at it and instantly said “When your depressed you feel like your drowning dad”.

Discovering these images alerted me to the magnitude of all my baby girl was fighting. I am not qualified to determine what mental health issues Lauren had. Of course, I have what her medical records tell me, but I do know that her life was impacted by characteristics of seven of the disorders Christian depicts.

Some might say they are not beautiful pictures. For others they may be hard to look at. I believe their beauty lies in their ability to show us a small measure of the pain someone we know may be facing every day. Let that someone know how very much you love them.