Looking at this image hurts . . .

In it I see so much of my daughters pain.

The past few nights I have had difficulty sleeping. I often wake around 1 AM and do not get back to sleep. Lots of things going on, drinking to much coffee and I have even heard there are spores that can trigger your adrenaline between 1 and 3 am and keep you awake. It makes for a difficult day. The effects of lack of sleep pile up very quickly

I am not sure when it started, but Lauren seemed to hardly ever sleep. Insomnia can be an effect of anxiety, anorexia and other mental health issues. It also can contribute to making those issues worse.
When Lauren was released early because of her weight, from the last residential treatment she attended the amount of medications she was prescribed was mind boggling. This was more than she had ever been prescribed before. I remember sitting at my table the night she got home, starring in disbelief at the collection of bottles. A few were over the counter, most where not. As I looked I wondered, “How are we ever going to manage this and what impact must all this be having on Lauren?” Fearful that, “if” these medications were helping Lauren, ending them abruptly could send her into a spiral toward a lapse (I prefer to use the word lapse when someone returns to using, a relapse would be a complete return to their previous level of use). I wrote out a long and detailed schedule of when to take what medications morning, midday, and evening.

Lauren hardly ever slept. This should be an early warning sign for both parents and young people, that something is happening. Chronic Insomnia is not a game. You know how you feel when your sleep is off for a few days. How must that feel after weeks, months, maybe even years of poor sleep. Christian Sampsons image helps us to “see” how it must feel. The image haunts me, in it I see the depth of pain my daughter felt.

In a previous post “The Best Thing I Ever Did for My Daughter” I explain how I started leaving Lauren notes of encouragement and a prayer every morning.

One day she asked me “Dad, do you mind slipping my notes under the door because some mornings I have just fallen asleep and when you open the door it wakes me. Then I cant get back to sleep.”

On many of those mornings, Lauren heard me stirring outside her door and asked me to come in. We would sit and talk. They were the most meaningful, intimate conversations that LaLa and I shared.

Two of these visits really stand out.

The first, was shortly after Lauren had gone to treatment for an eating disorder. It was just before we discovered that Lauren was addicted to heroin. It was a vulnerable time for her, she poured out her heart and opened up to me about why she ended up battling an eating disorder. She explained how that in middle school she felt very awkward and out of place. She believed no one liked her. She lacked confidence and worth. In her medical records she refers to a girl coming into her life she said “was not good for her.” That could have been a friendship she had in High School or it might have been a friend she met in Florida. If this relationship was in High School it may have been another contributing factor to Laurens social angnst.

Lauren was always the most petite girl in her class. She said this became “really important” to her and she “feared” that she would lose that distinction. Soon she began restricting her food intact. As she headed towards the end of Junior year and into her Senior year many of her classmates started talking about the “Senior Banquet” and fitting into their dresses. Lauren obsessed over this. Around this time Lauren announced she was now a vegetarian. We didn’t think much about it, but looking back it should have been something for us to note.

While I am not familiar with this treatment center this is a great resource on the “Signs/Effects of Anorexia”.

As Laurens senior year ended she started to again focus on another body image milestone, the “Freshman Fifteen”. She began restricting much more and her eating habits became a point of much conversation and confrontation between us. She stated that “as she went off to college and her anorexia became increasingly worse.” I felt grateful that Lauren opened up to me about something so personal. I believed it was a step forward and that it brought us closer to one another.

The second occasion I am thinking of was about a month before she passed away. I will never forget it. It was one of the closest moments I ever shared with LaLa. I had been downstairs at our table reading, praying, and writing Laurens note. This particular morning it felt as if an ominous dark cloud had settled over my heart. I was burdened with the reality that we could lose her to her addiction. It weighed on me. By this point Laurens anxiety and anorexia took a back seat to the relentless demands of her addiction. As I walked up stairs to bring my note to Lauren I purposely went into her room and sat on the end of her bed, she was awake. I began to share with her how fearful I was about losing her. I told her through streams of tears and sobs that we could not face life if we lost her. I tried my best to urge her that this had to change, it had to stop. Moved by the moment and the emotion she sat up and we held each other very tightly for a long time. We cried and sobbed, in the way people do when they face lifes most devastating moments. She whispered “That won’t happen Dad, I love you.” Neither her, or I ever imagined that it would happen.

Just two weeks before Lauren passed away, her and her mom had an almost identical moment returning from one of Laurens recovery sessions. For both her mom and I these experiences will never be forgotten.

There are early signs that a loved one may be hurting. Poor sleeping habits is one of them. We should not over react to these signs but we should pay attention to them.