I want to but I won’t
December 14, 2018
In the new movie Ben is Back, there is a scene where Ben (Lucas Hedges) and his mother, Holly (Julia Roberts) are at a cemetery. Holly says to Ben “Tell me where you would like me to bury you.” A few clips later we hear Ben whisper “I am not going to die”. Man, I wish that were always true.
This week we are finalizing the design of LaLa’s headstone. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I can not speak for Evan and Nereida, but it seems to finalize the fact that my baby girl is no longer here. Her death is now etched in stone.
Two comforting conversations happened to me this week. One with my wife, the other at a a H.E.A.T. event at an area school.
My wife was sharing with me something from one of the sessions of the Griefshare program she offers at our church. Griefshare is a video driven series of meetings to help people apply Biblical principles to the loss of someone they care greatly about. You can learn more about Griefshare in “I won’t let go”.
In the video segment, Zig Ziglar is speaking about the passing of his daughter, Suzan. He states how he realized that if he could see where his daughter was and experience what she was now feeling he would never ask her to come back here even though he missed her. Of course, his comments are driven by his faith in the salvation God provides through Christ.
Honestly, I have never faced anything harder than the loss of my daughter. She is my little girl, my sweetheart, and our “angel girl” (her mom’s favorite nickname for her). My favorite name for her is “Mo Chuisle”. It is from the movie “Million Dollar Baby”, it’s a Gaelic name Clint Eastwood gave to his fighter, Maggie. In the movie they interpret it as “My Darling, My Sweetheart”, which is accurate, but the literal meaning is “my pulse”. I could not even begin to explain to you how much I (all of us) miss LaLa and at times, how extremely painful it is.
To the right is the image we chose as a cameo on LaLa’s headstone. We like it primarily because she seems happy and at peace. I remember that night so clearly. Lauren was getting ready to go back to school in Florida at Lynn University. In hindsight I now wonder if this was yet another attempt by Lauren to give herself a fresh start away from so many temptations here in Connecticut. If it was, it did not last. Soon, her anxiety, and maybe withdrawal was too overwhelming, and she returned home. Six months later we learned of Laurens drug addiction.
This picture is such a sharp contrast to the last few years of Lauren’s life. There was a lot of emotional hurt, guilt, and physical pain, yet this night she was filled with hope and it showed. LaLa is also wearing a favorite shirt of Evans that he gave her. She always liked wearing his clothes, and of course, her trademark pearls.
As hard as it is for me to say, the truth is, knowing that LaLa is with the Lord today, in Heaven, where there is no pain, no sorrow, and no mental health and addiction issues, I wouldn’t ask her to come back. To do so would be too hard on her and incredibly selfish of me. Like David in 2 Samuel 12:22-23, when speaking of the loss of his child, I have the comfort that I will one day see Lauren again.
The other was a conversation with a young lady who is drug free after a long, excruciating battle with heroin addiction, her name was Kelly. It was a very sobering story. After speaking at the event Kelly thanked me for encouraging those with loved ones facing addiction to not give up on them. She shared her mother’s mission and Facebook Page called “Love the Addict/Hate the Disease”. Using the term disease, she is not comparing addiction to cancer, or multiple sclerosis. Rather, she is describing the way addiction changes the brain on a physiological level.
Kelly related how important it is for someone suffering with an addiction to know someone still loves them. She said, “When we are in that place, we know we are wrecking our lives. We know we are killing the people that love us, but we can’t stop. Knowing someone still loves us keeps a glimmer of hope alive.”
WOW, that is so true, and it is the message of We Chose Love.
Here is a great one page article about how you can keep loving someone facing addiction without enabling them.
Don’t give up!
I know your heartache & the pain you are feeling. You have our prayers, thoughts & love throughout your never-ending journey. May the peace of our Savior fill you all at this beautiful season of His birth.