Conversations

I can remember lots of conversations I had with Lauren during her life. All of them are special now, even the hard ones. No one enjoys those when they need to take place, but we know they matter. One in particular was profoundly revealing of the pathway that lead my sweet baby girl toward addiction.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much. – Yogi Berra

While humorous, Yogi’s quote is so true, especially amidst the noisy clamor of addiction and mental health.

In Laurens early teens an important conversation we had centered around some of the choices she was making regarding friends. Looking back, I realize it was the first time in our relationship when we as parents were facing choices of values LaLa (Lauren) was making.

One of the primary definitions of conversation is that it is an informal talk exchanging news or ideas. I tried my best to assure this important conversation would be that, informal and relaxed. We went out to lunch, we talked about lots of things that day, one of which was a friend she was spending time with. Lala’s mom and I felt the two of them were not a good mix for each other. Lauren played a part in that. What concerned us most was that we felt the values that guided the individual’s life didn’t align with what we were trying to do in our lives. I explained to Lauren, that although nothing would change our love for her, the decisions and choices she made would influence our relationships. Our actions always effect our connection with those that love us. I think she understood what I was saying, she eventually decided that the friendship wasn’t a good one for her. We were so proud of her as we would be many more times.

A little later, I don’t quite remember how many years, she did something very hard that I have seen few people do. She owned her mistake but went a step further and did things so her actions would not hinder relationships with the people her choice impacted. Her mom and I were those people. Lauren had decided to try pot. Where or how she got it I can’t say. LaLa felt very bad about what she had done. I am sure in part because of the values we tried to instill in her, and her close relationship with me but even more so due to her very close relationship with her mom. Her school had weekly groups when the kids would be with a teacher or counselor and talk about issues that face young folks today. Lauren was teamed with one of her favorite teachers. Lauren liked her a lot and felt safe with her. She must have because Lauren told her about what was going on in her life. The teacher encouraged Lauren to pray about it, and I think, without pressure, suggested she might want to share it with us. It was another very important conversation for us, I was grateful the teacher realized LaLa did not have to tell us, but that not doing so might subtly hinder her relationship with us. Lauren was very nervous about sharing what had happened. Why wouldn’t she be, we were Christians, she was raised in a Pastors home? I understood how hard it was for her. As much as I saw how nervous she was I also saw true repentance in her heart. Her mom and I chose to focus on what LaLa had done right. We explained it was a poor choice, we all do things we regret, but when faced with this we can ask God’s forgiveness and the forgiveness of those we may have hurt. It’s not easy, but it’s the right thing to do and she did it, she faced her fear. After that interaction, I felt my daughter was safe. She showed me that her mom and I had a good relationship with her, one were she was comfortable talking about the hard things.

One of the most powerful conversations I ever had with Lauren was at 5:30 in the morning on my way to work. She had asked if she could sleep downstairs in our home. In hindsight I realize now that request may have been related to heroin use. As I was leaving for work, I went into the room were she was sleeping, to kiss her goodbye. She was awake, she often was, a result of the compounded effects of the many medications she was on for anxiety, and her covert heroin use. If I am honest, she was high, I didn’t see it then, but I must have caught her shortly after she had injected heroin into her precious body. She was groggy, speaking slowly and deliberately. I had seen this before and confronted her about it. She told me that would often happen for a little while when she took two of her prescribed medications. I feel foolish today, not realizing what was going on. How could I have not known? It was early, yes, the room was very dark, sure, but I am not a stranger to the drug culture, why wouldn’t I see it? I suppose it’s because everything in a parent wants to always believe their child and we should. As we sat together that morning, Lauren began to recount for me the events that unfolded in her life ultimately ending in raging addiction. I think it was the first time Lauren had put the pieces together. I am grateful I was able to share this moment with LaLa. I think it helped her, and I know it has helped me and still does. In one of our first posts “How My Daughter Ended Up on Heroin” there is a brief video explaining what Lauren said.

Moving into middle school Lauren really struggled with social issues. She did not feel she fit in anywhere or with anyone. Looking back, it was during this time that Lauren tried out for everything: tennis, volley ball, soccer, theater arts, stage crew, and more. Now I see she was trying to find her place; I wish she had. She told me of a friendship that just wasn’t good for her. Not because of anything specific they did but because it created lots of stress and pressure in her life. In her eyes and voice I could tell it must have been toxic and painful for her. It was not the friend I mention above. She told me how she began to have a hard time walking into the cafeteria, many days she would not go in. Like lots of kids she finally did find her place, her badge of identity that made her accepted or at least seen. It was the fact that she was the most petite girl in the school. It was her uniquely admired characteristic. While not a bad thing, for her it was just not helpful. She began to focus on her weight, worrying about keeping her status, fitting in to her prom dress in a year or two. I never realized girls start talking about that in early high school. Lauren acknowledged to me as we talked that morning it was then that she started restricting her eating. The video I mention above tells the rest of her story. When I sat listening intently to Lauren sharing her story I did not know she was fighting a heroin addiction as well. I thought I was trying to love my little girl into overcoming her anxiety and eating disorder.

As I drove to work that morning, I was thankful that Lauren trusted me enough to be so vulnerable and open with me. Although I felt we were making gains, I was broken by the pain my daughter was forced to face but so proud of her. I wept and I asked God to please help us. I believe He did. It was shortly after this conversation we discovered that Lauren was also addicted to heroin.

Another great quote about conversations is by Margaret Wheatley a well-known author.

“Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters.” Margaret Wheatley

Conversations are important in helping someone we care about face addiction and mental health struggles. They can be the hinges that great change swings on, for us and for them.

This weeks featured image is by Gregory Crewdson, he happens to be one of Brooke Shadens favorite photographers. The image is called “The Motel”. As I look at it I wonder: what are the two people talking about? It seems intense. I ask, what is going on in that house, is there pain? Has something gone wrong? In talking about the exhibit the image is from, called “Cathedral of the Pines” Crewdson said “The goal was to create images that would cause us to only ask questions, not find answers.” To find answers requires lots of conversations, we all have to keep working at having them with the people we love.