Daddy’s Little Girl

A father holds his little girl for the first time. Instantly his heart is owned by her. He wants to cherish her, protect her, and fill her life with only joy.

Soon she grows, she courageously walked, then ran, then shouts with joy “Look at Me, Daddy”!

He looked every time she asked, and the many many times she did not, always finding delight.

Why does life do what it does to our children? Why does innocence get crushed under the relentless fray of life? Why do we lose joy?

I wish I had the answers to that.

This picture of my daughter, LaLa (Lauren), brings a mix of great joy and some sadness. Joy, because in it I see what I see in all children. Anticipation, hope, dreams, a wonder for life and a belief that life will give us its best. I think most dads long to provide a fortress of love so that their daughters, and their sons, can always stay in that place. Eyes filled with hope. Hearts overflowing with love, and a safe and nurturing world to reach their highest potential. Isn’t that what it should be like, and yet the chaos of life soon finds a way to rob children of all that is beautiful. I hate it when that happens. Sadness because I was not able to achieve that.

I love so much about this image of Lauren, the cute little smirk in her smile, the little splash of nail polish that she always wore, she felt so special when we let her do that. The arms crossed not to close the world off, but to embrace the current delight life brought her. It’s funny; even with her eyes closed, her face sparkles. What is she thinking? Is she dreaming of tomorrow? Is she laughing at the events of that moment? Is she planning her next adventure or a little prank on her brother? I do not know, but I did want her whole life to be that way. A perfect job, a husband that would love, respect her, and tenderly care for her. I hoped every moment of every day would be safe and filled with joy. But stuff happened!

Dark clouds began to overshadow her life, her mind. They had names: anxiety, anorexia, fear, loneliness, and wanting so much to fit in. I wish I had been able to see it; I wish I knew enough to stop it. I wanted her to be as happy in life as she was in this picture. Visit the post “How Did My Daughter End Up on Heroin” to understand how this can happen in the lives of those we love.

People fighting addiction end up disconnecting from something essential, themselves. In the story revealed in the ancient book, the Bible, identity is critical. God calls out to the nation of Israel and informs them their identity – with Him – makes them different than the nations around them. Identity matters!

People kidnapped by drugs quickly lose their Identity. When that happens, everything spins out of control. As a result of some events that had happened and things I had learned, I had once said to LaLa with deep brokenness in my voice, “I don’t even know who you are anymore.” In response, she hung her head low and to the side. There it was again, that insidious guilt and shame the eats away at the soul of every person fighting the demons addiction brings.

In psychology, there is a name for this, “Cognitive Dissonance.” The proper definition is “Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. This discomfort is triggered by a situation in which a person’s belief clashes with new evidence perceived by the person. When confronted with facts that contradict beliefs, ideals, and values, people will try to find a way to resolve the contradiction to reduce their discomfort.”

I define it this way; It is when our actions do not align with our values (our identity). If that happens, we experience an enormous amount of inner confusion and disharmony. One of two things will take place. The more common, even after lots of resistance and internal fighting, we will bring our actions back into alignment with our values. Or, the harder option, we change our values to match our actions. It’s not as easy as it sounds because to do that we must disconnect from our identity.

Addiction invades people’s lives with tons of cognitive dissonance. People battling addiction end up doing lots of things they probably never imagined doing. And, if that were not enough, they lose connection with everything that lends value to a human being: relationships, meaningful work, and purpose.

I learned of a young man this week. His life has not been easy. Several years back, he was severely attacked and injured. He is now trapped in the vicious cycle of heroin addiction, perhaps in response to becoming addicted to prescription medication. Most of his family has disengaged from him and not without reason. Now he is trying to get well by entering treatment. In 28 days, he will need to get a job, a place to live and learn to cope with the stress of life that drove him to addiction. What are the chances of that happening if someone does not give him some help? Not much.

The best thing we can do to help those we love facing addiction is to help them!  Not enable them, not do everything for them but be there to help them keep moving forward in recovery.

A few ways we can do that are:

• Set up expectations that offer support in response to actions and choices that move toward recovery.
• Be a voice of encouragement. Your loved one needs at least one person doing that because no one is.
• If your loved one makes choices that are outside of expectations, or cross boundaries respect their decisions but don’t attempt to own the consequences. Those are theirs.

This week’s featured image is my own; it is called “Daddy’s Little Girl.” I created it in response to a story Brooke Shaden shared on her blog Promoting Passion. She challenged people to be inspired by the story and create something visual that we could interpret through our work. If you would like to watch the 5-minute video, it is here Promoting Passion Week 82: Collaboration Week 2