Stabilize

This week I had the privilege to be on a cruise. It has been an enjoyable and relaxing time. It has also been a week where I seem to be thinking of my daughter quite a bit.

The boat correctly referred to as the ship, is very large. Although several people I have met have referred to it as a small one, which strikes me as funny since it holds approximately one-third of the population of my town.

The other night someone was explaining to me that it is quite an engineering feat to make it all work. Not simply because of physics, how does something so heavy float, but technologically too? One of the things they mentioned was that a lot of effort goes into keeping the ship stabilized.

I noticed that in spite of the ships incredible size and the tremendous amount of weight the ship carries, I still often feel what I refer to as, this may not be the correct term, tremors. A tremor is an involuntary quivering movement. From time to time that is exactly what I feel on the ship, especially when we are out to sea; you can feel a tremor under the boat. I can only assume that it is a result of the sea and waves under the ship that makes this massive vessel momentarily shake. This may be a reason for the need for so much stabilizing. They must constantly “stabilize” the ship against the impact of the sea, weather, wind and, at times, even storms.

One of component that may be causing today’s overwhelming flood of addiction and some forms of mental health issues is something similar to stabilizing we all must do in life called “coping.” It seems to be something people are having more and more trouble with today. I do not know whether it is the outcome of the increased stress and pressure life throws at us now, or something happening within individual people. Perhaps it is a result of both.

Cope in the dictionary means: to deal effectively with something difficult. Many of the synonyms connected with coping: manage, survive, subsist, look after oneself, fend for oneself, shift for oneself, stand on one’s own two feet, carry on, get through, get on, get along, get by, muddle through, muddle along, scrape by, bear up, make the grade, come through, hold one’s own, keep one’s end up, keep one’s head above water, keep the wolf from the door, weather the storm; make out, hack it, paddle one’s own canoe; deal with, handle, manage, address, face, face up to, confront, tackle, sort out, take care of, take in hand, get to grips with, contend with, grapple with, wrestle with, struggle with, tussle with; put up with, get through, weather, endure, withstand, stand up to, bear, brave, accept, come to terms with; master, overcome, surmount, get over, get the better of, beat; stomach, swallow.

What I find interesting is that all the synonyms seem to imply that the solution is to just to suck it up. While I do believe individuals have a part in their healing, sucking it up just isn’t working well. In fact, it really doesn’t fix the problem but instead masks the pain.

For our part in helping those we love, it requires an awareness of how others may be falling short in coping with lifes struggles, and providing skills to help those that need it more effectively cope. Many school systems are becoming more involved in evaluating and providing these life management skills for our children and young people.

Gabor Mate says in his book “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction” that all children have varying degrees of sensitivity to life. By that he does not mean they are too sensitive but rather that the impact of the environment around them has a greater effect on them. That impact may range from the regular day to day decisions, challenges, and obstacles we all face, up to extreme trauma that, sadly, too many children find themselves in today. All of us respond based on how much impact our sensitivity can handle. There is no right or wrong regarding this.

Lauren, our daughter, responded deeply to the world around her very early in life, she was sensitive to its impact. We did not see this or understand it well until she entered middle school and the results were more obvious. In short, some people have a harder time coping with the relentless and constantly changing environment around them. That may be a part of understanding the ways that we can help loved ones that are struggling. Some people may be more easily overwhelmed if they do not get enough time to process things happening around them. When they do, we can play a part in helping, first, by understanding we are all different. Second, by encouraging them as they work through the process to use healthy approaches to coping.

Another element that may be limiting people in developing coping skills is that we live in a world that offers way too many alternatives to healthy coping by numbing the pain. These take all kinds of forms but the deadliest is addiction.

That, in part, might be how LaLa (Lauren’s favorite nickname) eventually ended up addicted to heroin. For a fuller understanding of what factors contributed to Lauren’s addiction read “How My Daughter Ended Up addicted to Heroin.”

To the best of our understanding Lauren began using drugs after 9^th Grade. She may have begun by using Adderall, the attention drug. To what extent and what other drugs she may have been using, we are not certain. Many people would be surprised to learn that Lauren was a real homebody. She always loved working and did so since she was sixteen. Almost every night she worked she came home immediately after she finished. This was not due to any curfews we had on her or her brother but by her choice. I could only think of a few occasions she was out past 10 PM, like her schools Senior Banquet, one or two New Year Eve’s parties, and maybe a birthday. As Lauren and Evan got older our practice was that we wanted to know who they would be with and what time they would be home. She loved being with her family.

Her medical records indicate that somewhere around midyear of LaLa’s Senior year in High School, someone, asked her if she wanted to try heroin. These reports note a really interesting thing she said: “On two occasions, I was given morphine as a child, I remembered what it felt like, and I wanted to feel that again.” By reading Laurens full medical history, we were not able to do that until after LaLa’s death because of HIPAA laws. I think Lauren bought into the notion that when she used heroin, she did not have to “cope” with the anxiety or anorexia. And perhaps the bucket full of guilt and shame that went with those. By the end of her senior year, LaLa realized that she was addicted to heroin. Whatever benefit she was deriving from it was now overshadowed because of the addiction itself. That’s how it always works! Your loved one is getting a benefit from the addiction. If they where not they would not be using the drug, but the benefit is always short-lived. You can get a better understanding of how Lauren responded to her realization that she was addicted in the post “Eyes Filled With Hope”.

This is what can sometimes happen to people that end up addicted. They can’t seem to find healthy ways to “cope” with the challenges and struggles life presents and end up leaning on a hurtful approaches.

It is important that we notice if this is happening to someone we love. The sooner we equip our children (or adults) with the skills to navigate the rough seas of life, the quicker they will be able to make choices that lead to health.

This weeks featured image is “Finding Adventure” by Brooke Shaden