Something Went Wrong

The other day I glanced at the picture of my daughter to the right. I was reminded of how her loss still makes absolutely no sense to me. It was pointless and did not have to happen …. But it did!

I have always loved this picture of Lauren, it was one I printed for LaLa’s (Laurens nickname) brother Evan, her mom and I to keep with our Bibles as a reminder to pray for her every morning and evening after having learned of her fight with mental health and addiction. It has never been a favorite image for my wife. She says she remembers how hard it was for Lauren around that time and specifically on that day. LaLa was helping us take grade school photographs at a local school. It was a lot of work and very demanding. She did excellent and we were very proud of her. Looking at the image now I understand my wife’s point of view. I can see Laurens pain, but I also see a spark of determination to try to smile through the pain, Lauren was always a fighter. Yet, her death still makes no sense and I still miss her.

My wife and I have been working through an ER ( a TV series that ran from 1994-2009 in the USA) marathon for quite some time. A week or so back in Season 12 Episode 21 “The Gallant Hero and The Tragic Victor”, a main character from the TV show, Michael Gallant died in the war. He left his wife, Neela, a videotape of himself sharing some final thoughts. He started the message with the statement “If you are watching this something went wrong, or maybe not wrong but certainly not according to plan.” That’s very much how navigating the loss of our beautiful, inside and outside, daughter feels. We often ask, “What went wrong because this was not the plan?”

That question can bring me to lots of places walking through an endless labyrinth of scenarios and speculations. They are probably a part of a dad trying to make sense of his daughter dying before he did. I always envisioned lots of events and dreams for Lauren, but her death brought them to a screeching halt, at least in this world.

I try to see what may have contributed to her struggles with first, mental health (we need to stop being afraid of those words) and then addiction. In the short video “How Did My Daughter End Up on Heroin” I explain the things I do know contributed to Lauren’s journey.

There are lots of things I think where a part of Lauren’s story, and I am sure they are a dads desperate attempts to have a reason, but there is none.

Even as a baby Lauren struggled with an eating complication. For a long time we where told she was colicky. We tried every kind of formula you could imagine. Until finally on a Memorial Day weekend she stopped eating. We brought her to her pediatrician and once again asked: “What is going on, babies don’t just stop eating?” In the end, we were told she has the flu or a cold and out went the doctor for some things and in came a nurse we had never seen. She puttered around the room for a bit and as she turned to leave said: “You might consider asking the Doctor about reflux.” When he returned, we did ask, he again left to return with some items to do a swab, abruptly leaving again. When he returned he proclaim, we think she might have reflux. She was immediately put on Zantac and she soon started eating better. Lauren was one of the rare children that never grew out of reflux. She continued with it throughout her adult life.

Lauren also struggled with wanting to do things right and well. From early childhood when she didn’t get it right, whatever that means, she didn’t handle it well. One of the greatest treasures I hold in my mind is the many times LaLa and I got to make macarons together. She loved it! It was a very meaningful bonding time for me and her, and the macrons were delicious.  The image to the left or below are some of her creations. Sometimes Lauren would spin out of control simply because the macrons were not coming out perfect. Eventually I asked her if we could just make our time together about having fun and enjoying each other, not how the macrons came out. It helped to get her refocused on enjoying each other and drew us closer together. I loved those moments with her! Addiction brings enough stress to relationships; we do not need to add to it.

In middle school, Lauren got connected with a group of girls that were just not good for each other. I am not saying Lauren was innocent of some of the things that created the unhealthy dynamic of the interaction of this group of girls, but wow, they were really hard on each other. I think it may have added to some of LaLa’s social anxiety I talked about in the video “How Did My Daughter End Up on Heroin”.

I could go on about many moments of Lauren’s life that makes me think “Something went wrong” to bring my daughter to die of an overdose the afternoon of July 6^th 2017. The reality is it did happen, I wish I could change that.

The important question for you to ask is not “What went wrong”, but “What is going right?” What are the things happening with your loved one that are working? If your answer is “nothing”, then what are the things you can change about “you” that might influence your loved one toward recovery, or remind them that you still love them, you are not giving up on them!

Todays featured image is from my favorite photographer Brooke Shaden, I don’t know the title