Ambivalence

The other day I received one of those notifications on FaceBook that remind us of posts we made in

the past. They were about Lauren 6 years ago.

I remember that day, we laughed quite a bit over these images.

Six years ago meant it was just about one year after Lauren graduated High School. She must have been home from college. It is possible it was a time that she had come home early to surprise her mom for Mother’s Day. On that occasion she and I had planned for her to sneak into a restaurant where her mom and I would be having dessert. Lauren walk by our table, Nereida was very, very, surprised and happy, that’s another story in itself, we laughed a lot then too.

Looking at my face in the image she captured I realize, at that moment, I had no idea of the monstrous storm that was developing in LaLa’s (Laurens) life, and the life of everyone in our family. I do not think Lauren realized what would unfold in her life either, you can read “Eyes Filled With Hope” to get more insight about that.

It made me think of something I learned many years ago about one of my favorite clouds, Cirrus clouds, I have always loved them. Cirrus clouds are delicate, feathery clouds that are made mostly of ice crystals. Their wispy shape comes from wind currents that twist and spread the ice crystals into long strands. They dwell high up in our atmosphere from 16,500 feet to 45,000 feet, that’s one of the things I love about them, they exist high in the sky. They are predictors – they indicate that change is on the way, some times that change may be good, or at other times it can be quite disastrous. For our family it was the later.

I am sure the indicators were present, but we just could not see them and so could not assess their impact. Maybe if we had been able to work together, we could have. Her mom and I at the time of these pictures knew Lauren was struggling with mental health issues: anxiety, and we were very concerned about her eating habits, concerned that she might be anorexic. The piece we did not have was that our daughter was fighting a severe addiction.

The most common question LaLa’s mom and I reflect on now is “Why didn’t she tell us”? I know we will not get the answer in this life, but how different things might have been if she had. We get it, we know there where reasons: she thought she could beat it on her own, there was probably a bucket load of guilt and shame connected to acknowledging that she was addicted to heroin, exasperated by the reality that her dad is a recovered cocaine addict who happens to be a Pastor, and of course the natural, often crushing weight we can feel when we think we are letting down people we love. If Nereida and I are honest though, we get mad when we think, “If only she had told us”. Mad at her, sure, mad at ourselves, of course, but in general just mad, because we miss our little girl!

I hope that is a loud message to anyone reading this who is struggling with addiction, tell the people that love you! You can beat this, but you will not beat it alone! PLEASE READ THAT AGAIN!

There were other indicators in the long journey our family was about to take. Positive indicators, things that demonstrated Lauren was heading in the right direction, I was so grateful for those. The truth is she just ran out of time, everything in me wishes she had not. If you are caught up in the world of hard-core drugs you need to consider that statement as well. I know, it won’t happen to you! My beautiful daughter said that to me one month before she died. She said it to her mom two weeks before she died. It was a promise I believe she desperately wanted to keep. “What if this Happens” tells the full story?

Lauren said a powerful and important thing in the middle of a critical turning point in her life and recovery. It was a moment when her mom and I where both encouraged and super proud of the little girl we loved so much.

Lauren had admitted to the world, via Facebook, that she was addicted but made the decision to get well. Here is the post “LaLa’s BIG Post

In the post she says this “many people with this disease called addiction , including myself , have said at least once (for me at least i said this hundreds of times) i don’t want to do this anymore’ and may very well be tired of and disgusted of doing the drug but physically and mentally cannot stop. repeating this cycle of saying ‘i’m going to stop using’ and the very next day or even hours later doing that drug.”

What LaLa is referring to is called ambivalence. Ambivalence is the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone. It is very common for someone who is fighting addiction and an indicator that they may be moving toward getting well. It is also very frustrating to those of us who look from the outside in, hoping for immediate change. To understand more fully what addiction is read “A New Perspective on an Old Problem.”

I know there are many that would label this idea as just more excuses, but it goes much deeper than that. Here are a few posts that will lend some insight as to why: If Anything Can Work This Might Work – Starving for Knowledge – Inside the Brain of Your Addicted Loved One – An Unexpected Solution. One thing to remember is that if you have never truly been addicted, not just a drug user, you have no idea how powerful ambivalence is. If you are fighting an addiction you also need to remember how powerful ambivalence is in leading you to recovery. Fight on!

Ambivalence is a move forward, an indicator, for the person fighting the addiction. It is the beginning of “owning” that change must happen, and more importantly that it is possible.

Here is how it showed up in the last few months of Laurens life.

First, she started talking about recovery and getting well. Some times that happened while she was high, but many times she wasn’t, she just wanted out. A very prevalent sign of this was the conversation she had with the young lady that wrote an article called Stop Calling Addiction a Disease, I talk about it in “A Moment of Great Pride.” As she and Lauren began communicating Lauren soon started talking about the hope of being able to help other young ladies who have been “caught up in this crap” and actually started to envision what that might look like for her. I wish I had seen her get that chance.

Second, she started sharing her pain openly with others . The first big step in that was the Facebook post above. This was huge for Lauren because she was always focused on who knew about what was going on. We felt it best to try to respect her desires and not tell many people except those we asked to pray about. She would allow us to do that but not without some friction. These were big jumps forward, honestly, like I said, she just ran out of time.

That is the other thing about ambivalence, it involves a lot of risk. PLEASE, if you are struggling with an addiction, let the people around you that love you know you need help. If you love someone facing an addiction, PLEASE make sure they know you are willing to help them and not give up on them. It’s a small step, but it is a step in the right direction.

This weeks featured image is by Brooke Shaden, it is called “Floating on a Cloud”.